This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

Me and DH have separate finances and he has no idea how much I have saved. It’s none of his business. We both contribute equally to the living expenses but beyond that our money is our own. He earns more than me and I have additional expenses as I have 2 DC that aren’t his at uni to support but that’s the way I wanted it set up to be fair. We’ve agreed that in the event of a divorce we won’t touch each others money or pensions. That’s not financially abusive just because we keep our own finances to ourselves.

I wasn’t victim blaming or making assumptions about their personal life, like you seem to be doing, I asked about how the couple were in general with each other to get more context on a situation to understand better. You seem to be brining in your own baggage and also your own rigid views - not everyone who doesn’t live the western ideology of 50:50 house work/ child rearing, etc is in an abusive relationship. And nothing was said about this woman’s career… what makes you think she gave one up? Some women (not me) want nothing more than to be SAHMs… it’s not for me to judge or force my view down their throats and call them “abused” because they don’t live like I live@MeandT. This is why I asked for more information rather than cooking up my own story.

I don’t see how an assumption of financial abuse can be made when you don’t know her husbands earnings, how much is going into pensions, the mortgage amount, how much the bills are each month etc . Very possible that a huge chunk of his salary is going on joint out goings.

Exactly. If it is actually the case that he has less spending money than her, each month, does that mean she is financially abusing him?!

I’m not secretive about my savings, I’m private. DH and I both work FT and we pay expenses fairly; neither of us feel ‘abused’. My savings are mine, my security. Husband the same.

For me marriage is all about partnership and I wouldn't marry someone not willing to have a joint account or who didn't think that all money is discussed/shared.

I think if your friend wanted to be a SAHM then she was mad to marry someone who thought that what they earnt was just theirs and not family money.

Why does she feel like can't she ask him for money? Why has this only become an issue now? It sounds like a horrible relationship tbh and I wouldn't be surprised if it was abusive in a number of ways.

This is FAR deeper than financial abuse. I'd lay bets it emotional abuse and coercive control big time. She wont know up from down; will blame herself; confidence zilch!

This is simply not true - that is not at all the definition of financial abuse

And keep in mind that the nanny services DH is still receiving even for his teenagers would set him back somewhere between £35-45k a year, including taxes - so a grown up discussion about finances doesn't feel like such a very unreasonable ask!

What in God's name are you talking about? Why would the family need a nanny? The OP's sister is not doing any nanny-like work, she is the mum to some teenagers. There would be nothing to pay a nanny for, if the OP were not there. The kids would simply get themselves home from school and make themselves a snack.

This including money for food shop. the wife's 12 K salary is spent on kids, all sounds fair and reasonable to me

OP could increase her working hours!

@catstaff47 70% think that behaviour is OK is quite shocking. That is no way to treat your partner/wife/husband. One option would to leave and divorce him. She sounds like she would be much happier. I feel really sorry for her, that is no way to live.

70% of people who have read the thread recognize that there isn't enough information being presented to know if there's financial abuse. And recognize that the OP doesn't actually have enough information to know if there's financial abuse.

They would hand him lawyers contact info and leave with very disappointing eyes on her.

Maybe a little “no,no”.

No, seriously…seems the guy is paying for all the big bills and give her plenty to cover the rest so that would be financial abuse ONLY if he has way more and just for himself and doesn’t allow her access to it when she or children needs. But then, when there is no more…like everyone, she has to budget and wait for next month.

If Woman's Aid say it is, then I think we can accept that it is @PicturePlace ,

'Some examples of economic abuse are:

• Controlling all of the household income and keeping financial information a secret'

I'm not sure if my relationship is healthy - Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk)

Is he keeping it a secret? She doesn't ask him. Perhaps he would tell her if she did. Or perhaps she knows and pretends to her family that she doesn't

@Notthegodofsmallthings I know that you are not dense, so why have you chosen to ignore the first half of the sentence before the "and"?

Controlling all of the household income and keeping financial information a secret

The husband in this case is absolutely not controlling all of the household income. The wife controls £1k per month of it, without contributing anything towards bills.