This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

£1k a month after mortgage, bills and food is a huge amount.

It sounds like your friend is quite reckless with money.
The fact that she has to borrow money off friends and family is quite telling.

So although I understand where you’re coming from and think money should be 50/50 in most cases, but in some cases where one person is reckless with money then one does need to take more control over it.

I also don’t understand why she can’t get a FT job.
If he’s not pulling his weight around the house then that needs to be dealt but if my DH only worked PT then I would expect him to take on the majority of housework and childcare.

It’s hard to tell whether it’s an abusive relationship without being in it.

I mean, he sets sside £150 per week for food shopping. Sometimes he does the shopping, sometimes her.
Regardless, I think him giving his wife a budget in this ways is very controlling. Who made him god of the Sainsbury's shop ffs.

Maybe she feels like she can’t ask for extra money because she knows she’s frittering £1000 per month on non-essential items. What is she spending it on????

Someone clearly has to give her a budget and teach her to stick to it, she can’t make £1000 last a month with absolutely everything essential paid for her already.

Of course the person who is funding all of her bills, including that food shop, is going to impose a budget 😂

Posters seem to be dismissive of your concerns, but I think it's odd that he won't discuss 'their' savings and that she doesn't feel able to approach him should she need extra cash.its maybe not abuse, but it's certainly not right.

What a horrible, toxic marriage this is. She has enabled him to do well in his career and everyone on here wants her to budget her pennies because she didn't earn it all herself.

If she divorced him she'd be a lot better off. Maybe then he'd realise that 'his' savings and 'his' house are their savings and house.

I think it’s normal to have a budget for food shopping etc.
To be blunt if he works full time I would expect her to do the shopping as a fair division of tasks.
The main issues here seem to be poor communication and a lack of financial transparency.

No she doesn't pay me back.

I think she’s playing you for a fool - sorry.

We are South East. I married with 0 money and as aupair - we never pulled money, what was there to pull on my behalf

The set up with his work is such that I can calculate how much he earns and as he paid for everything I did not have the need to ask to see or be curious how much things cost in this country, he told me.

I never lacked anything nor still do to this day. Did he transfer me money, gave me cash or bought for me what I needed/wanted - this is no one's business. So the women who stay home and spend from a joint account are not asking for money by spending the money they have never really earned?! LOL - just a different label on the same set up. You are a woman, home staying and are given money into a joint bank account you never worked for in the workplace. What you do at home just as what I do, is a personal business and arrangement.

I restarted work and have disposable personal income of more than a 1000 pounds a month for which he is neither curious nor interested what I do with it, though I pay for many things from it and coffee shops, spa or hairdressers rarely make it on the list.

If you love each other , no one should ever feel left out, short or lied to about the whole family pot. Joint account is not the proof for it nor the knees bees of a marriage.

Sorry you’ve had such shit replies, OP.

It’s disgusting that a wife doesn’t know how much her husband earns and isn’t permitted to ask about nor about their savings.

It does fall under the term “financial abuse” because he’s concealing information, limiting the her access to assets, and reducing accessibility to the family finances.

I don’t have any advice for you. There’s nothing you can do without her making the first move.

Just be there for her and hint towards her making herself more independent with more working hours and a savings pot of her own.

You sound like an amazing friend OP.

But something doesn’t calculate. Either she’s lying or there is other abuse. The fact that she is so open with you but can’t answer why she hasn’t tried to talk to him makes me lean towards the former - I’m really sorry to say. Something isn’t right here. And I worry that you and others are in fact the victims.

Because I would imagine in a 1 million pound house they have a hefty mortgage. And in a sizeable house comes sizeable bills. He’s paying for all of this and she’s not contributing financially to the household. It’s called budgeting. Clearly your friend has issues with budgeting if she feels she’s being financially abused with all her household bills paid and 1k disposable income.

It’s not weird or abusive to stick to a budget for food. It’s normal. If he said “spend what you want love” that is not being financially responsible if you have big outgoings.

She would certainly get a shock if she divorced him and had to get a full time job and all she could afford was a 1 bedroom flat. Then she would really know financial hardship. Now she is living the life of riley and crying about these endless pot of money she believes she’s entitled to. Newsflash; there probably isn’t a massive pot of money. Her husband is not a multi millionaire.

Sticking to a budget in the supermarket isnt odd...I moan if our shopping is over £100 a week and if my husband was spending over this, or if he was buying things not on "my list" that I consider extravagant (I have an idea what the family needs each week, so yeah I'm god of the Sainsbury's shop) I'd have a moan

Your updates sound like you are determined to make the narrative that he is the bad guy. I'd love to hear the other side of this while situation, and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle

You haven't said why your friend will not increase her working hours. I get that she doesn't want to work full time as one of her teenagers has mental health problems and probably wants mum around more than most, but she could work 20/25 and that would increase her income by quite a bit. I worked 15 hours a week when mine was small, then 20 and gradually built up to full time.

As for her taking money from her family, does she pay them back when she receives her salary? Parents often lend or give money to their adult children, it isn't unusual; if they need it they will say so and she would pay them back.

She does sound as though she is intimidated.

I don't think you can do much about it, frankly, except, if she continues to confide in you, encourage her to improve communication with her husband.

I wouldn’t be with him . He pays £150 for food and that’s it .
oh he pays all the bills so what he is the father to kids

Is the house on both names ?
If she leaves she will get her share

If he can’t deal with the kids then he should be making sure she lives a good life for the sacrifices she makes for the family

I didn’t read all the replies but - no your friend isn’t being financially abused.

He’s paying all the bills, all the mortgage and spending/providing £150 a week for food. Your friend has her 1k wages a month to spend on what she wants.

If she’s struggling with that then she needs to take a good look at herself, nobody else.

Also, why can’t she ask for extra household/family money if she needs it?

It sounds a bit complicated to me. He definitely has issues but so does she. I wonder if they are bringing out the worst in each other.

Heh, he pays £150 for food and that’s it…oh and all the other bills. Leave him!!!!

She has £1000 each month and doesn't budget to give you back any monies owed to you out of her next month's £1000?

I'd take a step back and definitely stop lending her money.

Her DH may tell a different story

Are the dc at fee paying schools?
Agree with many pp, she's at it and doing a 'rescue me'... act with you.. and the elderly relatives!

De facto go and read about the threads with advice: oh dear, go and empty the joint account NOW

She likely wouldn't be she'd need to pay all her bills herself. People want her to budget because she has discretionary spending of £1000 a month. People don't think she's being financially abused because she has £1000 for discretionary spending a month. People also think she should go back to work full time because her DC are teens, this would have the effect of making her more secure whether she stays or goes.

Her husband may well be stingy and controlling, he also might just be fed up. OPs friend borrows from people who don't have much and appears not to pay them back. Someone who didn't have a problem of spending too much wouldn't feel entitled to ask someone who doesn't have much for money for discretionary spending.

I didn't say he was a multi-millionaire. He may have not much in savings at all. But the point is - HE WON'T TELL HER.

I told her the other day she needs to just ask him and what is the big deal? She just kind of says that she will, but she has to wait until the time is right and she has too much on with the kids at the moment and she trying to keep the house calm and she doesn't have the energy to contend with that conversation as well. She is sort of evasive.,it's like she can't answer why she can't ask him.

That was in reply to a PP saying she'd be better off financially if they seperated.