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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

235 replies

Whattheeff8767 · 19/10/2024 08:49

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 19/10/2024 08:51

The solution here is not to take your toddler out with you and your child-free friends.

OrwellianTimes · 19/10/2024 08:52

No, you’re right. When you become a mum your life changes - you no longer put yourself first, you put the child and its safety first. Toddlers need constant supervision. It’ll change again in just a few years when they need less constant supervision.

Eenameenadeeka · 19/10/2024 08:53

Just wait until she has a child.. I had a friend like this and it was a long wait but she was apologetic when she realised.

FicheSeacht · 19/10/2024 08:54

Yes, it’s one of the annoying things about being in the presence of a friend who has a small child with them — they are continually distracted. See her solo if you have childcare.

Being ‘lost’ in motherhood is another matter, though. It’s subjective. Do you think it’s true of you?

GoodVibesHere · 19/10/2024 08:55

Well yes, when you become a mother it's normal for that to take over your life. Your friend is clueless (and rude).

FicheSeacht · 19/10/2024 08:55

Eenameenadeeka · 19/10/2024 08:53

Just wait until she has a child.. I had a friend like this and it was a long wait but she was apologetic when she realised.

But the friend may never have a child. She’s perfectly entitled to prefer seeing her friend without a toddler in tow.

SometimesCalmPerson · 19/10/2024 08:55

You’re just being a normal mum, which your friend will be unable to understand. You don’t need to ‘get back to yourself’ at all, who you are right now is mum to a toddler and that demands a lot of attention. It’s frustrating for friends without children because it’s usual to focus on each other when you’ve met up and toddler stuff is really quite boring when it’s not your own child. But a good friend would be supportive and realise that this is just your life for now, and you will be a more attentive friend again when you don’t have a small child to look after.

Idontlikeyou · 19/10/2024 08:55

Child free people are dickheads when it comes to understanding-I was one as didn’t have DD until I was 41.

Aimtodobetter · 19/10/2024 08:56

I was one of the last people in my friendship group to have kids and I’d say:
a) I still understood that kids change things and so I’d make sure I structured our get together around them when they were little and not blame my friend for being kid focused (helps I like kids a lot). I have friends who admit they didn’t do this and felt annoyed by their friends who had kids - but that’s quite immature / they realised later it wasn’t fair.
b) I did however really appreciate it when friends managed to make an effort to meet me without the kids as their husband looked after them - and quite a few friends valued having non kid time so now you know your friend is a bit rubbish with the kid side of things maybe use her more for that?
c) Despite this, definitely underestimated how much focus I would have on mine once they were born and so to an extent I do think it’s tricky to explain to someone without kids and you need to take that into account

UhOhSpagettiOh · 19/10/2024 08:56

Have you got any mum friends? I think that's really important.
I don't like meeting childless friends with my children, as they won't get it and I'd just find the whole thing annoying.

JaneFondue · 19/10/2024 08:57

See her without your toddler if possible. Neither of you are wrong.

Meadowfinch · 19/10/2024 08:57

Your friend simply doesn't understand that if you take your eye off a toddler for even a second, they will land themselves in hot water.

Don't be hurt by her comments, she just hasn't experienced it yet.

Maybe see her when your ds is with his dad.

jeaux90 · 19/10/2024 08:58

OP is there a wider context here? Are you back at work? Did you have a career before? Is your friend saying this out of concern? There are many reasons why this might come up in conversation. Yes our DC become the most important thing but there are other things that we also need to take care of.

But also did you arrange to meet her without your DC then bring them anyway?

Dishwashersaurous · 19/10/2024 09:00

This is probably her badly worded way of saying that she wants to see you without your child, so she can actually talk to you.

It is impossible to have a proper conversation with toddlers around. It's just a fact.

If you value her as a friend then organise to go out for an evening with her and spend some adult time together.

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 19/10/2024 09:01

Maybe she was just being a bit clumsy with her words and was trying to be supportive. Probably not though!

Interesting that you state your child is 2.3 years old. Generally MN considers it unreasonable to specify months or fractions of years after age 2! So perhaps you are a bit more intense a mum than most.

Fargo79 · 19/10/2024 09:01

FicheSeacht · 19/10/2024 08:55

But the friend may never have a child. She’s perfectly entitled to prefer seeing her friend without a toddler in tow.

Show quote history

She sure is. However she isn't being a good friend if she reframes her personal preference as a fundamental flaw on the part of OP by making deeply personal and insulting remarks about the way she handles being a mother.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/10/2024 09:01

Do you ever see her without your toddler being there? If you have a partner, does he look after the child so you get time just as yourself? Have you gone back to work, hobbies etc?

It is impossible to know from your post whether your friend is just rude and unwilling to share your attention, or whether there is a grain of truth in what she says. I do know people who became boringly child obsessed when they had children, although most of us don't.

amispeakingintongues · 19/10/2024 09:01

How rude. But totally classic of a child free person.
Ignore her, she would NEVER have said that if she had her own child. If she was a true friend with your best interests at heart she would graciously support you in each phase of life. Even if this phase means she gets less attention while your child is really young.
Of course your child is all consuming that's part and parcel of being a parent. Don't let anyone make you feel shit about being attentive to your child. Children are not pets. Tell her that next time but I'd honestly question whether you need friends like that.

PrueRamsay · 19/10/2024 09:02

Do you see your friends without toddler?

Sistafromanothermista · 19/10/2024 09:02

She’ll come back with some apology whenever she has her own!

Fargo79 · 19/10/2024 09:03

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 19/10/2024 09:01

Maybe she was just being a bit clumsy with her words and was trying to be supportive. Probably not though!

Interesting that you state your child is 2.3 years old. Generally MN considers it unreasonable to specify months or fractions of years after age 2! So perhaps you are a bit more intense a mum than most.

Or maybe she doesn't give a shit what MN considers "unreasonable". Honestly. Not everyone lives and dies by what some internet randoms on here think. There's a massive difference between a 2 year old who just turned 2 and one who is about to be 3. It's not "intense" to make the distinction.

WillowTit · 19/10/2024 09:05

just ignore her
she is ignorant
if she has children one day she will change her attitude

DaisyChain505 · 19/10/2024 09:06

As a child free person I have to say I find it highly annoying that a certain friend of mine will bring her child to absolutely everything we do.

she has a partner and a very supportive mum however she does it out of choice and it completely changes the atmosphere and tone of the get together.

she’s not present, engaged or really enjoying herself and I leave everytime wondering why I bother.

yes you’re a mother but you’re also your own individual person. Don’t neglect your friendships or individual self.

DarkForces · 19/10/2024 09:07

Idontlikeyou · 19/10/2024 08:55

Child free people are dickheads when it comes to understanding-I was one as didn’t have DD until I was 41.

Were you a dickhead until you had a child? I know loads of childfree people who are absolutely fantastic people to spend time with

LightDrizzle · 19/10/2024 09:08

Is is really hard talking to someone whose attention is always flickering to a toddler or adult with high needs. It’s also hard for you. I’d just see her without your toddler, even if that means you see her less often for a couple of years and be self aware about whether you drone on about him even when he’s not there. Your friend will care a bit about your son because she cares about you but he is not endlessly fascinating to her and they have nothing in common, because he’s two. She’ll probably ask how he is but your answer shouldn’t be much longer than your answer would be if she asks about your partner.

Other mum friends will be more interested and tolerant because it’s their world too. Just like a bunch of newly qualified and employed City tax accountants; nobody else wants to hear it or really understands even if they are happy for you that you’ve got this going on.

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