Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

[Whattheeff8767]

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

@TiredTeaBag

You're absolutely right, empathy and understanding and acceptance when life gets in the way are needed in friendships or they can't work. It sounds absolutely horrific for your friend whose child is dying, and that situation, or any situation with a sick child or other dependant, is of course one that requires a friend cutting extra slack or not expecting a great deal of availability.

I do find though that a lot of parents really lose empathy for their unchilded friends quite quickly and do implicitly see their own lives and commitments as more important. I think the issue is that in OP's case her friend is not really able to have any time with her and she's expressing frustration about that. If OP is allowed to be a bit "lost" and her friend needs to empathise, then OP needs to empathise with how her friend feels too. It cuts both ways.

I've said it before but I think we can criticise the trend for some parents to become all consumed by their DC to the point that they are like empty shells when then grow up without blaming individuals.

She hasn't articulated her feelings very well. I had two under twos and most of my friends had children around that time. Apart from my sister. She was TTC and never could. She said those years were the most painful ever as she had a large group of friends and all they talked about wee their children. I'm in awe of how she handled it all as she had since become close to all of their offspring - holidaying with them and celebrating their birthdays etc.. I'm not sure I could have been that strong. It is natural to talk about your kids at that age and this is what I explained to her - it's all consuming at the time. I'd like to think I remained conscious of anyone I knew who was childless at the time though. I struggled to conceive and the people who insisted on enquiring about when we were having a baby, were the ones I could have never forgiven. So insensitive and ignorant.

Meant to add... as my own children grew older I didn't like handing around with babies and toddlers either 🤣

Agree with you totally. I think at times I have had disconnects with friends who didn't realise what I had on my plate as a parent, and I was oblivious to what a bore I might have been, but the key is coming from a position of love, having good communication, and that lens of compassion.

I have gone back to the OP to see if I missed the point a bit, and I was interested in how what they actually said was "when I am with them and have my DS" rather than "I am only with them with my DS", and it occurs to me that frankly sometimes that is how it is when you first have kids, you become a package deal and eeking out a bit of adult 121 time gets tough.

She didn't say that was the case though, just that the friend has commented on how they are consumed when together with the child, and you can't just lob em in the corner and fully focus on martinis if you don't have a babysitter for the day.

Then we have a whole trail of angry people complaining about parents who think their kid is a little prince who everyone should be enthralled with! I get it, some people are awful, but that isn't actually what she said and she seems to have been tarred with a rather broad brush here. It feels a bit vitriolic, when as you say, empathy, acceptance and understanding are pretty key.

It cuts both ways exactly as you say. I remember going to a school reunion planning meeting with a babe in arms and feeling a real vibe from some attendees that I had the temerity to bring a boring infant to the discussion (I wasn't planning on bringing him to the actual event, which was shit because there is a reason why you lose touch with some people 😂). I definitely did lose empathy for the childless/unchilded/childfree friends at that meeting. I thought they were a bunch of dicks. Time moves on though, and I think they are (mostly) pretty awesome now. Some of them went on to have kids and some did not.

We just weren't aligned at the time.

Thanks CrazyGoatLady I really appreciate your perspective!

Some friends just do become all consumed with their kids. I had a friend who said that she can't understand why people would want to spend time away from their kids (she had a baby at this point). Now onto the 2 year olds and the last time we got together she was getting annoyed at his behaviour in a coffee shop cos he was bored, couldn't talk to me etc. I joked and said now you see why I sometimes leave xxx (my child) with their dad so I can enjoy a child free lunch occasionally with friends (half the group don't have kids so I try to do balance of both as they also love my kids and want to see them so we do some child free things and some non child free things). But the passive comments when I had the 2 year told id left behind did irk me as if I don't love my child's company all.... The.... Time.... Was wrong. She is now a fair weather friend to me. I got sick of the perfect parent comments. So it does happen when people do become too consumed in motherhood.

Gosh what a civilised exchange we've had on Mumsnet @TiredTeaBag !

There's always things that we don't know from OPs. I guess in this situation we don't know if OP is a bit "little prince/princess" or expects her friend to be enthralled with her toddler, or whether it's just normal attending to a child when out and about type stuff. So hard to tell who is BU with only limited info.

As with all these kinds of situations communication is key isn't it. I know when mine were little I was careful to check out with my friends (who all either had DC later than me, or not at all) if they were ok with DC being there or would prefer to reschedule, as some were more "kid people" than others. I always tried to remember to apologise if DC issues/needs cut short or interrupted a meet up or phone call etc. Even if it couldn't be helped, I do think it goes a long way when that's acknowledged, and it's not just expected that a friend will just deal because you have DC and that's how it is, or be grateful for the scraps. Attitude is everything, and having the humility to acknowledge when we've been insensitive or too consumed in our own stuff to notice the impact on another person (applies to parents and non parents alike!)

Being a parent is hard. Not being a parent (whether choice or not) when everyone around you is a parent is also hard for different reasons.

I was a lone parent. Either paid for a babysitter or had friends over once kids were in bed

My DS is a similar age so I completely understand the not being able to take your eyes off them when out and they do need your attention. Your friend should understand what if you meet up with your DC then you absolutely can’t ignore them as toddlers get up to all sorts! Maybe friend is feeling a bit ignored? Can you see your friend without your toddler for a while? Do you not do that anyway? I have a close child-free friend and a close friend with a 3 year old. When we all arrange to meet for a catch up or coffee, we always make it clear beforehand if we’re bringing the kids or not. Sometime we all need some time away from the kids too! Child-free friend does enjoy seeing our DCs and so we have catch ups at soft play, play cafes or meet at someone’s house so the kids can run ragged. But we also set aside time where we meet without the kids for coffee, lunch, wine and a takeaway etc. Tbh, I need this time as well! I need time where I can focus on my friends and we can really enjoy each others company without having to keep one eye on the kids. Surely you can find a balance and you don’t need to take your child everywhere?

We are total grown-ups!

This. So much this: "Being a parent is hard. Not being a parent (whether choice or not) when everyone around you is a parent is also hard for different reasons".

Have a great day!