Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

[Whattheeff8767]

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

I couldn't be friends with someone like that really. I had twins at 22 and most of my friends stuck by and understood that they were a part of me now. So many of them are still close to my daughters even 15 years later, as well as the children I had afterwards. They have children themselves now so it is different but you need to choose the right friends.

There’s a lot of projection in this thread (from both the child free and the parents) but I don’t think there’s enough information in the OP about how often you meet this friend and in what circumstances to offer any helpful commentary on who is being unreasonable.

Do you only ever meet with your child at your request, and then spend all that time talking about that child on a regular basis? Yeah, you’re being annoying.

Do you meet in a variety of circumstances and she literally just cannot cope occasionally sharing attention with one of the most important humans in your life? Yeah, she kind of sucks.

It’s probably somewhere in between though!

I have 3 kids and I still find it highly annoying when friends make no effort to sustain conversation when kids are around.

Don't get me wrong, mine interrupt incessantly but I tell them to wait while I finish my conversation with my friend. Sometimes it works.

I do think it's important that you keep some quality to your friendships. If you can't do that with toddler in tow, then meet without the child in the evening.

Thank you. It taught me not to be such a bloody pushover and I have much nicer friends now!

Does your toddler really have to join you on these meet ups? It can’t be enjoyable for you, the toddler or your friend.

Exactly. Which is why I would always choose quality over quantity.
Mum friend: "so how's your new job?"
Friend: "yes it's OK. Not really what I was expecting though because...."
Child: "Mummy! Look at this doll!!"
Mum friend: "oh yes look at it's hair! Be careful you don't hurt it though. Sorry friend go on."
Friend: "yes so the first day they asked me...."
Child: "Mummy I think it's hair is funny look at it!!"
Mum friend: "oh yes that is funny isn't it! Show it to friend how funny it is! Sorry about that friend. She always finds these things funny! Nursery tell me all the time how funny she is! Oh and last week we were out....."
Etc. And the childfree friend never gets to finish what she was saying and it's all forgotten about in a flurry of interruptions and mum stories.
I don't think regular meet ups like that are in any way nurturing friendships if that's the only way they happen. You need quality time together to actually discuss other things. Obviously occasionally it's fine. And unless someone is a horrible person most people will happily meet friends with children sometimes. But you need a balance.

There's a difference between having to keep an eye on your toddler etc, and completely ignoring your friend and interrupting conversation to interact with your toddler for no good reason.

The latter bugged me hugely when I was child-free, so when I had my own, I was careful not make my friends feel second best by cutting them off when they were mid sentence to say 'nice drawing dear' or 'oh, I see you have a brick, it's red. That's a red brick'

My children also learned fairly early how to gain my attention without interrupting (the hand on the arm method) unless it was a safety issue.

So maybe you've just been making your friend feel surplus to requirements, or she doesn't feel that you're ever truly listening to her.

Your friend doesn't realise what it's like.
Some things you can only understand and appreciate after having gone through them...

@Jifmicroliquid

It’s difficult. I met my friend last week and was trying to have a conversation with her, but every minute or so her DD4 would interrupt us to talk to her mum. My friend would break the conversation off to speak to her.

Thats inevitable. Small children interrupt their parents all the time because they have not yet learned that the world doesn’t have to revolve around their every demand. Up to a point you can’t prevent that.

But you do have control over how you respond to it.

No one begrudges a parent the fact their small child wants their attention. If you are being as respectful as you can to that child free person visiting you that will be understood and appreciated.

If you are spending time with a parent of small children and they interrupt every utterance from you with an Inane observation about what their child is doing all the time it rapidly makes you feel bored, overlooked and resentful.

Just because you are a parent doesn’t mean you are expected to have had a lobotomy and lost all your social skills.

Sometimes the only reply to that is bye then.

Some(a small proportion I’m sure) childless people are completely clueless about how much motherhood changes a person. I had no idea myself until I had DS. To comment on it is a bit rude. She could simply offer to take you out somewhere nice of an evening when your toddler is in bed and looked after by OH/sitter. That way she can get all the attention she wants.
You are not too absorbed. You are dedicated to raising your child to the best of your ability. Your life is very different now and always will be. There is no question of ‘getting yourself back’ in my opinion. You are yourself now. Your life has just changed beyond all recognition.

I’m a mother, I always will be one. The person I was before is long gone. That’s life. Everything is constantly changing and to try and stop it changing is impossible.

It’s a bit hard not to keep your focus on a two year old😅 Ask your friend to babysit for a while and she might get the idea😅

I’m a mother, I always will be one. The person I was before is long gone

Seriously? That's incredibly unhealthy.

I'm a mother too. But it's not stopped me having the same interests, hobbies, friends and attitudes to life that I always had. Which is just as well, because now that my adult children are independent, my life would be an empty shell if I'd lost myself to motherhood.

I'm can see how this might have felt a bit hurtful but if she is a good friend who cares about you and has said this then maybe it is worth pausing and thinking about the balance for your own wellbeing. Are you getting enough rest and a break from all the hard work that being a parent brings? Are you still able to get in a headspace where you can talk about and think about things other than your life as a mum? Maintaining friendships is so important for your own sanity. So often it's mum's friendships that take a hit during this period. Have a think and rebalance only if you think you need to. Perhaps she is missing the non-mum version of you, this isn't a bad thing.

@Thefirstdance

I’m a mother, I always will be one. The person I was before is long gone. That’s life. Everything is constantly changing and to try and stop it changing is impossible.

I couldn’t disagree more with this. I am also a mother. The idea that the person I was before becoming a mother is “long gone” depresses the hell out of me.

I am a person with an identity beyond being a mother. Being a mother is very central to my life. But it doesn’t define me.

Can you arrange to meet child free. I don't have kids but many of my friends do, mostly when we socialise it's child free and it's much more enjoyable for the both of us, they are more themselves and relaxed, I'm happy with occasional meet ups where their kids are involved but it's not as enjoyable in comparison. I think the phrasing that you have "lost yourself" seems harsh though

@Thefirstdance

i guess it’s ok to accept the ‘new you’ if that’s a you that isn’t completely consumed by your child and who has interests, passions, hobbies, life etc outside of your child and motherhood. Because if not it’s really not healthy!

The person I was before becoming a mother has never gone and never will.

It is rude but not "totally classic of a childfree person". Unless you were like this before kids?

Good to hear!
who wants to entirely lose themselves?! Doesn’t sound like much fun

Why though? It’s realistic. I see my friends once every month or so on my own, I make that “adult” time for them (whether they have kids or not themselves) and we always enjoy ourselves. Pre kids I could do that every weekend. But I can’t now. I don’t why being honest about what you can offer is a bad thing. If friends wanted to see me more regularly I’d need to bring one of both of my kids along.

It's not so much the regularity, it's the assumption that the parents life and needs are so much more important than the childfree person. That's selfish and self absorbed and I don't want people like that in my life. In fact after the car crash of a coffee out with my so called friend and her toddler when I was recovering from a course of chemo, I decided not to bother with any of that particular group of friends with children again as they were all similar.

I decided then to find friends with adult or no children and now have a lovely and mutually supportive group of friends. The ones with the Yong children tried to come back into my life but I'd moved on and had no time or energy for them. That's what happens to women who build their lives around their children and have no time for others. Do I care thoigh? Do I buggery.

I have never understood the phrase of loosing yourself once a parent.

My priority obviously changed once I became a mum, as it should do, my life also changed to embrace and accommodate our child, but I didn't loose anything, I just gained elements to myself.

I still see my friends and go out, I see them child free and sometimes with my child. I have also added new friends who we do things with the kids most of the time.

We have family members who have opted to stay child free as they don't want the commitment and responsibility of a child, but they do understand that our kids are now a big part of our life, as they quite rightly should be.

No one can understand how life changing or completely absorbing motherhood is for most people. I certainly didn’t until I had my own.

Have grown up nights out with said friend instead.

Not a nice thing to say.
It is definitely not a compliment.
When I had children with me it was hard to fully concentrate on a conversation at time.
Do you see here one on one?
Be careful of spending time with anyone who tries to make you feel less than.
Motherhood does change people, how could it not?