Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

[Whattheeff8767]

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

God, some of the posts on this thread are vile.

I wouldn’t see the point in meeting up if I was just observing you parenting. It’s really difficult to have a conversation with someone who is not focusing.

Your friend is entitled to meet up with you without your toddler commandeering the whole event and your attention constantly elsewhere. Why even bother meeting up if it’s difficult to have an adult conversation and you’re absorbed in monitoring your toddler?

Equally, you deserve time with your friend alone too. Every mum deserves a break and some adult only company and conversation. It’s part of staying sane.

Your post reads slightly of ‘she just doesn’t understand’ and that’s fair enough, but why would she and why should she understand? She doesn’t have children, obviously through choice or otherwise, so acting like she should bend to accommodate you and your toddler just because you chose different and chose to have a child is wrong.

There is a happy compromise here.

I see this as 2 issues.

You have a toddler of course your attention is always going to be on them. That can be solved by only seeing her without the child. If that’s, basically, what she meant she was unkind.

But when she said ‘lost yourself to motherhood’ she as she talking in a wider sense? As in you refuse to not take your toddler anywhere, even if you have the option to not take them. If you see her alone, do you only talk about your child, do you talk about other things, ask her about her life. Do you assume that everyone is as in love with your child as you are?

If that’s the case, she may not have phrased it in the best way. But maybe it’s really impacting your friendship. If you are like that and you are happy and don’t want to change maybe the friendship has run its course.

Friendships do change. People change. And sometimes those changes mean we are no longer compatible with people we were compatible with before.

That’s how it’s meant to be! Your kids are now your priority. I’d be blunt and put that to her. If she can’t accept that’s part and parcel of your life now sadly that’s probably it for the friendship now.

I have a friend who will talk to me for a little while and then literally as soon as I start talking she'll pick her (happy, not upset) baby u and start talking to her/playing with her and completely blanks what I'm saying. I do find it incredibly rude. There's ways of being distracted by a toddler where you can still listen and participate in a conversation

How often do your bring your child? Maybe they just want to see you and have no interest in tailoring the meet up to a toddler and a preoccupied mum.

Child free people are not dickheads just because they take a different path that means they don’t have to understand babies and toddlers.

I think I have lost myself in motherhood.

I take it a day at a time.

Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they are not a person in their own right so a person can be a parent and an obsessive bore, but to someone who hasn't had children just the fact that people even look like their friend considering having a child they will assume everything child related is boring

But you know what is what with them but the world doesn't stop if someone has a child

If she is referring to your behaviour when you are with your child then she is being ridiculous. When you meet a friend with a toddler you are lucky if you make eye contact, that's how intense toddler supervision is. I'd be more concerned about the patterns of when you meet her. Is it a mix of with or without children? I think both are important. I know some women who won't let partners do bedtime or won't get sitters and insist on being with child 24/7 when not working. If this is the norm for you I think she has a point.

Yet again it always seems to be the childfree getting the blame for everything.

I'm childfree/ childless NOT by choice. Pretty much all my friends have children. There are many different ways of parenting and some friendships withstand some versions, others not so much.

I had one friend who was unable to talk about ANYTHING other than her child from day one. I listened to this for 4 years until I started to just pull away. I didn't see her even ONCE by herself in 4 years despite her being married and having parents that would happily babysit. I remember once sitting in a softplay cafe with her, she was staring at her child playing (which I get she needs to supervise him) and we sat in silence for a whole hour. The silence was interrupted by her telling me to watch what he's doing there he's so sweet! If I tried to talk about anything at all other than her child she'd nod and make "hmm hmm" noises but there would be nothing else. I don't see her at all now. And from what I hear she doesn't really have any friends other than other hard core mum friends. She's also struggling now the child is 13 and wants to do less and less with her as he's a teen.

I have another friend with 3 children. We mix seeing each other separately and with the kids. Often I'll go round for an hour for tea, then we'll head out for an early dinner just the two of us, then sometimes if it's before bedtime I'll say bye to the kids for another half hour. I love seeing them but it's also nice to just chat to my friend. While it's just us two she rarely mentions them unless I ask or it's relevant to the conversation. When we've been in groups before and I'm the only childless person there she's really good at redirecting conversation when it's all just about kids or she'll try to at least talk to me about something else.

I'm not saying I don't want to hear about people's kids ever. But it's hard when I'm the only one in my friendship group who wasn't able to have them (only managed 4 miscarriages instead) and it's all they ever want to talk about. Unless those parents that blame the childfree on here think I should just fuck off and find other friends because I'm infertile?
They will often meet as a group with the kids. When I'm not there they can talk about them all they want. I just would like an hour or so on a night out that we can discuss other things. I really don't think that's too much to ask.

I am a mother and I agree that this is incredibly rude. I would get up and leave.
OP you need to see your friend without your child, stop talking about him and remember you have a first name - and it's not 'mum'.

True! She might not ever want children, and she's entitled to like seeing her friend without her child. But OP is entitled to want friends who like spending time with her child as well, if that's what she wants. Some mothers like to be with their children all the time at that age, and that's not a failing. Maybe she didn't mean it to be an insult, or maybe they might both be better suited to different friendships at the moment as they are in different stages of life too.

This is a bit harsh on the friend. Maybe just don't meet up with the toddler but for evenings out instead. What child free person goes out with a toddler? I don't think I ever did before I had kids, my mum friends did that stuff with their mum friends and I did their 'nights off'.

As a childfree/childless person I'd happily back away from a friendship if what we both wanted didn't align anymore. But I often see so many parents saying they "lost all their friends" when they had children. I think friendships should be about give and take on BOTH sides.

If a parent would rather only be friends with other parents and take their child with them 24/7 that's fine. But they can't then expect their childfree friends to be waiting to pick up where they left off 3/5/10 years later etc.

If a childfree person wants to NEVER see a friends kids that's also unreasonable.

A bit of both normally works best. But if either party is unable to manage compromise then the friendship is probably best not continuing. But I do dislike the tone of most posts that its always the childfree person in the wrong and that they just need to be more understanding.

Meet her without DC.

If you don't have kids it's not much fun meeting up with friends when their children are with them.

Even those of us with children don't want to hear about other people's children. I would so much rather talk about books, theatre, music, world affairs... literally anything. Obviously ten minutes or so is OK, just not three hours.

I have many childfree friends.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Fantasise about somebody you don't even know treating their friend horribly? That's what you find 'so nice?

And by the way, I very sadly don't have children. My husband and I have had to accept that it will never happen for us. I also don't have any designer handbags, a whitewashed oak table, or leave medications lying around. I do have some expensive make-up, but have no problem with my visiting nieces and nephews painting each other's faces with it, once their parents are happy with them doing so.

Why the vitriol and bitterness?

What a cunty post.

There is such a thing as a mum bore. It's hard not to be one when they're small, you don't sleep well and have very little time for yourself. As they get older it's so important to create time and space for yourself or else you start to lose all personality.

If you want to stay friends with this person you need to make some effort to see them childfree. As your DC gets older they need to be taught not to interrupt and that sometimes they need to go find something to do while you're busy.

@Dwappy

I had one friend who was unable to talk about ANYTHING other than her child from day one. I listened to this for 4 years until I started to just pull away.

Your post really resonated with me.

I do have a child and I probably was a bore when she was a toddler. It’s kind of unavoidable.

Bur it’s hard to get across to people how much the takeover of a friend can make a childless person feel. It can literally be like a zombie has occupied your friend’s body and has a warning signal that flashes red if the conversation becomes too adult or serious and hastily steers things back to drivel about what the kid is doing.

Its not just boring being on the receiving end of this it’s mildly insulting because it feels like the friend is using their child as an excuse to avoid proper conversation.

I don’t know what the answer is because if course mums are preoccupied with their toddlers. The childless friend has to take that on the chin a bit. But I do think its incumbent on people to ask themselves: “Does my best friend really want to have to remark for the fourteenth time in ten minutes how cute little Harry is when she wants to talk about her boyfriend / promotion / university dissertation?”

I was unable to have children. I had 4 miscarriages and spent around 30k on treatment. So I can't afford (or want anyway) expensive hand bags. But yes because I don't have children I have nice things out on display and my house is normally clean and tidy.
Why because I don't want to spend ALL my time with other people's children would you want my house smashed up?

Many years ago my friend's mother was dying of cancer. It was a horrible, drawn-out process for many months. Towards the end of this we visited a mutual friend who had a toddler. The friend whose mother was dying was talking about this, it was a pretty deep conversation and she was on the verge of tears. Midway through this the toddler came into the room and instantly our mutual friend started cooing over him, asking him what he wanted, whetehr she could look at his drawing or whatever. She interrupted someone whose mother was dying, and talked over her with inane bollocks. It was honestly stunning to watch.

That was in fact the end of their friendship - as the first friend said to me when we left shortly afterwards, "I'm never talking to her again". Not sure if the second friend ever actually noticed, she was that wrapped up in her children. I drifted apart from her too, not much motivation to keep a friendship going when someone shows you how much they care.

This. Still remember meeting up with friends with new babies/toddlers and I might as well not have been there. I felt invisible and inaudible. They weren’t all like this but a lot of them were.