Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

[Whattheeff8767]

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

You just claimed a rude statement was "totally classic of childless people" which is an offensive statement which generalises a vast number of people. Now you're caveating it doesn't apply to you because, pre-children, you had siblings. Your points are reductive and I'm paying them no heed.

@Whattheeff8767 it can be really hard for childless/childfree folks and parents to remain friends IME. The same when your kids are different ages and stages. Dynamics do necessarily change - and there can be struggles to empathise on both sides. I think I can see both sides because I was the first in my friend circle to have kids - mine are older teens and most of my friends have primary/early secondary age DC, so I've been in your shoes, but now seeing it from the other side with having older DC who are more independent and friends who are still in the baby/toddler trenches. Our small friend group had a bit of friction recently with a friend who had her first baby at 40 and honestly is acting like she's the first person in the world to have one. It has caused friction when we've agreed an adult only meet up and she's brought the baby without letting us know she couldn't get childcare or checking if it's ok, and we have had to have a gentle word. If that's something you've been doing OP, saying you'll meet her without your child and then bringing them along last minute, then I understand why your friend feels frustrated.

It is important to have adult time if friendships between parents and non-parents, or indeed parents whose kids are at very different ages and stages. Your friend probably misses having time with you that isn't constantly interrupted by a toddler. If you can find some opportunity to do that, it might help the friendship. I don't know whether you have any childcare options, so it might have to mean she comes over when your toddler is in bed for a chat and a glass of wine round the kitchen table.

Those without kids often don't understand the magnitude of the shift that happens when you become responsible for a tiny human. And parents sometimes can become a bit self involved, and dare I say a bit superior or patronising towards childfree and childless friends. And don't always appreciate that your baby/toddler/kiddo is the most fascinating thing in the world to you, but not necessarily to others.

It's not unreasonable that your friends should take an interest in your children and your life as a parent, accept that some of the time your kid(s) will be around when you meet, and that this necessarily means you will have to attend to their needs first. And it sounds like your friend could have been a bit more diplomatic in how she put it to you. But it is unreasonable to expect that friends will always enjoy spending time around children and that your meetings are always entirely focused on them and not your adult friendship.

@Thefirstdance

im sorry to hear about your sleep problems…it’s unusual to have insomnia to such an extent…do you think your sleep issues could have happened regardless of whether or not you became a parent?

@Thefirstdance

im sorry to hear about your sleep problems…it’s unusual to have insomnia to such an extent…do you think your sleep issues could have happened regardless of whether or not you became a parent?

You're doing nothing wrong. Don't take it personal, your friend is obviously lacking in empathy and common sense if she can't understand a toddler needs a parents full attention. Sounds like she doesn't like it when she isn't centre of attention.

Wanting someone you are out with to pay you some attention once in a while isn't exactly "wanting to be the centre of attention" is it? You're the one lacking in empathy if you genuinely believe that to be the case.

@LuckySantangelo35 Thank you for the sympathy. I was a great sleeper before kids, so I do think it started with them. Specifically, after giving birth the first time, I was in hospital for a week and I did not sleep at all(not even a nap) in that time. Once home I was unable to ‘sleep when baby sleeps’ to catch up in the day after the constant broken nights. Upon return to work I was a shift worker, so that didn’t help, but kids were the trigger definitely. Also they caused anxiety I never had before. I thought newborn DH was going to die and kept having to check he was breathing. Obviously I don’t still act that way now DS is 16, but I’m very anxious about what the future holds for him and DD. I didn’t worry about the future before kids.

Nope, having a child doesn’t suddenly make you not a dickhead. Your post proves this perfectly well. 👏

Some child free friends don't get it. I would ask her why she was rude and I would have child free days with her.

YANBU. I’m ashamed to admit that until January I was this friend. I used to go out with friends and their kids but really struggled with the screams and cries they’d let out. Everything changed when we got temporary custody of my grandson when he was 3 weeks old. I’m now the friend with the baby while all my friends kids are in nursery and school. Things will change when she has her own kids and then she’ll feel the way you do now

I'd give anything to be back lost in motherhood, even the shitty times.

I used to hate people who said "it goes too quick", and "you'll miss it". I used to think they had no grasp of everything I was going through, facetious twats.

I also had some friends who hadn't had kids when I did, and who were a bit judgy about how consumed I was.. a few years later their turn came and they realised.

Now though.... my nest is empty and I wish I could have even just five minutes back being lost in motherhood with wonderful little people.

They are wonderful adults now... but my advice to you is to stay lost as long as you can!

And if your friend doesn't respect that.

Bin 'em.

Oh dear. Your friends don't have conditions. They love and support you through early relationships, marriage, babies, and grief of family troubles and old parents and divorce and new relationships, redundancy, depression, menopause etc etc. If they have conditions to that friendship, they aren't your friends.

Absolutely this. My closest friend group have been friends since starting secondary school and we're all in our early 30s now. We have supported each other through relocations, university, abusive relationships, weddings & children! We have at times all been on different paths. One of them had their first child when I was still at university and another has just started university now after having two children!

The point is, we have fallen back when other priorities have taken the lead in their lives, and we have welcomed them back on their terms when they were ready. We have accepted without criticism that our lives at times have taken us in different directions and our friendships have never suffered.

I had my children late and it always annoyed me when my friends had the child with them when out with me…but I’d never would have said it to them. Those who could see me without their DC did, those who couldn’t I just had to deal with it and be happy I’m seeing the friend. It still annoys me when I’m out without my children and someone else brings theirs as I was hoping for and adult conversation.
maybe your friend made that comment because she doesn’t get to see you without your child?

First I say congratulations. As an old salior who was never there for a daughter cherish every moment with your baby. I've see a big chunk of the world which most won't. But ive never seen a little one take thier first steps. That's the choice I made. But when you get older ya kinda maybe wishfully think otherwise. So I've no advice just enjoy your little one now

Very typical of people without kids. They don’t get that you actually have to supervise and attend to your child. Maybe find some mum friends? Bit rude of her to be honest and I wouldn’t be best pleased.

It's not supervising and attending to their children that's annoying. Or at least not where it's necessary. It's paying no attention to the person you've invited and constantly interrupting any attempt at conversation by engaging with your child for no reason at all.

Child free friend: "I'm really worried, because I've found a lump in..."
Annoying parent "oh Lucy, what a lovely tower you've made!"

I've actually been that child free friend in a similar situation. And on multiple occasions I'd wondered exactly why my friend had invited me, since she had absolutely no interest in my presence.

So when I had my own children, much as I adored them, i was at pains not to be that person with my friends.

Actually I would say it’s very typical of people with children to think the world now automatically revolves around their offspring.

Yes supervise and attend to the child on a regular day to day basis, but don’t arrange a social catch up with a friend dragging said toddler along where they take away your entire focus.

It’s rude, entitled and quite frankly boring as fuck.

@saraclara it definitely doesn’t work when you take the kids along, I either go by myself or make it clear my kids will be there and that means the friend won’t have my undivided attention. Then they have a choice. I have had some friends I have had to leave behind because they just can’t accept that I have kids and that they will affect the time I have free and some of the conversation we have.

@PixieLaLar true of some people but not all of us. My kids are high demand and that means I have no clue what’s going on when I’m with them. Agree I don’t take my kids to my lunch and dinner dates with friends, that’s not much fun for me either and would be boring as fuck for us all.

Shame you didn't focus on your friendships
When your kids were little. Maybe you wouldn't be feeling so alone now your kids are grown up.

May you be a lesson to us all

It's the superior inward head shaking at how this friend might not possibly want to spend her social time watching a parent constantly attend to their boring normal child walking miracle.

Having the decency to properly engage with another adult who's spending their equally important social time with you, should be the bare minimum to expect from a friend.

I like my kids. I'm not so self absorbed to think anyone who wants to see me should be thrilled I've brought DTwins. Funnily enough, other adults would get royally fucked off if they've given up their precious free time to see me, and I repeatedly turn it into them spending their morning watching me parent two 4yos who manage to argue about who's turn it is to cough.

I would be rude and ignorant to create this situation. Me. Not my friend for calling my behaviour out. It's basic manners.

I agree with your post. Posters on this thread remind me of this thread where a woman brought her toddler and DP to the self catering cottage booked for a hen do

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/2998359-AIBU-You-dont-bring-a-toddler-to-a-hen-do

😂

That is a quite spectacular leap you have made there!

I said my nest was empty, not that I was alone. I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination.

My network of friends all the way from school, uni, parenting days, work, volunteering and social activities has grown over time, I have an amazing squad, and it is this wonderful circle, many of whom now also have empty nests and totally get it, that I appreciate so much. So I am super lucky.

My point, that you missed completely, is that motherhood (as in the bit where you have small people in your life), is really rather short, so make the most of it because good friends totally understand when you are a little consumed.

I never said be a bad friend, I said permit yourself to be lost for a bit because it will be gone soon.

I am reminded of that very cheesy meme that reminds us that everyone is fighting a battle.... be kind.

One of my younger friends had her first child just a couple of years ago, and she is gloriously lost in it having thought she would never be a mother. I love that for her. Objectively one might call her a crap friend because right now she doesn't bring much to the table other than talk of snot, sleep programs and diarrhoea, but as a friend, I recognise that she has loads on and hasn't actually slept herself in a few years.

Another friend is watching her older child slowly die, its fucking horrible, and she simply has no capacity to be a friend, I hope she is utterly selfish, because all I can do for her is remind her that I am here when she wants me.

I have had 8 miscarriages, and one of my children was seriously ill for many years so I definitely had limited capacity to be a particularly good friend to anyone at the time - kind people and good friends understood, those people who were there before, during and after, they are my rocks, as I have been for them on occasions as well.

I have one friend whose children have turned out to be total shits, who has had a series of crappy relationships and now feels very alone, despite the reminders and actions from those of us that care to show that we are in her corner. She has attempted suicide three times, and frankly this comment "May you be a lesson to us all" gives me chills, because it is cruel and has the capacity to tip someone who actually does feel alone right over the edge.

My comment on here absolutely sought to be kind to the OP. We actually are all fighting our own battles, so I'm going into my day today reminding myself of that so that I can look on others with a lens that seeks to understand and be kind rather than being a total nob. (I also can be a bit of a nob at times).

A delivery of thank you flowers and chocolates from a distant friend I helped out last week reminds me that I am actually an OK friend right now, but I have learned that you cannot be all things to all people all the time.

I hope you are OK.

I clicked out of curiosity. Oh my days. Toddzilla 🤣🤣🤣