Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

[Whattheeff8767]

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

Agreed. If I was meeting friends, particularly child free friends, I'd go without my children.
I felt it wasn't fair for our meeting to be dominated by my kids. It's very boring for the friends!

Meet up with her when you're child-free and talk about something other than parenthood. I'm guessing you're not showing much interest in her life.

This is why you need mum friends with same age kids. Absolute life saver.. Get net working!

Let's not make this thread into a load of nasty generalisations about childfree people. You might have been a dickhead before you had children, but that certainly isn't true of all childfree people.

When dd was little, my closest friend was childfree (and incidentally still is many years later). She was absolutely wonderful with dd, incredibly supportive of me, both practically and emotionally, and totally understanding of the fact that my life had changed.

At the same time, I recognised that she still had her own life and stuff that was important to her, and I continued to take an interest in this and to talk about stuff other than dd, because I realised that, frankly, much as she was fond of my dd, her life didn't revolve around her in the same way that mine did.

I think it's impossible to say whether your friend was being unreasonable or not tbh. She might have been totally clueless and unrealistic about the amount of time and attention that a toddler needs. She might have been trying to tell you that she's worried about you because she feels like you're so wrapped up in caring for your toddler that you aren't looking after yourself properly. Or she might have been saying that she's feeling neglected and that she'd like to talk about something other than your toddler from time to time. Rather than get defensive about it, I would try to reflect on whether or not she might have a valid point. If she does, then be grateful for the feedback and make some changes. If she doesn't, see if you can see her alone without your dc in future or consider phasing her out if you think you no longer have enough in common.

Aside from not being able to take your eye off them, one thing I remember from baby/toddler days is that I lost the art of conversation. I was in a stay at home bubble, fine in mother and baby groups, but I had nothing to talk about to anyone else. Didn't know what was happening at work, didn't want to think about clothes or makeup, had no clue about local gossip. But I knew all there was to know about child development. And Corrie.
I was bored and boring until I went back to work and rejoined the grownups.

I rarely meet my friends with my children, except the ones I know through the children and even then we often meet without the children. Every now with my long term friends and we will do a day time meet up and bring the kids along, one of my child free friends is an amazing ‘Aunty’ and the kids loving playing with her but for a proper catch up it needs to be child free.

Absolutely this. Good post from @MrsBennetsPoorNerves.

This is a bit like a man who says his wife has "changed" since she had a baby, because the attention is no longer 100% on him.

People without children won't understand how much it changes your life and priorities of course.

However, do you bring your child to absolutely everything, and if so do you have a choice not to? If this is a good friend worth the time maybe you can find a balance. Let's be real, someone else's 2 yr old isn't much fun as a plus one!

Absolutely let this not be an attack on the child free. They are not dickheads. 🙄 Your cherished DC are boring to other people.

When you are with your small child, losing yourself in motherhood is precisely what you do - it is what you are programmed to do - it is how the human race survives - it is fine. Just do it and ignore the criticisms.

It’s unlike that, though, unless the man is a dickhead, because the child is also his child. The OP’s toddler is not her friend’s.

Find a way to socialise with her without your child. You’re not wrong that you need to pay attention to a toddler at all times. She’s not wrong that that’s pretty boring for whoever you are with.

Oooo look more childfree bashing. I’m childfree and have been nothing but supportive to those with children. We aren’t all ‘dickheads’ we just don’t lose ourselves in motherhood and work hard to maintain friendships with those who have. Neither is wrong.

Op while what she said was clunky she probably just misses her friend and time just the two of you. Can you meet up without your child on occasion?

Quite normal although most would think it and not verbalise I suspect. Both sides of the debate equally valid here. Just don't take toddlerwhen meeting up with her if you want to remain friends. This is one of the reasons why friendships change over time.

Do you ever see her without the toddler?

Speak for yourself!

Ha you do lose yourself, ignore .
i’m just finding myself after many many many MANY years

When kids are little they are an extension of you. It is much easier to focus on a friend when out with your toddler if they are prepared to engage with the toddler too and really difficult if they're not. They don't have to be interested in the kid but if they are interested in you they will appreciate that it is your responsibility to focus on the kid and that's how they reach you! For a little while anyway.

That's not to say it's not nice to go out without them but you should do that if you want to not because a friend throws a strop about it. Friends don't have a right to your attention, but your kids do.

I have a child and I still find it annoying when other people bring their small children to non-child based activities. Even when DS was a baby, I wanted to have normal conversations about politics or current affairs or other people's news. I have friends who always insist that we plan things around their children even when it's totally inappropriate and expect plans to change to accommodate their children. They all have husbands/partners at home.

You may have been one, but don’t tar us all with your brush!

I am sick to death of the bashing that childless/childfree people get.

You DO need to make sure you prioritise yourself sometimes.
HOWEVER
She's either going to find out the hard way that, that's life and it's both normal and essential that you do prioritise your child.

If she does have kids she will 100% do the same thing.
If she doesn't accept this as normal and doesn't have kids it's her who will need to find new friends.

It's typical for friendship to dissolve between those who have children and those who don't because you find yourself in different life stages at the same time.

Equally you will find new friends in line with that who are in a similar position.

A lot of the issue is about losing the common shared ground you had within the friendship.

No one is right or wrong here. It's just the way it is.

She is the one who ultimately has to accept it or move on though because you can't just drop your child to go out to play with your friends anymore.

OP- I think people’s relationships change when they have children. My best friend has young kids and I don’t. I rarely see her without kids in tow and it has changed our relationship to a certain extent. We have different priorities and our lives have taken different paths. I think the young age bracket is hard, because your focus does have to be on the child (for safety/keep them entertained etc). Can you arrange to meet your friend without your little one from time to time?

It can actually be quite hard for childfree people to watch their friendships change in situations like this.

I have been on both sides of this and i think it can be a bit of an unbridgeable gulf.

Childless people don’t tend to have much understanding of how all encompassing it is looking after a toddler. Sometimes they can lack empathy for the mums perspective.

But to see it from their perspective hanging out with a dear friend who can’t talk about anything other than their children for more than a minute is unbelievably dull and frustrating.

i think she was tactless and unkind to say though as there’s nothing you can do about it.

I think it gets easier over time. Toddlers are very labour intensive and demanding. You will probably find that gulf closes a bit.

Take your toddler over to their home and make sure that when you arrive you tell your friend that you are going to ensure that you will focus entirely on your friend as requested. Let your toddler go entirely batshit rampant in their home, while you studiously ask your friend if they’re okay with every wince when they turn their head to try and see what has smashed or why your kid is laughing maniacally. Ask if they have something in their eye when the contents of their designer handbag are strewn on their whitewashed oak table and their high-end makeup is used as fingerpaint. Suggest that maybe they shouldn’t leave their medications around like that. It’s a good thing you’re not judgmental. Anyone would think she’d changed since she started taking them.
**This will never happen but it’s so nice to fantasize

Don't do this.