Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

[Whattheeff8767]

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

People also have different abilities to divide attention. In many places, I can have an eye on my child and talk to my dad for example but he’s absolutely adamant I can because HE can’t. It’s a slightly fragmented conversation (longer pauses usually) but I absolutely hear and respond

Going against the grain

You can manage a toddler and still have a conversation with other adults.

The toddler does not need 100% of your attention as long as you are aware of what they're doing.

Some of us could still attend to children whilst maintaining eye contact and a conversation with a friend.

It used to annoy the hell out of me if I was chatting to someone and they’d break off to just do something inane with a child who wasn’t in any particular need. I was once left hanging on the phone for probably 5 mins once while a friend wrangled with her child whether he wanted the blue egg cup or the bunny one. I was fuming - I had my own three small children at the time, and yet I was left there hanging in silence.

Another friend used to just drop by to entertain her child with our toys. She would start reading a book to hers while we mid-chat. In my own house! Left looking like a dope just sitting opposite her watching her read to her child (with one of our books) while my kids were playing in the other room!

It’s just utterly rude and self absorbed behaviour. The excuse that you’ve got small children doesn’t wash with me. Motherhood doesn’t stop you having a coffee with a friend and being interested in their life. If you’re too ‘distracted’ then you’re not a good friend.

When more of my friends had kids I realised that the ones who treated me as if I was invisible and inaudible were just rude. It wasn't an inevitability of becoming a parent. Most of my parent friends don't do that!

The last time I, as a childfree person, went out with a friend and her kid was just after I'd finished my first course of chemo. She had persuaded me to go out even though I was self conscious of my bald head and still felt fragile. She spent the whole time talking to the kid while I was trying to talk about my cancer and my treatment. I left early and didn't bother again.

You think your child is the best thing ever.

Your friend, wouldnt be bothered if they never saw the child again.

This doesn't make your friend a bad person because she doesn't want a child she's got no real interest in being the focus of when she tries to spend time with her friend.

Your child is not interesting to most people, other than you and family.

It's more telling than you know, how entirely focussed you are on your pfb when you describe your child as 2.3yrs old.

I like children. I have too many several. DTwins are fantastic, to me. They are tedious foghorns to many. And that's fine. You just need to twig that's the case.

Whereas I wouldn't want " mum" friends and have to put up with their kids. Mind you id not be taking a toddler out when meeting a friend socially

Why do you have to drag the toddler along? I imagine it’s incredibly boring for them and it completely changes the dynamic.

Without even meaning to the whole focus becomes about the child - it’s incredibly dull watching someone else parent their child when you are meant to be having a nice social catch up. Leave them with Dad or get a sitter next time.

@gannett

Unfortunately this sort of thing you describe happens quite a lot. It’s desperately insensitive but also unnecessary.

Toddlers do of course require hands on care and complete attention. But you don’t sign a contract when you have children that says: “I will henceforth never have a difficult conversation without immediately pivoting back to Peppa Pig or Bluey.”

You need to look after your kids diligently. It’s not a requirement to be such a tunnel vision bore about it. An intelligent person should be able to keep an eye on their toddler while also speaking to another adult.

So many stereotypes 🙄. Some posters are utter twats.

I thought it meant 2 years 3 months…

Could she just be concerned that you don’t have any time to be you outside of being a mum?

You can’t expect her to understand what it’s like having a child when she doesn’t have any. She doesn’t have to be like this- that’s on her- but I think this is an example of when friends’ lives are at different stages/ different choices have been made. She is being very close minded, or thick, not to consider how having a child changes you and your life. I was last of my friends to have children. Their kids were always welcome for day trips, shopping, lunch etc. When I had no kids, it was still obvious how difficult it is to wrangle a toddler!

@daliesque

So many stereotypes 🙄. Some posters are utter twats.

The “designer handbags” thing is particularly ugly. Nasty little jab at working women there. God forbid a woman earn enough to buy herself a designer handbag. The shame.

Well if you ignore you friend like you do a thread you created I kind of see her point

Or “ high end make up”. How dare she.

I suspect your friend is right, based on you saying your toddler is 2,3 years old.

OP meant 2 years and 3 months. And yeah, that is intense.

I wouldn't take ownership of this. Of course you have to watch your toddler! I would say ' if you are finding difficult we can meet just the two of us'

It's her issue and it's not something you can do differently other than meeting without your child.

She sounds quite immature, to be honest.

When/if she has kids she'll understand.

It's ridiculous to expect you to ignore a toddler so 'friend' can have more attention.

And free (for the time being).
😝

This isn't the point OP's making though, is it?

She's not saying she wants her friend to be enamoured with her kid, she's saying she can't ignore her kid while her friend is there - which she can't!

All she can do is not meet her friend with the kid but that's not everyone can do that very often.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother

She’s saying you’re a bore. And be honest, you probably are. We all are.

Or we are when we have our toddlers with us and we’re with our childfree friends who knew us before our attention spans were required for our small children.

Just see your friend when you don’t have your child with you.

If you aren’t into kids - or at least, not yet - other people’s children are dull and annoying a lot of the time. But when they are your children, they are amazing and funny and loveable.

I wouldn't take being "lost in motherhood" as an insult tbh. I'm absolutely lost in it, it's exactly where I want to be, and where I think I should be! It's wonderful. My DD is 17 months and I'm pregnant again so I'm not coming out of the fog any time soon 😂

I do make an effort to see my friends without DD but sometimes they actively ask to see her. They are interested in her and she's a very easy baby/toddler.

Most of my closest friends have children. I didn't understand it until I was in it. I'd give your friend some grace, if she ever has children, she'll understand it all.

this.
I was one of the later ones in my friend group to have kids. Perfectly fine with meeting up with them with kids in tow.

But there was a definite split, between those who would leave their kids to play while we were in the same room keeping an eye. We'd say 'Ooh that's nice,' if child wanted to show us something and if they fell over and started crying friend broke off the conversation to go tend to them - all completely fine. But otherwise left child to play and we talked about anything - might touch on how child was doing but also our parents, our other friends, holidays, work, tv, what was going on in my life, etc.

Then there were those who sat with child on their lap, wouldn't get through a single sentence without breaking it off half way to play/fuss with child, and wouldn't talk about anything else. Even if child fell asleep or we went out without them they would still monologue about toilet training, nursery, sleep schedules...things that are boring as fuck to people without kids (and tbh quite often very boring about other kids even if you do have your own).

Finding the second annoying, boring, selfish, and a bit depressing, doesn't make someone a "dickhead" "ignorant" or "rude" as some up thread have charmingly suggested.