Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

[Whattheeff8767]

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

exactly. with examples like that and @gannett 's friend it's hilarious that people can say, straight faced, that child free people are the ones who are selfish/incapable of understanding/unempathetic/close minded/dickheads/thick - to quote some of the lovely comments on this thread!

OP is entitled to want friends who like spending time with her child as well

Ha ha haaaaaa good luck with that. If I'm meeting a friend and I'm bringing DC, yes it will always be a friend with DC who is bringing their own. So that the DC can play together, and we can have an actual grown up conversation. If I'm meeting a friend who doesn't have DC, I'm going alone, because why on earth would they want to have a conversation with me which is constantly interrupted? And if I'm meeting a friend and leaving the DC behind, do I want them to bring their DC? Fuck no. I like my friends' DC, they're good kids, I care about them, but of course I don't actively want to spend time with them, and they don't want to spend time with me, they want to spend it with DC their own age or their parents.

Madness to take a toddler along when meeting a friend without DC. And yes, people whose only topic and interest is their DC are really, really boring.

Yes in terms of appreciating how different life is with kids. I thought I was amazingly supportive and understanding when I was childfree but when you experience it yourself you realise you didn’t have a fucking clue.

Jesus Christ, unclench!
It was a lighthearted post not a fucking proclamation.

Maybe you were shit, but to generalise this to everyone else is ridiculous. My childfree friends are not like this at all. They're fab (as are my friends with children)

But people on this post ARE calling the childfree things like this. You say you didn't mean it. But plenty of others do. People have said in non jokey ways on this thread that the childfree are unsupportive, thick, stupid etc.
Let's face it, no one in any aspect of life can truly understand another aspect of life they have zero experience in. That includes parenthood obviously. But it also includes infertility, cancer, chronic illness, spouse death, absolutely anything. Everyone can only ever be as supportive as they can be. But yet for some reason it only seems to be the childfree that gets called names like this. I don't call parents thick because they don't know how to "support" me as an infertile person.

I think it’s simple. Plan catch ups child- free some of the time, talk about your child/motherhood a little, keep the conversation 50-50.
I am a mother and I find talking about children and motherhood or giving attention to a toddler boring.
For most people out of the toddler phase they don’t want to catch up with others in it. As you just can’t talk and catch up properly

Does she have a point? Are you making the effort to see her on her own, without your child?

My child is an adult by now but I have friends who still have little ones. I see them with their children very occasionally but most times, they find childcare so that we can talk. If they always had the children with them, I would not bother meeting them. My time is precious and I have no interest in having a conversation with a toddler

I’m more focused on my children than several mum friends I know and a couple have gently tried to tell me I might be happier if I relaxed a bit. I’m not sure i can. When I’m with my kids they are my focus. I do like child free time though and try to have a mix of both. I wouldn’t want to see a child free friend with my kids. I think you do you. Your friend is expressing things a bit clumsily, is what she actually wants a bit more focus herself? Up to you if you want to prioritise her

@narns

Most of my closest friends have children. I didn't understand it until I was in it. I'd give your friend some grace, if she ever has children, she'll understand it all.

I’m sorry I find this really patronising. What if she doesn’t want or can’t have children? Or does but doesn’t want her whole life to be subsumed into motherhood?

Some of these posts are implying that the friend needs to be brought around to the inevitably of basing their life around children and childcare as if this is somehow the correct way to live and others are just pretending to be living good lives. But that doesn’t make sense for a lot of us.

A large number of people won’t have children. Of those who do, many won’t want to be defined by being a parent. I’m a parent (and very happily so) but I have never wanted to “disappear into motherhood”. While it’s natural that this takes a lot of your time and energy particularly with young children, I don’t think it’s normal or healthy for your entire identity to revolve around being a parent.

The intense period of parenting is a surprisingly short part of a woman’s life. Why would you want to throw away everything which existed about you from before that time. You will need it back at some point. Women who throw the kitchen sink at being a mother to the exclusion of everything else often wake up in middle age feeling lonely, frustrated and bored.

Its not just good manners to remember that other people’s lives don’t revolve around your children. Its self protection.

I don’t think it’s necessarily because the friend is child free that she thinks that.

I have a child and have a friend who I think has entirely lost herself to being a mum. It does happen.

It is boring being around people who are so focused on their children and talk about them non- stop. It is selfish and rude.

For those that ‘love’ being lost in it, find other friends that are also lost in it and talk to them endlessly about your children.

Why not just leave your child with their dad, or your parents or his parents or whoever, and enjoy some child free time with your friends - let your hair down OP! @Whattheeff8767

Stuff like this is why I don’t bother having mum friends anymore. You can tell when someone is literally fantasising about enacting revenge on you because they’re angry that this is now their life and not yours.

I tried really hard with my new mum friends - I even met up in soft plays. I was flexible and understanding and showed interest in percentiles and baby-led weaning. Spent ££££ on gifts and showed up, basically. Then the one time I needed support after emergency surgery that nearly killed me, when I could’ve done with just one visit and a chat, they all said that weekends were “precious family time” and during the week they were too busy. Not one of them came.

I don’t doubt there are childless/free people who act like inconsiderate twats but some parents have a baby and then decide that it’s fair for the friendship to only serve them from that point onwards.

@Fraaahnces

yeah only do this if you want to have no friends and no social life Op!

@Fraaahnces

also you’re assuming that the friend would sit there tearfully whilst the toddler trashed her house….yeah, not that is pure fantasy Hun!

I found some people a bit lost in motherhood even when I was a mother of young children!

It's a difficult stage, I would try to go out without the kids, if you have that option.

I don't mind my friends going on about their kids now mine are older, but a friend of mine hates it because it's a bit boring.

Even just having children of different ages can cause tension.

My childfree friends are all nice people though, that's what my friends are, we don't have to have all shared experiences to be friends.

Does she have a point? Do you see her without DC in tow? Do you talk about things that are going on in her life and that aren't to do with DC?

Of course you're going to have less time and focus, particularly in the toddler times. And if DC is physically there then will need your attention.

Maybe your friend is being rude and can't handle not being the centre of your attention. But maybe she isn't and is expressing her feelings that she misses you and could do with you being a friend to her.

Ask if they’d rather see you regularly with your child or once every few months without because that is the reality for most parents, you simply don’t have the time to see friends in the way you did pre kids.

Hear hear.

Except at some point you will want to be around people whose lives don’t revolve around children.

As a childfree dickhead myself I think she's probably wondering why you're bothering to meet with her, if it seems all of your attention is on your toddler. I expect a lot of attention to need to be on friends small kids, because they are tiny lunatics, but once it tips to the point you wonder why you're even there then you start to question the friendship. Obviously your kids become the centre of your world but it's tough to realise you aren't even on the periphery if it any more.
Could her suggestion that you are 'lost' in motherhood because coming from a good place? One of my friends acknowledged that about herself. She'd completely lost her sense of self identity and took steps to remember who she was beyond just her kids' mum.

I think I'd rather quality over quantity for any reason not just because someone is a parent.
If a friend said to me you can either see me daily for a 10 min walk or once a week for a 3 hour nice dinner I'd choose that.
I used to have a friend that wanted to see me all the time. She hated being alone. So we'd often pop to a coffee shop and after 10 mins she'd be on her phone. If I ever mentioned the fact we weren't speaking she'd say well what else is there to talk about? If I ever didn't see her for a few weeks or so we'd have a great chat and a catch up.

I also feel by your comment that you're implying that it's a way to make the friend feel guilty. (I could be wrong and I'm sorry if so). But by saying well it's either regular with my kids or hardly ever without them it gives a guilt trip vibe.
If a really busy working friend said to me you can either see me regularly but I'll be on the phone about work most of the time or once a month for a nice dinner when I won't be I'd choose the once a month. Whether the reason you can't actually talk is due to kids or work or anything else it doesn't matter. The point is if you're not really getting to talk to your friend at all what's the point in seeing them? Sitting in a soft play not talking isn't a requirement to be a good friend. Just being physically present isn't the be all and end all of being friends. You do need quality time as well.

@MummyJ36

quality over quantity!

I personally would rather see them less for both our sakes… for me no toddler in tow would be better as it would for most people and for her she would no doubt enjoy it more too without the need to wrangle toddler, she can relax and let her down and just be herself without needing to be in mum mode too!

@fitzwilliamdarcy

thats shocking! I can’t believe none of your friends came to see after surgery due to the weekend being “family time”!! You deserve better 💐

It’s difficult. I met my friend last week and was trying to have a conversation with her, but every minute or so her DD4 would interrupt us to talk to her mum. My friend would break the conversation off to speak to her.
Its fine because her daughter is only young, but it does make it hard to have a conversation and you do end up feeling like there not much point talking because the flow of the conversation just doesn’t happen.