AIBU to ask a friend not to cook if she's coming over?

[verityeer]

"Bella" and I are good friends and meet up fairly regularly to play squash, grab a lunch, or even just have a glass of wine and a gab.

The last couple of times I've suggested we meet up, Bella has offered to come over to mine and cook. It's a lovely offer on paper, but we've done it twice now, and to be perfectly honest, I find it a bit more tedious than relaxing. Bella is a messy cook and whilst she always offers to tidy up, she isn't quite as thorough as me. She misses spots of sauce on the splashback, crumbs in the crevices, sink is soaked after doing the dishes. Wee things that would be fussy to hover over her for after she's just cooked us a meal, but I still have to do the next day in addition to the leftover dishes from actually eating the meal and the snacks afterwards. She takes a lot of pride in her cooking, and can get a wee bit antsy if she feels you haven't suitably praised her delicious meal. I appreciate her effort, but do prefer my own cooking. Her cooking leaves a lingering aroma, but she doesn't like to open the windows or use the extractor fan. We go the shops beforehand and split the cost, but I end up with all sorts of tubs of half-used things the next day, and it ends up costing the same as a meal out in the first place.

DH is away this weekend, and Bella has offered to come around and cook on Saturday night again. I've told her I'd love to see her, but would prefer to just get a takeaway and relax this weekend. She pushed back a few times, so I ended up being more direct and saying that while I love her company, I've just spent all week shopping, cooking, and cleaning and don't want to spend my whole weekend doing the same. Now Bella is miffed and feels I've snubbed her.

Am I being a miserly guts who should just enjoy the favour in the way it's intended? Or would you have put your foot down as well?

It's quite rude to impose your cooking in someone else's house. It implies you don't enjoy their cooking, which might be true, but if so the tactful thing is to suggest a takeaway. YANBU at all. She's being silly and you should just ignore her.

Coming and cooking in someone's house is weird. Do you go to her house?

YANBU at all. If she wants to cook, she can host you in her house. I assume there's a reason she doesn't do that though. But yes, stick to your guns, it's a takeaway or nothing!

if she's that keen to cook, why doesn't she invite you to hers and cook messily in her own home?

Or cook something & bring it with her?

stick to your guns. Why does what she want to do have to take priority over what you want to do? That’s not balanced and fair is it.

Yanbu if she wants to invite you to hers and cook a meal that's fine but not in my house

Is there a reason she comes to yours and not the other way around? let her make a mess in her own kitchen

I think it's a nice gesture and not unusual in my culture. However it's fine to decline, say how about a takeaway or I'll come to you if you fancy cooking instead?

YABU to use the phrase "grab a lunch" though

I would feel odd about having someone cook in my kitchen, I agree, if she wants to cook she needs to invite you to her place.

I wouldn't mind the mess but there's no way someone is cooking in my kitchen without the extractor fan. Causes too much damage.

She tends to prefer to come to mine. Bella's a lodger in an upstairs maisonette with a live-in landlord downstairs, whereas I'm in a house with DH. I think she likes having a bit of space to cook these big meals, but whilst I sympathise I don't really have it in me this weekend! 😅

Oops, sorry, meant to quote you in the above reply!

Suggest she just comes over for drinks after dinner instead. There could be a reason she doesn't want a takeaway.

Tell her you are quite anal about your kitchen so it makes you uncomfortable. Sounds like the reality to me so you may as well be honest.

If you split the cost of the ingredients which are more than a meal - and she leaves them behind - doesn’t sound like cost is the issue.

She maybe sees the act of her cooking for you as an act of friendship (while also probably enjoying the space in yours to prepare she doesn’t have!). Since you like her company I’d put up with it once in a while, but otherwise be firm this is how you want to spend your weekends.

Bella needs to stop pissing away money on fancy ingredients and start saving for her own place.

I did wonder if perhaps she's wanting to avoid UPF or doesn't feel like a takeaway for whatever reason after she insisted on cooking... But it's Bella that brought up dinner in the first place, which is what I find baffling. My initial invite was just to meet up for a glass of wine somewhere!

so basically, she is using you and your home to pursue a hobby that she can't do where she lives and making you pay for it? Fuck no to that.

This is pretty much how I feel about the whole situation. I totally get that she likes having a bit of extra space to do her thing and am happy to put up with it every now and then... I even appreciate she's doing it out of wanting to do me a favour. But I've had a particularly gruelling couple of days and am looking forward to putting my feet up after a nice deep clean!

My sister thinks I'm being a grumpy git, so have told her we'll come to her and Bella can cook in her kitchen 😂

I would find it rude if someone kept on insisted they cooked in my house. Recipes of their choice, not cleaning up properly and making you pay half. Even though it's your energy bills and utensils she's using?
Why not cook for you at her own house?
Just tell her 'no thank you. But we can get a takeaway if you like. I'm craving a Chinese/pizza' (whatever takeaways you like)
She can't just force it upon you! I've honestly never heard someone doing this. Maybe helping to cook if asked, but not doing a whole meal in someone else's kitchen!

I would have done the same thing as you: politely and firmly turned down her cooking again.

I would stick to ONE reason: "it's been a long week and I'd rather just relax!"

Repeat at nauseum if necessary...

Can you go out to dinner; why does it need to be at anyone’s house?

If not, kindly, I do think YAB a bit U. Sounds like all you’re having to do is a wipe down of the crevices and backsplash the next day whilst shoving a few dishes in the dishwasher, I’d say that’s no real hardship for someone else doing the cooking for the night and spending quality time with a good friend.

I absolutely hate people cooking in my kitchen.

TBH I don't even really like DH cooking in it but I accept that that's unreasonable.

She's taking the mick using you to indulge in her hobby and making you pay for it!

Put mouse traps in the kitchen and cockroach catchers, maybe a Rentokil leaflet stuck on the fridge door 🤣.