AIBU to ask a friend not to cook if she's coming over?

[verityeer]

"Bella" and I are good friends and meet up fairly regularly to play squash, grab a lunch, or even just have a glass of wine and a gab.

The last couple of times I've suggested we meet up, Bella has offered to come over to mine and cook. It's a lovely offer on paper, but we've done it twice now, and to be perfectly honest, I find it a bit more tedious than relaxing. Bella is a messy cook and whilst she always offers to tidy up, she isn't quite as thorough as me. She misses spots of sauce on the splashback, crumbs in the crevices, sink is soaked after doing the dishes. Wee things that would be fussy to hover over her for after she's just cooked us a meal, but I still have to do the next day in addition to the leftover dishes from actually eating the meal and the snacks afterwards. She takes a lot of pride in her cooking, and can get a wee bit antsy if she feels you haven't suitably praised her delicious meal. I appreciate her effort, but do prefer my own cooking. Her cooking leaves a lingering aroma, but she doesn't like to open the windows or use the extractor fan. We go the shops beforehand and split the cost, but I end up with all sorts of tubs of half-used things the next day, and it ends up costing the same as a meal out in the first place.

DH is away this weekend, and Bella has offered to come around and cook on Saturday night again. I've told her I'd love to see her, but would prefer to just get a takeaway and relax this weekend. She pushed back a few times, so I ended up being more direct and saying that while I love her company, I've just spent all week shopping, cooking, and cleaning and don't want to spend my whole weekend doing the same. Now Bella is miffed and feels I've snubbed her.

Am I being a miserly guts who should just enjoy the favour in the way it's intended? Or would you have put your foot down as well?

I'd tell her the truth that going to someone's house and insisting on cooking is weird and intrusive. I wouldn't want anyone going through my cupboards and leaving me a mess to clean up, it seems one of those things that's couched as a 'nice thing' to do but in reality, it's a pain in the arse.

Does she share a kitchen with the landlord or have her own?

It does sound as if it's more trouble that it's worth.

Especially if you don't particularly enjoy the meals.

That sounds quite strange - nice to offer to cook maybe but really weird to insist when the other person isn't keen....

Sounds like either she doesn't have space/appliances like yours at hers and likes using yours, or she has some issues around food that mean she likes to control what she's eating by cooking herself. Though you would think the latter would be solved by meeting just for a drink. I know someone who can behave quite oddly around food due to long term food issues. However she would be happy to meet up just for a coffee or something.

Does she cook a lot at hers?

She's using you to live out her idea of friendship.

Suggest "picky bits" 😈

There must be a local college that does an evening cookery class that Bella could sign up for. She gets time and space to enjoy her hobby, her skills will improve and best of all she makes new friends so she can go and cook at their houses!

DH loves cooking and trying fancier, and more time consuming recipes than I can be bothered with. People are always telling me how lucky I am that he likes - and is good at cooking.
The food is good, but he uses lots of ingredients and seemingly every pan or tray in the kitchen and is very hit and miss (mostly miss) about clearing any of it away, or washing up as he goes along, or wiping up spillages.
He lives here so I have to put up with it but if it was a friend I'd definitely suggest a take away!!

I don't even really mind about the utensils and utilities - as we'd be using my stuff anyway! I just can't be bothered with the rest of the faff this weekend 😂

This is a great idea - think I will suggest this tomorrow! She's mentioned a few times how she misses cooking for a partner and how it seems wasteful to cook fancy food for just one person/how she doesn't want to buy lots of ingredients and then end up eating the same thing four days in a row 😄

Why did you agree to this in the first place, op?!
It’s a massively weird thing to do, unless there’s a backstory and you have some sort of disability that makes cooking for yourself difficult?

It doesn't, op originally just wanted to meet for a drink, no food involved at all, Bella is the one who has expanded it into a huge home cooked meal!

Basically it sounds like she likes cooking but doesn't have the facilities for it herself so takes advantage of OPs kitchen. Something is only a favour if it's something you actually want! You don't have to be grateful for a "favour" you didn't ask for and don't enjoy!

It's all very strange, I wouldn't be up for it either op! If she tries again I would be reiterating "no I don't want a big meal, let's just go out for a drink" "I'm already eating out a few times this week so I was looking for a quick catch up" "the idea of meeting up is to have a good catch up, I don't think that works when you're rushing around cooking and then cleaning."

I agreed the first time as I thought it sounded like a lovely evening! Agreed once more in case it was a fluke and I was being particularly grump the first evening, but it was exactly the same😂

I'd hate that.
It might have been a nice offer initially but now it sounds like she's just using your kitchen for her hobby and thinks you should be grateful.
Obviously I wouldn't put it quite like that to her if you want to remain friends! But saying you would rather just eat and relax after dinner than sitting around the kitchen whilst she cooks (in your space!!) seems pretty reasonable to me.
And if you aren't that keen on her cooking then leaving you with a lot of leftover ingredients and the food to use up or throw away really isn't the kindness it sounds like.

Just tell her the kitchen is closed and mean it.

It's weird and audacious of her to repeatedly impose this on you. I bet it's under the guise of doing you a favour too.

I couldn't care less if someone felt 'snubbed' after I had drawn a line on this, as after the first time, I would neither like or appreciate it.

I'm very happy for Bella to come and cook at my house!

I can’t think of anything worse.
I’d be happy to be invited to Bella’s, though 😁

😂😂😂

Oh I couldn't be doing with this at all, not even once. I would just say I get a bit territorial about my kitchen.

@verityeer yeah, I'm guessing most people wouldn't begrudge that. But it still costs money!

Is there a reason why she doesn't just cook for you when you go round hers?

Definitely just say you fancy a takeaway. If she feels that's too expensive I guess you can offer to pay. It will save a lot of hassle.

This is odd. I know she's trying to be nice but she's being very pushy about coming over to play with your kitchen.

I definitely wouldn't allow anyone to cook in my home without using the extractor or opening a window, the smells and grease are just going to build up from that and you're the one who'll have to deal with it.

Bella got an idea that this would be a great way to spend time, so she'll need some help adjusting. I also would not want to do it a further time. You know it isn't a fluke and doesn't work well for you. Stand your ground!

I really want to know what kind of meals she cooks for you…

No tell her you want a takeaway for a change.

If she wants to cook for a partner she needs to date. Don't be used as a substitute partner in any way!

Is she very young?

Does she have other friends she could start an informal supper club with?

I do feel a bit of a grumpy git for turning her down this time, as as you say, it's not truly that much of hardship in the grand scheme of things. Just can't be bothered this weekend! 🫣