AIBU to ask a friend not to cook if she's coming over?

[verityeer]

"Bella" and I are good friends and meet up fairly regularly to play squash, grab a lunch, or even just have a glass of wine and a gab.

The last couple of times I've suggested we meet up, Bella has offered to come over to mine and cook. It's a lovely offer on paper, but we've done it twice now, and to be perfectly honest, I find it a bit more tedious than relaxing. Bella is a messy cook and whilst she always offers to tidy up, she isn't quite as thorough as me. She misses spots of sauce on the splashback, crumbs in the crevices, sink is soaked after doing the dishes. Wee things that would be fussy to hover over her for after she's just cooked us a meal, but I still have to do the next day in addition to the leftover dishes from actually eating the meal and the snacks afterwards. She takes a lot of pride in her cooking, and can get a wee bit antsy if she feels you haven't suitably praised her delicious meal. I appreciate her effort, but do prefer my own cooking. Her cooking leaves a lingering aroma, but she doesn't like to open the windows or use the extractor fan. We go the shops beforehand and split the cost, but I end up with all sorts of tubs of half-used things the next day, and it ends up costing the same as a meal out in the first place.

DH is away this weekend, and Bella has offered to come around and cook on Saturday night again. I've told her I'd love to see her, but would prefer to just get a takeaway and relax this weekend. She pushed back a few times, so I ended up being more direct and saying that while I love her company, I've just spent all week shopping, cooking, and cleaning and don't want to spend my whole weekend doing the same. Now Bella is miffed and feels I've snubbed her.

Am I being a miserly guts who should just enjoy the favour in the way it's intended? Or would you have put your foot down as well?

this^
it’s much more sensible and grown up approach.

Oh god no !! My DH and I take it in turns to cook while the other cleans up after them . I wash up as I go along whereas my DH uses every pan in the kitchen and makes a huge mess ( he’s a great cook tho!) sometimes I offer to cook just so I don’t have to clear up the aftermath
I’d find this a huge intrusion and wouldn’t let it become “ a thing “!

I think you've hit on a good point here — I think she'd love to make this a regular weekly thing as would give her something consistent to do at the weekend. But I have DH, DCs, and other commitments to balance.

It's nice of her to offer but not so nice that she's being a bit insistent and put out about the no thank you. It's your house so she has no business feeling offended.
Fwiw I wouldn't like having someone else cook in my kitchen either. I'm not fussy or worried about mess...I just couldn't be bothered with the premise of it.

Your home, your decision. She is overreacting and a bit overbearing by the sounds of it.

I didn’t know I am married to a bigamist😂

So do I but I have a hopefully future DIL who stays over and I've had to unclench 😂

In this situation I would just keep saying you've had a hard week and need to relax.

I’ve just saw your update about her living arrangements - it’s unfortunate then but it doesn’t give her a free pass to cook in your kitchen.
I absolutely hate someone’s else cooking or washing in my kitchen (except DH and DD) and it won’t be relaxing evening for me at all.
In a way it’s a bit rude on her side. You want to see her but she want to rent your kitchen for practicing, I know it’s not like this but why chat only invite is not good enough for her?

Does Bella not have any kitchen in her maisonette? How on earth can she manage!

SIL & kids came to visit when baby was 3 weeks old for Sunday lunch which we were happy to do. SHe offered to bring lunch to save us effort. Great I thought. Except they turned up late stuff to make a meal rather than food ready to go in oven or such like. They made loads of mess I ended up eating leftovers as I was starving and the meal eventually served was very mediocre. This was certainly no favour. I don’t think id ever accept an offer to cook in my kitchen again! I’m sure she thinks she’s being nice but she’s pleasing herself really. If she’s going to take the jump over this she’s being a dick. I’d revert back to suggestion of glass of wine out.

YANBU

I would never dream of cooking in someone else's house. That's just so odd. And I would hate anyone to do it in mine.

OP, you sound like a very pleasant person , who keeps a tidy and clean house which is nice to be in!

Sometimes you just have to defend your space though, and if people try to push back, push back harder….

I loath having anyone messing about in my kitchen. YANBU at all.

I think the cookery course is a good idea. Maybe suggest something you'd like to do [as it doesn't sound like you are that keen a cook] and hope she signs up to stuff solo afterwards?
A good friend has started volunteering at a shelter on Friday nights on the basis it gives her something to do as most of her friends have small kids and she is wfh and just wants to get out by the end of the week. She mucks in with the evening meal and has built up some really nice friends within the volunteer group. She also quite likes it as it's alcohol free as a lot of the homeless folk have issues in that space, so she's bright eyed and bushy tailed on a Saturday morning.

Snap. It’s suffocating isn’t it?

I couldn't cope with this 😭

I'll admit I'm very anal about how I like my kitchen cleaned and I can't relax or go to bed until it's reached that standard. Aware that's a me issue. I'd hate someone messing up my kitchen and then knowing I'd have to clean it but feeling unable to in the presence of guests.

Oh hell no - you're not a resource for her! She can't come and 'play house' at yours... what if her bed's too small, will she be round for a night's kip?!

My kitchen is my domain, like it is for a lot of people, and I wouldn't like the boundary-crossing of another person cooking in it... I used to get the squealing jeeblies when my MIL used to come and 'help' by putting things away (wrongly) and cleaning and prepping her way... 😬

(This reminds me of when you were a kid and your cousins would come round and want to play with all your toys, and they weren't careful with them... 😮).

I love the update that she fried fish in your kitchen !!!!

what a piss taker - even if she is so ‘nice’, that is border line sociopathic.

no one sane would think that was ok.

Well, I definitely haven't posted it before 😂

You are perfectly reasonable.
She clearly loves cooking in a nice big kitchen and not having to do a thorough clean afterwards is another bonus for her. But you do not have to facilitate this hobby and it is OK to say no.

I was in the kitchen with her at the time and didn't really smell a lingering scent after we'd finished eating and she'd stuck the pan in the sink. But DH then came in from the garden and pulled me aside to say the room was absolutely stinking 😂

What do you mean "the sink is soaked"?

Hmm, my guess is that Bella is understandably missing being able to cook a proper meal at home and is using your kitchen instead. Which might be OK if you enjoy what she makes and she cleans up properly, but not otherwise.
You could offer to cook for her this time or you could say that you were thinking of just drinks rather than a big meal this time.
After a few of these drinks have been downed and the atmosphere is convivial, you could add that much as you love her, you don't really like other people using your kitchen, so in future you'd rather either cook for her or go out. And has she thought of moving house so that she has access to a proper kitchen? This might be the root of the problem.

I posted a few years ago about this. I had a friend stay who tried to cook dinner for us, I said no thanks, had to really insist, I had a toddler who really wanted what I was cooking, the way I cook. I find it really arrogant tbh, I wouldn’t dream of being so pushy. Stand your ground

I have another friend who comes to your house and offers to make you a cup of tea, then leaves used, leaking tea bags, general spillage on worktop. Again a firm, no thanks, I will make it.