AIBU to ask a friend not to cook if she's coming over?

[verityeer]

"Bella" and I are good friends and meet up fairly regularly to play squash, grab a lunch, or even just have a glass of wine and a gab.

The last couple of times I've suggested we meet up, Bella has offered to come over to mine and cook. It's a lovely offer on paper, but we've done it twice now, and to be perfectly honest, I find it a bit more tedious than relaxing. Bella is a messy cook and whilst she always offers to tidy up, she isn't quite as thorough as me. She misses spots of sauce on the splashback, crumbs in the crevices, sink is soaked after doing the dishes. Wee things that would be fussy to hover over her for after she's just cooked us a meal, but I still have to do the next day in addition to the leftover dishes from actually eating the meal and the snacks afterwards. She takes a lot of pride in her cooking, and can get a wee bit antsy if she feels you haven't suitably praised her delicious meal. I appreciate her effort, but do prefer my own cooking. Her cooking leaves a lingering aroma, but she doesn't like to open the windows or use the extractor fan. We go the shops beforehand and split the cost, but I end up with all sorts of tubs of half-used things the next day, and it ends up costing the same as a meal out in the first place.

DH is away this weekend, and Bella has offered to come around and cook on Saturday night again. I've told her I'd love to see her, but would prefer to just get a takeaway and relax this weekend. She pushed back a few times, so I ended up being more direct and saying that while I love her company, I've just spent all week shopping, cooking, and cleaning and don't want to spend my whole weekend doing the same. Now Bella is miffed and feels I've snubbed her.

Am I being a miserly guts who should just enjoy the favour in the way it's intended? Or would you have put your foot down as well?

@Namechange1892 gawd you make me sound tight af! Lol
But it's just unnecessary to force yourself on people with your cooking, in their kitchen. I cook in my own house. Others cook in their own. I don't think that seems particularly weird.
If you love cooking for people either wait for them to ask to cook in their home or invite them to yours.

You've made your mind up...you want a slippers and feet up relaxing weekend. Sorry Bella I'm not feeling it this weekend. Don't agree to anything you don't want to do

I haven't read the Melody Beattie book on codependency but I've seen it recommended and I've swapped self-help books with friends at various times when we were all messing up relationships. Bella might need help with attachments and boundaries? She is looking to someone else's family unit for her routine.

Not to worry; as I've said upthread, I really do not carry about the utilities or utensils a aspect😃

Not to worry; I took the dog out for a long walk and DH thoughtfully sent me a voucher for our local takeaway. I have watched a daft Netflix romcom, had a lovely glass of wine, and now me and the dog are in bed and relaxing 😌

This is why fancy cheese & crackers were invented.

I do not think you’re being unreasonable. But to add some context, I am a person that loves cooking and enjoys feeding others, so I get a lot of joy from cooking. I get an even bigger boost when those that I am feeding compliment my cooking. (Could be said that my love language is feeding lol)
Not to dive too deep, but with her recent break up she might enjoy the whole family aspect and feel like she’s providing and living a fantasy life that she was expecting for herself. So she may get a boost from providing/cooking/ feeding others.
But as I said, I enjoy cooking but I couldn’t bear someone else cooking in my kitchen. Especially, as you’ve said, when you’ve spent that day cleaning. The kitchen is definitely off limits after that lol
So don’t be hard on yourself, your feelings are totally valid, as is your friend Bella’s. But it’s also not your responsibility to push your feelings/ boundaries aside to accommodate your friend, especially in your own home (where you should feel most comfortable). So as long as you’re a good friend and a person she can come to in times of need then you’re a good friend. Which it sounds like you are as you’re still offering to meet up and make plans. Relationships are hard but as long as the intentions are good, you’re not doing anything wrong.

I’m with you completely, I think one of the main reasons being you don’t actually enjoy the food. I could look past the rest otherwise. It seemed like a low key weekend was needed anyway, so maybe not a bad thing she cancelled.

Fair enough to give it two goes, but I would just say you love her company and really appreciate the sentiment, but realised you want to stick to evenings where you can both kick back and enjoy a glass of wine and a takeaway together.

If you think a large part of the appeal is the earlier shopping time, could you perhaps plan a walk, wander around museum/gallery or browse around the shops together?

You could tell her you find it hard to relax and it detracts from focussing on enjoying her company but think it would just be hurtful if you tell her you don’t like her food.

It would annoy me too. Maybe accept it sometimes but she needs to accept that sometimes it’s a takeaway/eating out.

Ah, sorry if it wasn't clear, but the breakup was a couple of years ago. I do hope she still feels like she can come to me and we can regularly meet up in other ways. Just ideally not in my kitchen 🫣

Yeah, I think I would be a lot more inclined to overlook the cleaning etc if it was more my cup if tea. I'd absolutely never tell her that though, as appreciate she spends a lot of time and effort on it.

No need to apologise, it’s my mistake for not reading properly 🙈 Sorry for that.
I can tell from your responses on here that you’re a nice person so I’m sure she knows she has a great friend and can come to you 🥰

This is how I feel when my partner cooks for me 😂 he’s a great cook, foods lovely, and he’s always so proud of his dishes. And I definitely appreciate it as he finds recipes for meals I’ve said I’ve really enjoyed when we’ve eaten out. BUT he’s SUCH a messy cook, my god, it ends up on the walls, the ceiling, splashback, the ceramic hob is caked in stuff, the floors covered in it, I honestly don’y know how he does it because I don’t think I’ve ever made that much mess when I cook 😂 so I completely get where you’re coming from, it’s super thoughtful, but the clean up for me after is just so much that I actually prefer him not to cook, which sounds mean. He tries to clean up and does the dishes but definitely isn’t as meticulous as me, I’ve ended up having to touch up paint in the kitchen a few times because of food stains he’s gotten on the wall that wouldn’t come off 😂

It’s a lovely thing what she’s offering I’d love someone to come and cook for me but on a Saturday night I just wanna relax watch a bit of telly and have a takeaway -suggest that