AIBU to ask a friend not to cook if she's coming over?

[verityeer]

"Bella" and I are good friends and meet up fairly regularly to play squash, grab a lunch, or even just have a glass of wine and a gab.

The last couple of times I've suggested we meet up, Bella has offered to come over to mine and cook. It's a lovely offer on paper, but we've done it twice now, and to be perfectly honest, I find it a bit more tedious than relaxing. Bella is a messy cook and whilst she always offers to tidy up, she isn't quite as thorough as me. She misses spots of sauce on the splashback, crumbs in the crevices, sink is soaked after doing the dishes. Wee things that would be fussy to hover over her for after she's just cooked us a meal, but I still have to do the next day in addition to the leftover dishes from actually eating the meal and the snacks afterwards. She takes a lot of pride in her cooking, and can get a wee bit antsy if she feels you haven't suitably praised her delicious meal. I appreciate her effort, but do prefer my own cooking. Her cooking leaves a lingering aroma, but she doesn't like to open the windows or use the extractor fan. We go the shops beforehand and split the cost, but I end up with all sorts of tubs of half-used things the next day, and it ends up costing the same as a meal out in the first place.

DH is away this weekend, and Bella has offered to come around and cook on Saturday night again. I've told her I'd love to see her, but would prefer to just get a takeaway and relax this weekend. She pushed back a few times, so I ended up being more direct and saying that while I love her company, I've just spent all week shopping, cooking, and cleaning and don't want to spend my whole weekend doing the same. Now Bella is miffed and feels I've snubbed her.

Am I being a miserly guts who should just enjoy the favour in the way it's intended? Or would you have put your foot down as well?

I always think cooking in someone else's house is weird.
I my world, if anyone is cooking, its the host.

I thought this the first time she offered! 😂

No no no no YANBU.

People cooking in your kitchen is stressful unless it's like your sister is something.

This is when friendship tips into PITA

She has her own kitchen, though it's not huge. But perfectly serviceable!

The only person that I allow to cook in my kitchen (apart from OH, obviously, given that it's his house too!) is my sister, because she's an excellent cook and has the same 'values' as me.

I really like to cook and have invested a lot of money in tools and cookware etc - I really don't want my incredibly expensive Japanese knives or French copperware banged about by a random.

I think a lot of people are quite territorial about their kitchens and I don't think you're unusual to want to turn Bella down.

I have twice been in houseshares with a Bella-style cook and each time ended up not using the kitchen for much more than a cup of tea and living off microwave meals or panini. Encrustations and splatters and every vessel in use.

OP I have just cleaned my kitchen and the thought of someone cooking in it and not clearing up
properly… no thanks!
I am sure Bella enjoys your company but it’s clear she wants your kitchen space to cook in as well.
If she’s offended let her be - your company should come first, not whether she dominates your home.
Honestly people I read about on these threads are so demanding -
give me a lift to work every day on my terms
buy me a new kitchen and bathroom because you’ve just come into some money
The CF of it all astounds me!

I just don't understand people who cook and don't clean very well. IDK if it's from working in food for years where food hygiene is always front and centre of my thoughts, but to my mind, if you cook, you clean thoroughly afterwards. It's part of cooking.

In which case I think you should suggest going to hers and cooking for her

We tend not to spend time at hers; I get the impression she spends a lot of time at home as she is fully remote and likes a change of environment.

I have a friend who comes to stay an st cooks to say thank you. But she’s super tidy and often offers to get a takeaway but I prefer her cooking. But she wouldn’t be offended if I said no.

This.

Yes, a simple but excellent omelette with bought-in crusty bread and salad and cheese and a bottle of good white. Or something else no-fuss. Baked Camembert with honey and thyme, and a bought apple tart.

I often joke that DH thinks he's a tv chef with behind the scenes minions to put ingredients away, wipe surfaces and wash up.

Maybe recipes should include clearing up time as well as preparation and cooking time? 🤣

She split from a long term partner a few years ago, and never really got back into dating after. I totally understand that it can be a bit of a faff to cook for one if you don't batch cook, but still. Would love to see her get back out there as she would have a lot to offer a partner!

Maybe we need to start a cooking programme from my kitchen!😂

Bella has no manners.

dreaming of spaghetti aglio olio and chocolate mousse

If she's a really good friend, could you go out for a walk and pub dinner along with at least one eligible bachelor friend who happens to be around? And one or two other people. I recently met an Eligible Bachelor but probably not in the right location for you/her.

Nothing out of the ordinary really, she's made Hunter's Chicken and then fried fish. I lit many, many scented candles after the fish right enough 😅

I've never heard of this strange arrangement either tbh.

The usual arrangements are: if you're invited round to eat a communal meal ( that's if there's more than one friend) everyone brings a pre-made dish to the table.

The host provides the table, and all dishes of course, and also makes something, a small dessert, coffee/tea etc.

Everyone enjoys a diverse meal, everyone takes their own dishes home if not recyclable, and everyone happy, especially the host.

I would say if "Bella" feels the need to make a meal she's proud of to treat you at your home, she do the cooking at home as well.

You'd have to be very close friends, or family, to put up with having to clean your kitchen each time.

If you were that close though, you'd also feel more comfortable with telling them to please eave the kitchen as they found it.

YANBU, at all.

@verityeer

You say it's a bit of a faff, so just say to her it's a bit of a faff and be done with it.

I am a bit curious why you couldn't turn on the extractor fan or open a window, were you barred from the kitchen whilst she cooked?

Is this a new thing offering to cook in someone's home?
None of my friends have ever suggested it nor would I in their home.
You are perfectly in your right to say no if she doesn't like it she can cook in her own house

haha this. Bella is being a cheeky bitch.

I hate people cooking in my kitchen for the same reasons as you. She has no right to get arsey just because you dont want a mess in your kitchen.

If she loves cooking so much she can join a cooking class. No way would I be giving in here- she is the unreasonable one

I think it's enough just to tell her that although you enjoy the meals she cooks, you don't want her to cook at your house.