AIBU to ask a friend not to cook if she's coming over?

[verityeer]

"Bella" and I are good friends and meet up fairly regularly to play squash, grab a lunch, or even just have a glass of wine and a gab.

The last couple of times I've suggested we meet up, Bella has offered to come over to mine and cook. It's a lovely offer on paper, but we've done it twice now, and to be perfectly honest, I find it a bit more tedious than relaxing. Bella is a messy cook and whilst she always offers to tidy up, she isn't quite as thorough as me. She misses spots of sauce on the splashback, crumbs in the crevices, sink is soaked after doing the dishes. Wee things that would be fussy to hover over her for after she's just cooked us a meal, but I still have to do the next day in addition to the leftover dishes from actually eating the meal and the snacks afterwards. She takes a lot of pride in her cooking, and can get a wee bit antsy if she feels you haven't suitably praised her delicious meal. I appreciate her effort, but do prefer my own cooking. Her cooking leaves a lingering aroma, but she doesn't like to open the windows or use the extractor fan. We go the shops beforehand and split the cost, but I end up with all sorts of tubs of half-used things the next day, and it ends up costing the same as a meal out in the first place.

DH is away this weekend, and Bella has offered to come around and cook on Saturday night again. I've told her I'd love to see her, but would prefer to just get a takeaway and relax this weekend. She pushed back a few times, so I ended up being more direct and saying that while I love her company, I've just spent all week shopping, cooking, and cleaning and don't want to spend my whole weekend doing the same. Now Bella is miffed and feels I've snubbed her.

Am I being a miserly guts who should just enjoy the favour in the way it's intended? Or would you have put your foot down as well?

Proper fried fish means draining off and disposing of oil, patting fish dry on a platter of paper towels, etc. I can understand if she was making a special herb marinade or beer batter version, but why not go to a posh chippy instead? (It's Friday btw and I'm now thinking of fish and chips...)

My mother is currently in this situation and it's driving her mad. Her sister has a kitchen in her flat, a perfectly lovely flat, but she says she 'doesn't want to make a mess' so it's 'easier' to do it at my mums house.

And also she critiques my mum's equipment. 'Oh, these knives aren't very sharp'.

YANBU.
I think she sounds very controlling. Fair enough if cooking is her thing but to impose it on you in your home! I'd be having none of it.

YANBU. What a faff!! I couldn’t be doing with that after a busy week at work and I agree with pp that it does sound a little controlling.

Agree.

OP, I am perplexed that you continue to worry about being "a grump." What Bella proposes is a massive imposition, very controlling and not much fun.

She is using you to fill the void she feels in living alone. There is no reason she can't cook nice things for one person; it's absurd to think that one has to have a partner or family in order to justify making nice meals or practising cookery.

Just tell her that you like to relax in the evenings and that you deep clean on Saturdays and don't use the kitchen again until Monday. It was a one-off that you let her come before but you'd rather converse at a bar or restaurant than sit idly by while she is focused on the culinary efforts.

Can't imagine anyone so obtuse as to bring fish to someone else's home. And asking you to split the cost AND do all the cleanup, etc., is beyond the pale. She really sounds like a PITA, tbh.

Bella being overly obsessed about her own cooking in her friends homes. Now, that is as bizarre as it can get and only on MN

I’m absolutely with you, OP! I don’t even like anyone being in my kitchen putting things in the wrong place/hoking around in cupboards etc.

I think you’re the kind of person who would find someone else cooking in your kitchen a dream or a nightmare, and I’m definitely the latter! I couldn’t relax at all - I don’t even like guests helping clean up! I shoo them into the living with a drink while I sort the kitchen out.

I know someone like this. They think they’re a great cook and just love to show off in other peoples kitchens. To be fair they do tidy up so it’s not that that’s the problem, it’s the expectation for adulation and worship from others about how wonderful they are and the kitchen performance as if they’re bloody nigella on the telly. They tried running a restaurant kitchen once based on their love of cooking and everyone telling them how good they were. Barely lasted a week before asking a professional to step in and help. Didn’t stop the wanky cooking ego which lives on.

just tell your pal it’s your turn and you’re ordering a curry

Is she friends with you or your kitchen? If she only wants to hang out with you so she can cook, not much of a friend! Hanging out with you should be the objective - be it over a takeaway or crisps. Don't people please, stand your ground.

If you are not that fussed about her food, why not offer to cook for her one night? But thinking about it I can imagine she would turn it round and insist on herself doing the cooking! But agreed not great for you having someone mess your kitchen up and you aren’t even that fond of the end product. I think best you don’t even meet at yours the next time, say you want to go out just for a drink, no food involved!

We have a friend who insists on cooking when they come here sometimes and it drives me nuts.

I actually dropped a friend over her insistence on cooking. Granted it was at their place, not mine, but EVERY social occasion had to revolve around watching them cook, eating their food, praising their food, talking about food. So utterly tedious.

Plus the stuff they cooked was inedible. We have a mutual friend who is a food writer for a well-known publication and will eat anything, and SHE couldn't stomach "Clara's" cooking. The final straw was undercooked poached drumsticks, I kid you not. I literally gagged at the table and had to make an excuse.

No amount of alternative suggestions would do. "Let's just meet for a drink." "Let's try that new cafe." "How about coming to my place for a small cocktail party." "Let's go for a long walk." "Let's just go for cake and coffee." No, no and no. It ALWAYS had to be "dinner at Clara and Mark's place." Finally I just stopped responding to e-mails and texts. Perhaps cowardly but they just didn't listen, completely tone deaf to what friends were hinting at.

My closer friends and I all are middle-aged and trying to de-emphasize food in our lives. Our get-togethers these days tend to revolve around walking, visiting trust sites or garden centres, films, pubs or often helping one another with DIY projects and gardenings. A few nibbles and beer/wine ancillary to these activities, but few are interested any more in heavy meals or faffy cooking.

Your poor mother! At least Bella doesn't flag off my kitchenware

I think that would be a good call. I think part of the reason she likes coming to cook as well is that it starts the day off early — we'll go the shops together and she can come around early afternoon. Whereas if it's just drinks or a takeout I normally wouldn't have her over until seven-ish.

I work M-F same as her, but I'm hybrid. Plus during the week am taking the dog out, running DCs back and forth to footie or dance or piano, popping in to see mum, etc. I don't think her calendar is very full by comparison.

Wait hunters chicken and fried fish?

That's just a normal dinner, that's not a fancy treat dinner.

I thought you were going to say she was cooking gourmet banquets. I couldn't be arsed with someone making a mess in my kitchen for that.

No, that's odd and overstepping.

A short update; Bella once again insisted this morning that she doesn't mind cooking for me. I once again told her that I would love to see her, but don't want to do a homecooked meal at mine and would prefer to just meet for drinks as I originally suggested. Bella is now not feeling well, so we're leaving it this weekend.

In other news, my kitchen is currently sparkling and I'm going to relax this evening 😁

I’d be really excited to try this once and if the person left a complete mess like Bella did I’d dread her wanting to nag her way into doing it again! YANBU! Tell her you don’t find it a relaxing way to spend an evening with a friend!

Good outcome.
Bella having a strop because she doesn't get her way.🙄let her off.
Give her lots of space.
I wouldn't allow her use your kitchen again and I wouldn't contact her either.

High maintenance sulking is not a good look. Tedious.
Your home is not for her convenience.

Enjoy your relaxing evening.

This is all a bit odd. Even with the explanations other PPs have suggested she is being weirdly insistent.

Does she think she's an amazing cook? Could she have feelings for you?

Bella does have a chronic condition that means she's fine most of the time, but can randomly be knocked over on the morning of, so last minute cancellations aren't totally odd. I agree with you though, timing is very suspect to me on this occasion. We're due to play a game of doubles next week, I reckon by then she'll have got over it. It is weirdly out of character for her to take it this personally though.

My Goodness! I agree it is very odd, but I wouldn't think so — I'm married with children and Bella was in a longterm relationship with a man for most of our friendship. She does think she's an excellent cook though.

I lost a friend who believed I had changed towards her when it was my work pattern (and availability) that had changed. Some people take things too personally, so "I don't want the kind of evening you suggest" translates to them as "I don't want You".

Hope the situation decompresses. I'd be very tempted to Emma Woodhouse it and try to set her up with nice blokes.

I actually wonder if maybe she was going to ask a large favour or something, and intended to grease the wheels with a homecooked meal. I can't imagine what, but also can't really imagine what else would explain the bizarre insistence. Or possibly she's going through a hard time and doesn't want to talk in public?

Either way, unfortunately I think this weekend I'll just leave her to it. I'll take the dog to her favourite park this evening instead 🐶

That makes a lot sense as well, actually. Unfortunately, I don't know a lot of unattached men socially these days, but DH might! A job for us when he gets back, I think 😁