AIBU to ask a friend not to cook if she's coming over?

[verityeer]

"Bella" and I are good friends and meet up fairly regularly to play squash, grab a lunch, or even just have a glass of wine and a gab.

The last couple of times I've suggested we meet up, Bella has offered to come over to mine and cook. It's a lovely offer on paper, but we've done it twice now, and to be perfectly honest, I find it a bit more tedious than relaxing. Bella is a messy cook and whilst she always offers to tidy up, she isn't quite as thorough as me. She misses spots of sauce on the splashback, crumbs in the crevices, sink is soaked after doing the dishes. Wee things that would be fussy to hover over her for after she's just cooked us a meal, but I still have to do the next day in addition to the leftover dishes from actually eating the meal and the snacks afterwards. She takes a lot of pride in her cooking, and can get a wee bit antsy if she feels you haven't suitably praised her delicious meal. I appreciate her effort, but do prefer my own cooking. Her cooking leaves a lingering aroma, but she doesn't like to open the windows or use the extractor fan. We go the shops beforehand and split the cost, but I end up with all sorts of tubs of half-used things the next day, and it ends up costing the same as a meal out in the first place.

DH is away this weekend, and Bella has offered to come around and cook on Saturday night again. I've told her I'd love to see her, but would prefer to just get a takeaway and relax this weekend. She pushed back a few times, so I ended up being more direct and saying that while I love her company, I've just spent all week shopping, cooking, and cleaning and don't want to spend my whole weekend doing the same. Now Bella is miffed and feels I've snubbed her.

Am I being a miserly guts who should just enjoy the favour in the way it's intended? Or would you have put your foot down as well?

Why do you feel snubbed? What has she said?

No way, not rude at all! I think Bella needs to develop some self awareness. My partner is a messy cook, and he does exactly what you've described 🤣, the kitchen looks a shit tip 😂. If she can't accept that you just want takeaway and relax, then ask her to cook at her place instead? Just keep repeating what you've said until she gets it.

Nope. God I would HATE this. But you’ve created the precedent…

However YANBU because she’s being mardy about you saying no. She’s getting arsey and controlling over what goes on in someone else’s house and that is not cool. Stick to your guns. You’re entitled to feel the way you feel.

Would you not usually cook at the weekend?

Why do you spend all weekend cleaning if she cooks once?

Either way I wouldn't get keen on her cooking st mine. You haven't said if you enjoy her food?

for me it depends on which friend!! & why.

Does she acknowledge that she enjoys using your kitchen or does she totally think she's doing you a favour?

If it was a friend who acknowledged she just liked using my kitchen I'd let her at it, but she can bring whatever she wants to cook/eat in addition to the basic supplies I have in. I'm not going to be shopping/paying for it.

im fine with sorting my own food out or ordering in a takeaway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also they'd need to be pretty self sufficient, not continually asking where x is.

ignore your sister! Whether you're a grumpy hit or not is actually irrelevant. It's. YOUR house, your evening... you don't have to be 'nice' 🤷🏻‍♀️

I mean, fried fish is hardly haute cuisine is it? also as much as I love fish, it stinks to high heaven - no wonder she wants to use your kitchen.

DONT back down, she's being really out of line getting annoyed when its YOUR bloody kitchen.

If she made Hunters Chicken (cheesy, baked) rather than Chicken Chasseur (faff with a mushroom sauce) no reason for that much mess.

Maybe get in an Old El Paso kit for next time? A themed evening and also go out Latin dancing and make sure she changes partners a lot?

I usually do a deep clean on a Saturday morning, which is what makes me so grump about the whole thing! 😂

To be fair to Bella, she's generally a very generous person in every day life and I do think she's coming from what she perceives as a good place. I just can't be bothered entertaining it this weekend!

@AutumnLeaves24

Sister? Do you know something we don't?

I'd go with "the kitchen's closed". Who wants a messy cook crashing about in here after you've done the deep clean?

YANBU. Bella is being a bore.

Thanks for the offer Bella but I'm really craving <Insert food here> so let's get take away/already got the bits in.

No way I'd let a friend cook in my kitchen.

You've said more than once OP that you 'can't be bothered this weekend' then, to me, it doesn't sound such a problem after all ( except to 90+ or more % of PPs on here)!

So, if it's just this wknd, surely "Bella" shouldn't mind going along with your suggestions of take-away this weekend after your recent deep cleaning efforts?
Not sure now that I get what you're really getting at here....

This sounds awful. I get annoyed when my parents make cups of tea/coffee in my house and spill all over the side, sprinkle sugar, leave spoons. .

It would honestly never occur to me to go to somebody else's house and cook a dinner there. Maybe I'm very sheltered but I find this really odd and would hate somebody to come and do it at my house!

I’m sure that in her head it’s a nice suggestion but it doesn’t work for you, understandably.

As others have said, if cooking is a hobby that she wants to pursue but can’t at home, that doesn’t make it your responsibility to facilitate that, with all the cleaning up and cost that it necessarily entails.

”I just want to relax” should be a good enough reason for anyone - where she became rude, I think, was in pushing back when you said it didn’t suit you.

Hey I am on a new diet pre Christmas detox so drinks only from now dear friend.

I have a friend who used to insist on this. She is the loveliest person to the point of lack of self awareness that her gifts/nice things can ultimately make the receiver feel awkward and put upon. I had this forced on me a few times and after being hangry (she is slow at cooking!) and dealing with mess including messy ovens, this is the one plus point that all our circumstances have changed and we now keep in touch almost entirely on the phone!

I do it at my aunt’s house when we go to stay because she genuinely doesn’t want to cook every day for me and two children (plus another family member who lives with her).

Plus my son is quite fussy due to ADHD and dd and I are vegetarian, so it just works 😂

Would she feel betrayed and lose her temper if you had a few evenings in with her cooking and she felt it was now part of 'regular' life, whereas for you it's optional? I've had situations like this with friends who wanted to set up an expectation or rhythm I simply couldn't meet (with anyone but a partner).

Insisting on cooking at your house on several occasions is a bit outside the normal bounds of polite behaviour. The fact she’s been so easily offended adds to the CF vibe. Seems she wants to live like someone who’s not a lodger so using you as the place to do that.
If she doesn’t want to be a lodger, she needs to save up.

I have cooked a lot for or with friends including families and couples but it's usually arisen naturally as part of a day or evening out rather than being a special occasion, e.g. one person cooking, another sorting children, another going to drive or being in charge of the walk route, etc.

I'm exaggerating a bit here to be fair, using all weekend more as a figure of speech. I mean more like; I usually do a deep clean of my whole house on a Saturday morning. I'll give the surfaces a quick wipe and the floors a quick sweep after cooking on a weekday, but on a Saturday I'll mop the floors, wash the windows, scrub the oven, elbow-grease the hob, do the beds, that sort of thing. I'll usually cook something I've prepped earlier in the week at the end of the day, like chilli and rice. Minimal cooking, minimal cleaning. So I don't really then want to get up the next day and wash all the leftover dishes, wash the hob again, clean the splashback, mop sauce from the floor, get the smell of fish out my curtains...

I could just not deep clean before she came over, but I'd feel really uncomfortable😂

Hell no.

Dated a guy for a while some time ago. He was a professional chef and a foodie. We were just completely incompatible, in the hindsight.

He didn't do anything wrong, but he did like to cook for me at his own house or mine. That wasn't such a problem, but he cooked elaborate complicated meals, it took so much time and then the cleanup (we shared that). Also, he liked to talk about food, ingredients, what goes with what, where to source this and that, yadda yadda.

I view food as fuel and don't give a shiny shit what I eat. I want to keep trim and healthy, so basically eat some simple protein+veg combos all the time. Taste isn't relevant to me, most important is the speed, the less time spent preparing and eating meals - the better. Then we/me would have time to do some actually interesting/fun things. So I found his obsession with food absolutely tedious and it didn't last.

So no, I certainly wouldn't agree on my friend cooking in my kitchen, a waste of time that could be spend on doing something else. And then waste even more time on cleanup.

Bella needs to read the room. I’d have actually said you have to have the extractor fan on if you’re using the stove.

I've definitely seen this post before e