AIBU to ask a friend not to cook if she's coming over?

[verityeer]

"Bella" and I are good friends and meet up fairly regularly to play squash, grab a lunch, or even just have a glass of wine and a gab.

The last couple of times I've suggested we meet up, Bella has offered to come over to mine and cook. It's a lovely offer on paper, but we've done it twice now, and to be perfectly honest, I find it a bit more tedious than relaxing. Bella is a messy cook and whilst she always offers to tidy up, she isn't quite as thorough as me. She misses spots of sauce on the splashback, crumbs in the crevices, sink is soaked after doing the dishes. Wee things that would be fussy to hover over her for after she's just cooked us a meal, but I still have to do the next day in addition to the leftover dishes from actually eating the meal and the snacks afterwards. She takes a lot of pride in her cooking, and can get a wee bit antsy if she feels you haven't suitably praised her delicious meal. I appreciate her effort, but do prefer my own cooking. Her cooking leaves a lingering aroma, but she doesn't like to open the windows or use the extractor fan. We go the shops beforehand and split the cost, but I end up with all sorts of tubs of half-used things the next day, and it ends up costing the same as a meal out in the first place.

DH is away this weekend, and Bella has offered to come around and cook on Saturday night again. I've told her I'd love to see her, but would prefer to just get a takeaway and relax this weekend. She pushed back a few times, so I ended up being more direct and saying that while I love her company, I've just spent all week shopping, cooking, and cleaning and don't want to spend my whole weekend doing the same. Now Bella is miffed and feels I've snubbed her.

Am I being a miserly guts who should just enjoy the favour in the way it's intended? Or would you have put your foot down as well?

I'd find that weird tbh!
She's imposing on you and it's costing you in electric/ gas too, let alone your time and energy clearing up!
Why can't she cook at her place?
Better idea to go halves on a takeaway
You may not want to upset her by speaking up, but she's not worried about upsetting you is she?
Decline Decline Decline

I know exactly what you mean. I don't want even to cook in my own kitchen after the fortnightly, very thorough cleaner has worked his magic.

God I have a newborn and a friend offered to come cook for me. I was like erm....no thanks! Why would anyone enjoy that? If you want to be helpful, mess up your own house and bring a dish???

I can't believe she fried fish, that's so smelly.

She's just enjoying your big kitchen and cooking for someone if she's single.

What about if she cooked the dishes at home and brought them over just to reheat?

Why don't you cook together? Do you sit down and watch her cook? Or you could be washing up tidying up behind her as she cooks, so it's pretty much finished when she's finished.

I understand why she might be frustrated where she lives that she can't 'cook up a storm'. If she's a good friend I would put up with it, if the food is actually nice!

A hard no from me. I think I'd be telling her my oven was on the blink - and the hob.

The point for me is that when someone comes over I want to spend time with them not do a joint shopping and cooking activity. If I want to watch someone cooking, I'll put on the food channel.

If I have people coming over I often cook as we don't have any decent takeaways nearby. However, I'll alway do something that can be prepped ahead and sorted with minimal work on the day. Then you can relax and enjoy the company.

My concern about the cookery course is she'd be keener than ever because she'll want to show what she's learnt!

I would hate to do that, I know my way round my own kitchen almost blindfold, know which hob(s) I like best on the cooker, know how long it takes to heat up, know which knife is the sharpest, which spoon is best for stirring, where all the pans and dishes are. Someone else's kitchen would really slow me down and make me a bit anxious.

She's very of the mind it's a favour and I'm to put my feet up and relax... But I do end up hovering around her anyway and giving things a quick wipe as we go. Unfortunately, Bella creates mess faster than I can clean behind her.

The food is not to my taste, but I enjoy her company! I think if the food was really tasty, I would probably not mind the faff so much 😅

Not to worry — I firmly declined yesterday when she text! It was only after my sister said I was being overly grumpy (combined with Bella's mardy response) that I wondered whether I was out of touch!

Her wants and needs do NOT override yours, OP!

Bella is probably a relative of mine. My whole family and I include myself, is cooking obsessed.

Never have I offered to cook for someone in their house (unless I am staying there)

I get why she wants to do it but it's reasonable you don't want to.

I think you need to be honest it's not for you

Her behaviour is self-indulgent disguised as kindness. People like this drive me nuts. She has no regard of what you might like, it’s all about what she wants….she sounds a pain in the arse.

I can't believe this is apparently a common issue! Someone making tea like that in my kitchen would drive me batty as well 🫣

My sink/tap is a certified Splash Zone unless you have the tap turned exactly the right way. I should probably have said "area around the sink is soaked". Bella will fill the basin and dunk the pans in soapy water for me, but leaves the counter top all around the sink soaked, the windowsill behind it wet so everything on it is all slimy underneath, the cabinet below covered in drips, and whatnot. Not a big job to clean or anything, but annoying after I've just deep cleaned it. I'm the sort who wipes taps down after using them to avoid water streaks 😵‍💫

I've told her I'd love to see her, but would prefer to just get a takeaway and relax this weekend. She pushed back a few times, so I ended up being more direct and saying that while I love her company, I've just spent all week shopping, cooking, and cleaning and don't want to spend my whole weekend doing the same. Now Bella is miffed and feels I've snubbed her.

Of course YANBU to say no thank you to anyone proposing to do something in your home. Her mardy response is on her, not you.

Fried fish can really stink, no wonder she wants to use your kitchen! She doesn't want to have a lingering smell at her place.

The thing is, I actually really enjoy cooking myself! So it's not as though she's coming around and relieving me of this chore I hate. Appreciate she probably thinks it's nice to be cooked for instead of cooking for DH and DCs. And I probably would like it if someone who cooks to my taste and was self-sufficient in my kitchen poured me a glass of wine and told me to chill on the couch with the dog and a book until dinner was ready. Unfortunately, Bella cooking in your house is... not quite that relaxing.

Oh dear, I never thought about your last point! 😳

There's definitely been a thread about this before, at least you're not alone. I think she's just lonely and a little arrogant tbh.

You have an entire family unit to do things with on a weekend. A friend must expect you won't always be 'on' for a very engaging and active evening. Do you work during the week? You say Bella works from home all the time? Maybe she needs to hotdesk or get into a rhythm of going to a library or pod of some kind (café if affordable) so her human contact needs won't have built up by the weekend.

I would absolutely hate someone cooking for me in my kitchen. I like a clean kitchen and clean as I go so it would be super stressful.
Unless she brings a pie/casserole pre prepared it would be a firm no from me and actually I would say "It is a real pain cleaning up after you"

It's your house

If she cooks, the window is open and the extractor fan on

No argument

You are very patient.
I wouldn't like this.
I certainly wouldn't like the clean up.
I think it is presumptuous.
As for house stinking?
Simply wouldn't have it.
Especially fish.🤢