Ghost or be brutally honest?

[TheBeesKnee]

I'm posting on behalf of my friend who, in her own words, is too angry to think straight.

She went on a third date to a man's house to make pizza. His suggestion. When she got there he was very low effort, joggers and crocs, had the ingredients but no rolling pin (but helpfully pulled out an old flour-crusted bottle of wine as a solution - suggests he's done this before? 🤔).

The place was a bit grubby but the bathroom was filthy. There was a crusty bar of soap that looked like it hadn't been used in a while. There was no other soap/hand wash in the bathroom or kitchen.

Other highlights include a tour of the house and "this is where the magic happens" when they got to the bedroom.

She doesn't want to see him again. They are both mid 30s.

YABU - she should ghost him
YANBU - tell him she doesn't want to continue dating him because he's a dirty bitch and she doesn't want to further populate her microbiome

She doesn't have to do either of those things.

"I'm not feeling any chemistry", or similar is fine.

Why the 2 extremes?

'Thanks for the other night but wasn't feeling it.'

No need to ghost, be a grown up and send a polite “thanks but it’s not for me” message. Then block if needed. Ghosting is a shitty thing to do.

So, lying.

So. She feels the chemistry but didn't like the FLAT, is that what she's saying? In that case I would say that. I really fancy you but to be honest you need to get a cleaner in, it's obvious you haven't entertained for a while.

I don’t understand why she’s so angry?

"Thanks for the other evening. On reflection I think I'd prefer not to continue seeing you, having a decent rolling pin is of paramount importance clean and comfortable home is important to me and I'm not willing to compromise on that"

I think we have approaches in life that don't align

Because he invited her over, made minimal effort and likely doesn't wash his hands.

Maybe disappointed, frustrated and fed up would have been better descriptors than angry.

How is that lying?
She wasn't feeling it, was she?

I don't get it? Does she think he invites women for a third date pizza experience in the hope of getting them in to bed and she's angry about it? Or just angry because she doesn't like his hygiene
Presuming he didn't pressure her into anything and she could have left at any time ie she could have said omg there's no soap in your kitchen I'm not eating anything you make!

Why are the options so mean? Treating people how we would want to be treated is the key.

Just tell him you're not interested in taking it further. It's rude to ghost people when it takes seconds to send a message. You don't need to go into details of why. There clearly is no chemistry if you/ your friend is so angry. So I'd just say that.

I think a vague ‘no thank you’ first is fine and if he pushes for more specific reasons then she should do his next date (and possibly all of his past, present and future acquaintances ) a favour and give him some more specific feedback about how grim it is. No need to be mean / angry just matter of fact.

If she doesn't have to see him again then I'd tell him the truth.

If they run in the same circles then fluff it up with a "Not feeling the chemistry".

She feels chemistry with this man?

Ok, well perhaps she could go with "Our lifestyles are too different" or similar.

But of course as a grown woman she will have told the odd white lie in her life.

If she'd rather go with one of your immature examples than tell a lie, that's up to her.

DID she feel chemistry? Your post suggests no, certainly not by the end of pizza date.
It is possible to actively choose options in life which aren't cruel.
Ghosting unless they've abusive etc is cruel. Saying "omg, you're such a dirty disgusting guy, I heaved with every bite of pizza and as if I'd ever want to examine the numerous skid marks in your seven day old pants" is cruel. "Thanks for the date but I don't see this going anywhere for me" is to the point without being cruel. Leave it to him and his mates to work it out.

I’m stuck on the bit about wanting a rolling pin to make pizza…

I don’t understand why she’s angry, wants to ghost him or wants to have a rant. “Not That Into Him” is fine.

Thanks but no thanks, soap-deficient dude.

"Thanks for the evening, unfortunately I'm not feeling this and don't want to continue seeing you. Take care."

I can't imagine accepting an invite to someone's home where I was expected to cook.

I’m stuck on the bit about wanting a rolling pin to make pizza…

So glad it's not just me!

A rolling pin isn't required for pizza. You stretch it, not roll it. I'm not sure why she's so aerated (unlike the dough after flattening it thoroughly with a wine bottle).

A polite 'thanks but no thanks' is fine. He didn't force her to eat and was wearing casual clothes at home. Perhaps he uses shower gel for everything. This isn't 'too angry to think straight' territory. Have you both had sheltered lives?

This!

I wouldn't spell the real reason out for him because a) he'll just try and instigate a back and forth about why your friend is wrong and b) I think it's better that men show their true nature early so that women like your friend can avoid. If he gets wind of the real reason women are running for the hills, he can sneakily present a better self initially and resort to his standard whenever he feels he can get away with it.

Not sure if I should mention that I also use a wine bottle to roll out pizza dough! I just don't use a rolling pin for anything else and it seems silly to buy one for the once per 2 months ish that I'd make pizza.

What a drama. She just needs to text she doesn't want to take things further and wish him luck in his search.

I feel like I could’ve written this post. I wonder if it’s the same person. It’s not that he doesn’t ever “entertain”, he just never cleans.