Ghost or be brutally honest?

[TheBeesKnee]

I'm posting on behalf of my friend who, in her own words, is too angry to think straight.

She went on a third date to a man's house to make pizza. His suggestion. When she got there he was very low effort, joggers and crocs, had the ingredients but no rolling pin (but helpfully pulled out an old flour-crusted bottle of wine as a solution - suggests he's done this before? 🤔).

The place was a bit grubby but the bathroom was filthy. There was a crusty bar of soap that looked like it hadn't been used in a while. There was no other soap/hand wash in the bathroom or kitchen.

Other highlights include a tour of the house and "this is where the magic happens" when they got to the bedroom.

She doesn't want to see him again. They are both mid 30s.

YABU - she should ghost him
YANBU - tell him she doesn't want to continue dating him because he's a dirty bitch and she doesn't want to further populate her microbiome

If your friend is so angry she can't think straight because a chap was wearing joggers in his own house, doesn't use a rolling pin to make pizza dough and is a bit lacking in soap I'd suggest she makes use of a therapist.

If her default options are really cruel thing 1 or cruel thing 2 she should be on her own and work on herself before entertaining the idea of dating because id bet my life that she'd be incandescent with rage if a man did either of those things to her as opposed to a polite not feeling it, all the best type of thing.

Thank god he didn't get his wand out to try and conjure up the magic 😂

C'mon people - this thread's a wind up

It was a third date. They're not compatible. This is why people date. The degree of anger is a bit bizarre. People talking about a projected future living together on a third date is a bit bonkers.

It doesn't sound too terrible to me...he was wearing casual clothes because he's at home, it would be weird to dress up to the nines for a night in. He had a rolling pin type implement, he wasn't going to flatten the pizza by walking on it with his bare feet! Bathroom sounds a bit manky but nothing that couldn't have been pointed out jokingly "that bathrooms' seen better days" " you could have rolled the red carpet out and bought some handwash" etc. Just goes to show we're all different. I don't get why she's so incredibly angry though, people seem to get outraged so easily these days.

Exactly this. Some people aren’t compatible or have different standards. Personally I’d not feel like trying to make someone feel really low and shit about himself just because we were different types of people. Okay, he didn’t clean the bathroom well and didn’t have a hand soap. He made a shit joke (a lot of people do when nervous). He used a wine bottle as a rolling pin (so what?!). He didn’t feel he needed to wear a tuxedo to make pizza in his own home. None of these would make me ‘too angry to think straight’ or make me want to be cruel to him. I’d just let him know I didn’t feel a spark or feel we were compatible. But then I’m not a bully and don’t want to punish everyone who disappoints me 🤷‍♀️

This reminds me of that episode of Friends. Can't remember how it ended but if you look it up OP it might have a way to handle it? Or maybe Ross (pretty sure it was Ross??) ran out of there screaming, I really can't remember! 🤣

Note to self: It's finally time to re-watch Friends again.

Hasn't done anything wrong? Have to disagree with you here. If i have guests around a) i look presentable and b) my apartment is spotless.

I absolutely expect the same from anyone else. I consider it to be good manners to care about the comfort of guests, and given that this was so early on in the dating process - if this is the best this chap can do, it would be a hard no from me. He basically wants a wet dick without having to make any effort.

Besides which, it sounds like it would be a cheese dick if the unsanitary home conditions are anything to go by. 🤮

😂😂😂

Does she like him?

My DH didn't have a light bulb in the bathroom or a toilet seat - next time i went round i brought him both, then next time i sent him out and cleaned and told him if i went round again and it was back in its original state i wouldn't be going back. Turns out he is cleaner than me and just needed it bottoming it to stay on top of it.

For the sake of womankind, for God's sake tell him why she's not interested. A hint about his Cruddy bathroom and zero effort might spur him into higher standards for the next unfortunate woman he sweet-talks!

I don’t know why women feel like they have to tip-toe around mens’ feelings, especially those, like your friend’s date, that couldn’t give a flying fuck about hers. Not exactly a sensitive flower is he? With his crusty hygiene and laissez faire attitude to her efforts. Nah fuck him. Go full brutal and tell him it is a gift of ‘useful feedback’ for the benefit of his own self improvement.

Joking aside, my own opinion is that she should just say "sorry I don't fancy another date" with no detailed explanation because telling him off about it is high conflict and plays into the fact he's a manchild who wants a woman to be his mum and look after him, and it might make him cling on to her which will be hard to turn down if there's still chemistry even after hearing the words "this is where the magic happens". 🤢

Why on earth are some pps advocating blocking? This guy is simply giving OP the ick, blocking would be childish and excessive in this scenario. That said, ghosting is unkind as well. What's wrong with OP just telling the guy this isn't working out for her?

I don’t think she needs to offer more explanation that she doesn’t think they’re compatible (which isn’t a lie). Nobody expects a Tripadvisor review after 3 dates 😂

Hello. I think maybe your friend’s reaction is perhaps more her disappointment that he is not who she wants him to be. Otherwise it is a bit disproportionate to get so upset and think the only available options are unkind ones. It sounds like she felt like he didn’t make an effort and that she found his place unclean. This means he’s not for her, but not that there needs to be a big statement to deliberately hurt him for not having been as she wanted. Just draw a line under it saying it’s been great to meet you but I don’t think we quite hit it off, all the best or something.

Right just to be clear, we're not total social eejits. She has sent polite, neutral "no thank you" break up texts before. But those men have been incompatible in neutral non offensive ways (aside from the racist).

This is the first time a man's house has been actively dirty. I do think most people expect an effort in the beginning, especially when he was so clearly hoping for a shag.

I would have thought the two extreme choices would have indicated that this was venting/light hearted thread without having to spell it out.

It's a swamp out there.

On serious note, OLD can be very difficult to navigate and unpleasant at times. Ghosting is one of the behaviours that makes it unpleasant - as can unkind parting shots. Let's not encourage or perpetuate this.

She just says she is not feelng it and ends the relationship. No big deal.

How he keeps is house is his business. She isn't being asked to live in it.

It’s not a lie to say there’s no chemistry though is it?

She has every right to be turned off if his place is not clean

This is the first time a man's house has been actively dirty. I do think most people expect an effort in the beginning, especially when he was so clearly hoping for a shag.

Perhaps she needs to stop going to random men’s houses then.

It’s obviously not working out for her very well is it.

Perhaps if she wants them to make an effort and not just invite her around for a shag, she should meet someone other than their home.

Ghosting is cruel. It plays with a persons mental health

Just tell him 'I think we would be better as friends'

'I do not wish to see you anymore'
'I am moving to Afghanistan'

Just say something, doesnt have to be the truth

I don't ghost as a rule, as I'm better than that. The exception, of course, would be if someone was particularly weird or rude.
It's best just to be honest or give a 'thanks but no thanks' excuse.
Ghosting is for cowards.