Ghost or be brutally honest?

[TheBeesKnee]

I'm posting on behalf of my friend who, in her own words, is too angry to think straight.

She went on a third date to a man's house to make pizza. His suggestion. When she got there he was very low effort, joggers and crocs, had the ingredients but no rolling pin (but helpfully pulled out an old flour-crusted bottle of wine as a solution - suggests he's done this before? 🤔).

The place was a bit grubby but the bathroom was filthy. There was a crusty bar of soap that looked like it hadn't been used in a while. There was no other soap/hand wash in the bathroom or kitchen.

Other highlights include a tour of the house and "this is where the magic happens" when they got to the bedroom.

She doesn't want to see him again. They are both mid 30s.

YABU - she should ghost him
YANBU - tell him she doesn't want to continue dating him because he's a dirty bitch and she doesn't want to further populate her microbiome

Not to be a food bore, but the most exclusive pizza place in New York (Lucalis Brooklyn) exclusively uses wine bottles to roll pizza dough. It's good enough for Beyonce....

You're welcome

She just needs to be grown up and say, 'I won't be seeing you again!' It doesn't make her a bad person. Being ghosted isn't nice.

Exactlyyyyyyy so if the relationship progresses and they move in together, either she will be doing all the cleaning or living in squaller.

Never mind the rolling pin.

I'm stuck on the fact she feels chemistry with a man who wears crocs?! 👀😂

I don't think either of them are proficient dough spinners to be fair.

"It's been interesting getting to know you but but this isn't a relationship I want to pursue any further. All the best."

In 2 minds.... When I met now dh he was living in a dubious house.. He had even more dodgy attire.. Once we binned the sandals and moved in together he got his act together.. Is actually a fab man all round.
Even where it matters......

Is Beyonce a pizza expert these days as well? No end to her talents.

Ugh, I'd just tell him I didn't want to see him again. If he asked why, I'd just say, "Come on mate, I've seen your bathroom! If you think we could live together you must be insane!"

Unless someone is abusive, dangerous or toxic, ghosting is very cruel and immature. Being brutally honest is also unnecessarily cruel, again unless someone is a nasty piece of work.

A white lie lets them down gently & gets the message across, job done.

And actually it isn't a lie to say you're not feeling it, someone's not right for you etc. it's called tact. Just because you have an opinion or thought doesn't mean it always need to be shared.

I don’t see what the difficulty is? Just text “Thanks for the date, I don’t want to see you again, as we just don’t seem compatible. Good luck.” And leave it at that.
Your suggested options just sound childish.

My dh was a grub as well when we met and is completely different now after living together. He went to pick up take out last week and came back with nothing. Said he saw the workers in the back handling food with no gloves so cancelled the order. I've never been more attracted to him in my life. Prior to our relationship he would've been happy eating off the ground so they can and do change

Sorry, do people usually get dressed up to have people over? I certainly don’t! The house sounds gross but I’d just be honest and suggest he hired a cleaner if I liked someone enough. Single men are often a bit gross tbh. I don’t think she needs to ghost or be rude to him - both very unreasonable suggestions. He hasn’t really done anything wrong?

Some women’s standards genuinely fascinate me.

I sometimes read posts about people with terrible slobs for partners, despairing at having to do all the domestic labour and wonder ‘how did things ever even progress past a few dates. Then I read comments like this and all becomes clear.

She should send him a message politely stating she isn't interested in further dates.
Ghosting is nasty and so is being rude about the state of his house, it's not her place to comment on it

It's not a choice between the two.

All she needs to say is 'I'm sorry, it's just not working for me. Thanks and good luck in the future!'

If he begs her to tell him why, then yes, I'd tell him the truth. That way at least he can choose to be different if he cares badly enough.

Is lying somehow worse than ghosting? I wouldn’t have said so.

Both options you’ve mentioned seem to be designed to wound. But given that your friend is “too angry to think straight” because of a bad date, that doesn’t surprise me. I wouldn’t want to go out with a slob, but a fucking massive drama queen is even less appealing.

Has he actually asked her out again? If she's as angry as you say she is, he was probably well aware she was unimpressed by the lack of effort and basic hygiene unless he has the hide of a rhino.

They've been on a couple of dates, I'm not sure what all of the angst is about. This isn't really working for me and I don't think we're compatible is a perfectly adequate response.

To add, I don't have any issue with him being in comfortable clothes for a date at home as long as he and they are clean and tidy. The state of the house is a separate issue IMO.

Is her intention to do the most hurtful thing?

I think that would probably be being brutally honest, although ghosting is pretty awful too.

I could cope with a bit of mess, and I don't see what the problem is with an improvised rolling pin-but "this is where the magic happens"??

"Thank you, but I don't think we're compatible."

I would just be polite and say 'thanks but no thanks' to further dates. However, I can see why she's a bit annoyed, like he thought sex was so on the cards he wouldn't have to put any effort into a very new (not even real) relationship. Just a bit deflating.

Your friend should do the man and the world a kindness by giving him feedback as you close the door.

Best scenario : he improves himself and cleans up, finds another partner and becomes a better person / contributor to society

Worst scenario : guy doesn’t care, he just wants women for “magic times” in his grotty bedroom, and will never wash his hands ever - but you feel better for being honest (and vindicated)

Are you really in your mid thirties? I would have guessed early twenties tbh