Ghost or be brutally honest?

[TheBeesKnee]

I'm posting on behalf of my friend who, in her own words, is too angry to think straight.

She went on a third date to a man's house to make pizza. His suggestion. When she got there he was very low effort, joggers and crocs, had the ingredients but no rolling pin (but helpfully pulled out an old flour-crusted bottle of wine as a solution - suggests he's done this before? 🤔).

The place was a bit grubby but the bathroom was filthy. There was a crusty bar of soap that looked like it hadn't been used in a while. There was no other soap/hand wash in the bathroom or kitchen.

Other highlights include a tour of the house and "this is where the magic happens" when they got to the bedroom.

She doesn't want to see him again. They are both mid 30s.

YABU - she should ghost him
YANBU - tell him she doesn't want to continue dating him because he's a dirty bitch and she doesn't want to further populate her microbiome

The sort that grows in Petri dishes by the sound of it!

All sound terribly dramatic: so angry she can't think straight. It's not as if they've been married for years and she's found out he's been cheating.

It was a third date with a man who is clearly a slob and wears crocs oh, and doesn't have a rolling pin.

Sounds like she's well out of it tbh.

Why are you talking about, what would happen if the relationship progressed and they moved in together; they've had three dates.

No need to ghost him it's nasty. Just, as pps have suggested, tell him it's not working for you/her.

I don’t get why she’s so angry. They had an informal 3rd date at his and when she saw him in that context, he wasn’t for her. He saw it as a chilled jogging bottoms evening and she did not. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t date him again, but he let her into his real life world and it wasn’t for her. Some people care about mess and others don’t, some people apparently use a rolling pin for pizza (who knew?) and others don’t. I don’t understand why any of this is worth getting angry about - a frustrated eye roll at most, surely?

The place was a bit grubby but the bathroom was filthy - from the OP's first post.

You think he hasn't done anything wrong by having a grubby flat with a filthy bathroom?

Blimey, you have very low standards.

Seriously???

Yes, people get dressed up for dates and most want their dwellings to reflect positively on them, and to be clean and comfortable for guests.

He's probably one of those blokes that leaves stripes on bedsheets and poo crumbs on the toilet seat

Never ghost. Christ, what a shitty thing to do to another human being.

He hasn’t done anything “wrong” as presumably that’s how he lives and some people would care but honestly others wouldn’t. I would absolutely care and it would be a no from me but I have friends who have different levels of hygiene/cleanliness and we’re still friends (although I wouldn’t want to live with them) and they’re all married.

Perfect 👌

I dont get why she's so angry? He's a bit grubby and she's very judgey!

The 'so angry' reaction is odd. Presumably she just wasted a couple of hours. He sounds hideous. Just drop him and forget it.

Wow... I wonder why she single in her mid 30s, if this is what makes her irrationally angry and her first thought is to jump straight to abusive/bullying behaviors.

Clearly a catch that should have been scooped up a decade or two ago.

Well, you're making too many assumption there. Would I personally be put off by it and call it off? Yes. But the guy just isn't for me – it's got nothing to do with wrong or right.

It's not 'wrong' to have a dirty bathroom and low hygiene – it's his home, his body, his choice. He can either find a like-minded woman who doesn't care, stay single or change his ways to open up his options.

I'd rather be single than be with someone who doesn't wash his hands!

I would jusdge anyone living in a grubby flat with a filthy bathroom.

The joggers and crocs wouldn't bother me.

OP, had he been to her place?

Hi. I think she can send a message , anything along the lines of:
I'm not feeling it
Don't think we connect
There's no spark

Is fine, a little ' good luck for the future' would be nice. Then block to avoid further chat.

I like this. I don't think there's a need to be brutally honest. She won't be seeing him again which is obviously fine and her choice however there's no need to bring him down, make him feel shit about himself etc.

Is he otherwise a nice guy that's looking for love?

If so, maybe give some constructive advice. "You're a really nice guy, but I'll be honest, I was a little disappointed with our last date. I'd made an effort to look good and was looking forward to making pizza, but, I'll be honest, the dusty wine bottle "roller" and comments like "this is where the magic happens" when showing me the bedroom just makes it feel like you do this all the time with other women."

If he just seems like he's looking for a shag, I'd leave him to it and just say "thanks for the invite, but I don't think we're compatible". You won't be able to teach him anything with that attitude!

The joggers and crocs is a proper ick moment though... I am certain I visibly cringed while reading that!

He sounds like he has disgusting hygiene and is a bit sleazy with the 'this is where the magic happens' comments but he wasn't mean or horrible to your friend so I'm not sure why just a polite 'nice to have met you but I'm not interested in having a relationship' message isn't acceptable to you or your friend.

The instanct ick for 'this is where the magic happens' would resolve the chemistry issue for me as there wouldn't be any left, nevermind the crusty soap.

People who are obsessed with cleaning make me laugh. Ok, it's not ideal for things to be a bit grimy but is it really worth summoning this depth of emotion over it? Spitting mad and primed to send a rude text?

Tell her chill out for once in her life.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a pain

"Thanks for the evening, unfortunately I'm not feeling this and don't want to continue seeing you. Take care."

This is perfect. Its not rude, its not ghosting and its not lying - its the truth, she doesnt feel it.

You dont have to point out a person's every flaw in order not to "lie". You can simply say no dont want to continue. There is simply no need to go to extremes of ghosting or "you disgust me". Its not necessary.

Yuck he sounds grim! Hygiene is extremely important. Unfortunately with men though you have to be tactful and not hurt their ego in case they are psychopaths. So I would just say something bland eg chemistry and move on.