DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

[N0b0dyhere]

Firstly, this truly was an accident. We are both very against physical punishments. He was extremely apologetic to DD when it happened and he feels extremely guilty. She is okay, just a bit shaken and says it stings.

DD(7) is autistic and was having a very big meltdown. During these she can become violent and she was trying to hit us with anything she could find. DH went to slap one of the objects away and accidently caught her instead, hard enough to leave the raised imprint of 3 of his fingers.

We want to get ahead of this by telling the teacher about the incident as it'll likely be seen in PE. But will it be reported? They are fully aware of DD's meltdowns and are trying to support as much as they can but just looking at the mark from an outside perspective I'd probably think the worst.

My son would be quite aggressive when little and indeed head butted me on the nose and also covered me with bruises.
i called it ‘child abuse’ when the child abused the adult. Often I was in tears as it hurt. A 7 year old child can really hurt an adult.

My instincts were to grab DS from behind and lock him into a deep hug and rock him. The deep pressure worked for him. He was usually overwhelmed by it all and once deep hugged would fall asleep.

When he got older and if he chucked heavy stuff I would not engage but observe from a safe distance. I remember him chucking garden furniture around.

As an adult he has been trained to re regulate himself -‘it can get better.

You need to understand the triggers before it gets to a meltdown. Also there is usually a sign that an eruption is coming so move to a safe place where there is less chance of harm.

It is very hard and exhausting and you might need to get respite.

The OP did not describe her daughter lashing out in a blind panic! She described her husband lashing out.

You seem to be of the belief that the (any) parent of an autistic child can never be guilty of overstepping the mark (even when they've freely admitted they did), which is frankly an appalling position to take.

The tone of (pretty much all) your replies leaves much to be desired. Name calling 'twerps' stupid etc seems to be your default - it's perhaps worth reflecting on that.

I think you handled it well OP. I can’t believe some PP were telling you to keep her off school until the mark faded, that would actually be a form of abuse in its own right and likely cause her to internalise it as punishment. I hope those PP are not parents or they need to wobble their own heads.

If anything it will help highlight how the behaviour is impacting and prioritise the need for support.

My biggest regret was not getting respite when my son was younger I should have photographed my bruises and said I needed time out. No one can exaggerate how it feels as a 7 or 8 year old wallops you. It’s really unpleasant and all you can do is defend yourself or take preemptive action. However you can’t control the environment around you that fuel the outbursts.

Get a social worker ASAP! It’s a positive and get direct payments. Are you getting carers or DLA? Use it to get time off but you might have to use an older person or an agency.

See this as a positive to get help as she is only bring to try bigger.

Lots of people can be critical but as someone who had to take my shoes off and drop bag to chase after a 10 year old across an expanse of green I feel for you. I also experienced wetting myself because my son freaked out about me leaving him to go to the toilet and at aged 10 he was too big to go in the ladies or disabled toilet with me.

Being persistently whacked it is really painful.

You can be trained in all the strategies but it still not 100% controllable.

The child is still the innocent in all this but I could imagine deflecting and in the process accidentally hurting the child - did not happen to me but push n someone off you for eg could result in finger marks.

Overall my child had an excellent attendance record and behaviour record at school but as he got older we all had to deal with the head banging and the anger etc.

1 I learnt to ensure kid was safe and then walked away

2 Once away do controlled breathing or just have a scream

3 If the child is a harm threat do learn deep pressure if your child responds to that.

4 Try to cut it off at the pass eg as soon as you get to see the signs. It’s better not to have the break down eg ensure not too tired, not hungry, not overstimulated or in a sensory healthy environment.

5 Keep a diary of triggers also use the card system eg red to yellow.

6 Clear rules, timetable and structure also visual aids in the house

7 A peaceful home with no clutter - keep things tidy and have a clear quiet spot for your child.

Also whilst I think about it

We had a little box of curiosities with squiggly toys, tactile stuff and chews that helped. He wore a chew around his neck.

We kept walls clear but we always had a basket of books to read with a cosy corner.

We gave our son a clear timetable of the day and also what he was going to eat etc and tried to stick to it.

Walk charts for behaviour

We insisted on routine exercise eg swimming 3 times per week as it really helped regulate.

Texture time eg cooking together helps as a bonding thing

He had a tent we would roll around in or take books into. Just a safe space.

We had a trampoline and made regular trips to playgrounds for the SPD issues

Just to say, it happens!
DS has autism and if you ask him where the scratch on his arm came from he would say « mum scratched me » which is technically true, even though the context was that I was trying to grab his arm to prevent him from throwing his dinner plate at his sibling.
Or the time he thew a book at me, I held me hands up vertically in a reflex to protect my face, the book bounced on my flat hands and hit him in the face leaving a mark. Again, he would say « mum threw a book at me ».
We have been lucky that any such marks have never been questioned but it is something that worries me.

@Noras thank you for you post, it really helps to feel we are not alone. Very giod advice.

Thanks, @Noras. This is kind and useful.

This

I have a DF who has a teenager with ASD getting school involved never worked out ever. All they did was take it as DF not coping and reporting to social services (not even anything close to what happened with OPs child). And in turn they were told if yo I can't cope then said child wilp be rehomed in foster care 🤬

Oh my god. That's terrible, sinister behavior

It's not sinister, though it is pretty terrible to be on the recieving end. It's a meltdown, and it's very distressing for DS as well as he hates himself for it afterwards.