DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

[N0b0dyhere]

Firstly, this truly was an accident. We are both very against physical punishments. He was extremely apologetic to DD when it happened and he feels extremely guilty. She is okay, just a bit shaken and says it stings.

DD(7) is autistic and was having a very big meltdown. During these she can become violent and she was trying to hit us with anything she could find. DH went to slap one of the objects away and accidently caught her instead, hard enough to leave the raised imprint of 3 of his fingers.

We want to get ahead of this by telling the teacher about the incident as it'll likely be seen in PE. But will it be reported? They are fully aware of DD's meltdowns and are trying to support as much as they can but just looking at the mark from an outside perspective I'd probably think the worst.

That's what occurs to me, it seems the force used would be dis proportionate to that simply needed to bat an item out of the way - if said item was hit that hard it could itself cause harm.

Full sympathy OP for the trials of bringing up an autistic child and the extra stress that takes on top of life stress, but maybe DH needs some support - in no way suggesting he is a bad guy, but we all have a breaking point, and its good to self realise that being reached.

Absolutely, I had a pupil who was a total nightmare, high functioning autistic, very high IQ, ADHD, she did not fare well in a regular school, at year 9 went to a great specialist school - bumped into her the other day, now 21, third year medical student, as she put it in her words, "I'm still a nutter, but I've got the nuts organised now" - which I thought was a fun way of putting it, she puts her success down entirely to the special school she attended.

It is 100% their business to notice it, recognise it as possible finger marks, ask her how she got it and then report it to social services. That is the required procedure in Safeguarding. Soc services will then make a decision as to what the outcome is - No further action if what you say is held to be truthful.

This thread is awful, full of handy hints from people claiming to be safeguarding leads and other parents about basically how to hide abuse.

Keeping her off to hide it is terrible advice.

Communicate with the school. If it gets escalated to social services, communicate with them too. As said, it may get her more support. You might also be able to access some training in how to safely and non-painfully restrain a child who is in that state where they cannot be reasoned with, to keep both themselves and yourselves safe. Keep working with all the professionals and most importantly document everything, communicate about everything.

Social services are not on the lookout for children to take away. And to be frank (sorry) even if they were, they wouldn't be looking for violent autistic 7 year olds. Even if you believe the ridiculous conspiracy theories, she is not a cute adoptable baby/toddler.

(Don't believe the conspiracy theories, please!) Just in practical terms alone, they don't have the budget to house every child and they have to perform a cost-benefit analysis to remove children - there's absolutely no way the massive, massive costs, both emotional cost to your DD and financial costs of finding a suitably experienced foster placement for her would be worth the very slight risk avoidance. They do a LOT with families before it ever gets to the point of removal. (In this case, as others have said, most likely they will close the case very quickly.) You don't need to be scared of social services as long as you are open to communicating honestly and working with them and taking on board their suggestions.

@Aduvetday That's not quite right. Mandated reporting is for sexual offences as far as I understood it

See wgat its like wheb sge gets to school. If its obvious you need to be honest. But be prepared for them not to believe you....

Absolutely wrong. What if the kid goes in the next day and says she wasn’t sick and that her dad hit her without any context? That would make things so much worse. Think things through. Lying is never the right answer. Nor is taking your kid out of school.

My youngest daughter is the same. They mask so much that once they reach that safe space (home) then it explodes.

Yes and if you hide one thing they'll wonder what else is being hidden

I'm with the other posters struggling to understand the mechanics of this incident.

To leave a mark on a child's skin of raised fingerprints, it would be require a completely different motion to batting something away. It would mean that the arm had been drawn back, basically. The arm wouldn't be drawn back in the same way to instinctively - even forcefully - bat something away.

Did you see the incident OP (sorry if I've missed this)? Where on the body is the mark?

Ofcourse it is their business

What a daft thing to say

I don't understand the school reporting for marks. Don't kids turn up with bruises and marks all the time from messing about, play-fights with friends, sports injuries, etc?

Teachers now have a legal obligation to report. So I agree no choice for you. The problem is that for many families, particularly those who have children with SEN. We live in fear, or I used to. Child now older.

Our SEN children don't use convenient language; they state what they see, what they saw/felt/heard. No nuance. One would hope that "authorities" might understand that but no. I am not a fan of the 1 child saved, the other 99+ reported without issue, is OK.

I do understand that @socialdilemmawhattodo - I have ND children myself and I know how horrendous meltdowns can be. I have been contacted by SS myself after taking my child to A&E with an accidental injury. I just fall on the other side of the line from you when it comes to protecting those children who really are being harmed. And as a teacher, it's really not a choice, not if you have any professional integrity.

We have a violent, autistic 7 year old and I don't know how this accident happened, TBH, OP. It's confusing. Where is the mark and how did it get to be three-fingered?

You don't let your (small) DC get to throwing objects hard enough to hurt - you have to restrain them, arms by sides, with the minimum reasonable force in a safe comfortable, quiet place (e.g. on a sofa), and keep them there until they calm down. Then, bring a favourite toy and cover the child with a heavy blanket, so they can recover.

That's it. Well done. No one is injured and nothing is broken.

Some of the replies here are, sadly, quite deluded about the likelihood of effective, useful help beyond what I've just written.

Teachers have a duty to report safeguarding concerns to their DSL and make a record.

This is different from reporting to social services, which anyone can do but it is far more likely the DSL would investigate first and make a decision/plan.

I work in education.
This will definitely need reporting, any staff who see it will report it using their concern portal which goes to the DSL. The DSL will then speak to DD and you and make a decision from there as to whether it needs reporting further.
Be honest and be a part of the consideration for reporting, there are many channels that they can refer to you that will provide lots of help and you don’t want these to be missed because it’s been reported for you trying to hide and making yourself look guilty.
Also for a lot of PP, yes lots of things are reported. Anything from injuries to not eating breakfast in the morning, it all goes to the DSL who can then notice patterns, if it was just one report of no breakfast it wouldn’t be taken further but if it was a consistent issue being reported they would start looking into it, is the child alone in the mornings and not organising their time well enough to prioritise breakfast? Are there financial issues which mean breakfast isn’t available? Is there neglect? All of which the school can support with, we have a number of students who eat breakfast at school as mum and dad work in the morning and teenagers just don’t prioritise food over sleep and then hugely regret it once they’re at school and hungry!

I'm struggling with this too.

DH went to slap one of the objects away and accidently caught her instead, hard enough to leave the raised imprint of 3 of his fingers

Slap marks on the skin fade. Even hard ones.

If she still has a mark the following day, to the point you're worried about school noticing, then it wasn't a slap.

Offer early intervention? Laughs long and hard

They don't report for every mark but they'll report what obviously looks like finger marks or hand marks as it indicates they have been hit.

You surely must agree that if a teacher notices a hand mark on a child's body that they should report it? Seems pretty obvious to me.

For those who say school will report and social services will intervene, have you got any experience with social services? I regularly make social services referrals and only one (very serious) has been taken further because the threshold is ridiculously high. Something like this wouldn't reach threshold.

Tell the school and the will have to report it to the safeguarding team and you may expect a visit from a social worker - however, this could be a good thing. They may be able to offer help, advice and support