DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

[N0b0dyhere]

Firstly, this truly was an accident. We are both very against physical punishments. He was extremely apologetic to DD when it happened and he feels extremely guilty. She is okay, just a bit shaken and says it stings.

DD(7) is autistic and was having a very big meltdown. During these she can become violent and she was trying to hit us with anything she could find. DH went to slap one of the objects away and accidently caught her instead, hard enough to leave the raised imprint of 3 of his fingers.

We want to get ahead of this by telling the teacher about the incident as it'll likely be seen in PE. But will it be reported? They are fully aware of DD's meltdowns and are trying to support as much as they can but just looking at the mark from an outside perspective I'd probably think the worst.

Did you see what happened? It doesn't sound quite right.. to be slapping at something a child is holding hard enough to leave a hand mark?

They do have bruises all the time, but first they have a plausible explanation for the marks - so you say something like that's an impressive colour and they give a story about sport that is consistent and likely and you don't report that normally.

But bruises in some areas of the body are unusual and some patterns are unusual. So you going to report those internally, especially if the story makes no sense / sounds coached. We have annual training on it. So take pp, a burn on the forehead is very unusual, so of course I tell the safeguarding lead if I see that.

They decide what to do next. They might report to the safeguarding hub. They have more training and often more information when making that decision.

Being reported doesn't mean anything gets done about it, or the action might simply be a call from social services who have even more training and decide no action is needed.

The circumstances you describe don't sound at all plausible. Dashing something out of a child's hand does not require that level of force.

Firstly don't worry, they won't ever want to take her away from you because they don't want the hassle and expense of looking after a child with ASD.
However, I would seriously question why your DH lashed out so hard? In doing so he is likely to just inflamed the situation more.
He needs some help and education in how to manage her behaviour and you should use this event as the spark to change things.

Who else feels that MN should remove this thread as it essentially gives tips to cover up abuse.

No. It is helping a mother who is at her wits end. There will be a range of answers to any post (some helpful and some less so) but if if we can't ask for advice on a parenting forum then where can we?

Advice on how to cover up injuries? The father left finger marks on his 7 year old dd, a baby still really. It disgusts me. Op has not commented on her shock or horror about her dh mishandling the situation, just how to avoid being found out. Extremely concerning.

There may have been a meltdown due to ASD or due to other things. If OP's dd has ASD she is vulnerable and deserves protection.

Hiding injuries from school is dodgy as hell.

Be honest with the school.

For everyone saying it must have been hard to leave a mark, it depends on the skin.

I constantly have bruises because I mark and bruise easily, most of the time I have no idea how I have got them, or I do know but other people would not bruise. Things like catching my leg getting out of the bath or dropping a hairbrush on my foot.

Thank you all for your advice. DD is okay and the mark has faded other than a tiny bit of redness. I doubt it would even be noticed, but we decided to explain what happened to the DSL anyway. She was very understanding and appreciated our honesty about the situation. She knows how difficult things are with DD at the moment (she frequently has to step in at school) and she has said she will chase up the SENCO to make sure the early help referral has been sent off. The incident will also be recorded on their system for safeguarding reasons.

To those of you speculating about my DH being an abuser and me trying to help cover it up, have a day off. We are far from perfect parents and he made a very stupid mistake. Believe me I was and still am horrified. But we adore our daughter and would never intentionally lay a finger on her. If he ever did I would not be coming online to post about it, he'd be under the patio.

Honesty is key. I made this post in a panic after it happened, and thought 'oh god, I'm going to lose my child'. I would never ever tell DD to keep it a secret, because I want her to know that if anyone lays a finger on her she should be able to tell somebody straight away. Trying to hide this or keeping her off of school would have only made this situation so much worse.

We are looking into groups/courses for parents of autistic children to learn how to manage her meltdowns and violence better.

You don't need to apologise.

Posters like @PumpkinPumping patently have never seen a DC with emotional regulation challenges having a meltdown. If they had, they wouldn't be so judgemental.

You are wrong @Londonwriter I just happen to think that a child who is autistic also deserves to not be hit in the heat of the moment and if it does happen that it doesn't get covered up. Many posters were uncomfortable about the finger marks and how that could have happened by deflecting an object. People normally duck or deflect, they don't lash out when something comes flying at them, I am still confused about it. A pp recommended safe restraining techniques, the dad will do well, learning these and other deescalation methods. Hearing OP say the teacher knows what Op's dd is like is also a bit 🤔. She did well reporting it to the school. I wonder what her husband is thinking about all this.

Please explain what you think the obligation of schools is. Myself and other posters have repeatedly tried to explain school procedures on this thread and are being ignored.

OP it might be helpful to get some restraint training, this will also give some strategies for deescalation. It’s empowering to know how to safely physically restrain a child in meltdown and actually sometimes being held will provide a a kind of physical reassurance that can calm children. It’s not nice to think about ‘restraint’ but it can prevent situations escalating and will ideally stop people getting hurt. I had this training working in a special school where it was invaluable, it was always a last resort but sometimes that is what it comes to. It may also be helpful if school staff get proper training as often it’s not given in mainstream which can lead to unsafe, ad hoc holds or staff being hurt - which will often lead to a difficult time in school.

Maybe I misunderstood what the DSL said. She said she was required to record it on a confidential system, but that she understood what had happened and appreciated us being upfront about the situation. If that leads to SS involvement then so be it. We will cooperate to the fullest extent. But I assumed she would be upfront about that possiblity.

Also @PumpkinPumping, yes school is fully aware of DDs behaviour. She does not mask at all really and frequently has meltdowns which can be aggressive towards others. More recently DD has been running out of the classroom and trying to get off of school grounds. This means the DSL is involved a lot and we have regular contact. There is nothing 🤔 about us having open communication with the school. We are trying to get the best help and support for our child so that she can thrive.

Like many posters, I don't understand the mechanism here, but I can see how the scenario described could lead to a legitimate accident. As @casapenguin mentions, it's really important to know safe methods of restraint because, otherwise, you could end up flailing around trying to protect yourself or a vulnerable family member, and hurting a DC in the process.

When the OP mentions the teacher saying "I know what the DD is like", this is a euphemism for "myself and other children have also been violently assaulted by DD likely leading to staff members having to be called in from other rooms to help safely restrain her."

It's not nice and no one wants to talk about it, but it does happen, and being judgy and yelling about abuse when a family is struggling just makes you look like a judgemental twerp.

It's all very well saying this BUT you are acting as though it was u Who did it. Why is HE not posting in a panic? Why you? Why are you looking for parenting course? If it was me who had done this to my child, I would be sorting it Myself, pronto

Yes, we did when I hit our son on the head with a radiator

Same here. My DS has never been totally disregulated at school.
I'm sure that the school think I'm making things up when I tell them about how he struggles at home.I'M