DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

[N0b0dyhere]

Firstly, this truly was an accident. We are both very against physical punishments. He was extremely apologetic to DD when it happened and he feels extremely guilty. She is okay, just a bit shaken and says it stings.

DD(7) is autistic and was having a very big meltdown. During these she can become violent and she was trying to hit us with anything she could find. DH went to slap one of the objects away and accidently caught her instead, hard enough to leave the raised imprint of 3 of his fingers.

We want to get ahead of this by telling the teacher about the incident as it'll likely be seen in PE. But will it be reported? They are fully aware of DD's meltdowns and are trying to support as much as they can but just looking at the mark from an outside perspective I'd probably think the worst.

Maybe it was a basketball he was slapping away? I mean, he'd have to use a bit of force for that?

I had to do the same thing OP, my nail caught my sons face - I can't even remember now how it happened (it wasn't during a meltdown, it was during a normal day to day thing but it was a few years ago so can't remember the actual thing) but it left a scrab across his cheek. I explained to the teacher at the end of the day as we don't get to see them at the start. She had already asked my son what happened.

I wasn't reported, assuming because it was an isolated incident and my sons other siblings attended the school and never had any concerns either. It was simply an accident, that's why I didn't keep him off to hide him, or worry about him explaining himself what happened, although kids can explain things in a way that can sound sinister.

Tell them. They will seek support for you from services, hopefully via things like teaching safe restraint methods. He should not be grappling with her like this.

Do you know how much force it takes to leave finger marks on someone? I’ve seen it acted out in court, it’s either a lot of force or prolonged contact.

But surely the mark will have faded by the morning? Of course, DD may bring it up, in which case the safest policy is to explain beforehand.

Never ever heard of slapping away a basketball, I played extensively and if a ball comes hard and fast you don't slap it, that's counter intuitive, you deflect or catch it.

Sorry I was being facetious and it probably wasn't the right place to be.

I agree with you.

After ironing, I always put the iron at the very back of the furthest away work surface in the kitchen. This worked very well for a number of years when DS was small, no way could he reach it. Scroll forward to DS being 10 and and he decided to touch the iron to find out how hot it actually was.

The following day I got collared in the playground by the deputy Head. Apparently he told them he burnt his arm when he was doing the ironing!

What about a black eye? Report or not?

it ought to be reported unless witnessed by others when it happened e.g. at sport practice.

Certainly worth investigating further

Yes, of course I would report a black eye. That's my job

Any serious looking injury should be reported even if the parents give a plausible ‘explanation’. If they have done nothing wrong then they have nothing to fear.

There isn't a downside to being honest. Yes they may report it but you are not abusive parents. You are parents with additional needs for support for your loved and looked after child. That's what social services are there to provide.

Say you keep her off till it fades - that looks dodgy as hell
Tell her to lie -also dodgy
Make something up as an excuse - also dodgy

Go in to school and say 'this behaviour stepped up a gear, thus happened, this is our plan for next time, you need a plan in school too'is clearly honest and caring.

I am a teacher in a special school for autistic pupils and a DSL. I work with pupils who when dysregulated can have behaviours that challenge.

Leaving a mark on your child in this way, is surprising but I understand how difficult situations can arise. It is not unusual for parents to leave a mark on their child following an incident.

I would advise you let school know what has happened so it can support your early help application.

in my city, you can also self refer to the whole life disability team, who can offer further support.

I am sure you are doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances. Extra help from social services will really help your family going forward.

Please also remember, unless it meets a very high threshold schools need your consent for a referral to social services.

I hope that helps.

DH and I both know that clearly he used excessive force, even though his intention wasn't to make contact with DD at all. There is no excuse for that. We also know that we have no idea how to handle her meltdowns as she's becoming more violent. Hence the referral for early help. We will gladly accept any support offered, even if that is Social Services being involved. My concern is it being misconstrued as DH intentionally hitting her.

In reality the actual bruises that get reported to social services are the extensive ones, and clear finger marks and this is the most crucial part - where the child says something worrying. If a child has a black eye and parent says they ran into a stair gate/hit it on a bed etc and the child says the same then it doesn’t get reported. School might log it but it doesn’t meet safeguarding threshold.

That was always going to result in a disaster - you can't swing at/within a couple of inches (or even closer if they're holding something up at the time) of a child with something near full force and expect that they'll stay there meekly for something to be knocked out of their hand.

That and it is, whether anybody likes it or not, exactly the type of explanation people give for non-accidental injuries.

Keeping her off and trying to make her keep it a secret is wrong, as it will come out. And even if the OP was right there and saw it all happen and he's 'just' a deeply stupid man who thought that he'd be able to wallop something out of her hand with absolutely no chance of things turning out as they inevitably would, it's still grounds for urgent safeguarding action.

Not necessarily. My autistic boy has severe meltdowns at home but hasn’t had a single one at school. Girls are also much more likely to mask at school.

I am an experienced DSL. I am not sure what services are available in your area, but if this was a case I was involved with, I would suggest the family self refer to the children with disabilities team and request an assessment yourself. This way, you acknowledge that your child is at risk, you will receive appropriate support and you can satisfy school that you are taking appropriate measures to safeguard your child.

I also find it hard to understand how you could leave finger marks by “batting something away”, but you clearly need support to manage this situation.

You need to tell the school without have to be asked about it.

Did he use excessive force because he was angry? If so, that's potentially why her meltdowns are escalating too.
I know - from experience - that meltdown are fucking hard to deal with, but you CANNOT deal with them in anger. He needs to learn to walk away

Is your DD clear that he didn’t mean to hit her? If it were reported or even if school ask your DD then that’s the important part.
Have you looked into your councils local SEND offer? There’s often support or even courses that can help.

Get in touch with your local branch of the National Autistic Society - they might be able to signpost you towards support in dealing with challenging behaviour