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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

212 replies

N0b0dyhere · 17/10/2024 21:14

Firstly, this truly was an accident. We are both very against physical punishments. He was extremely apologetic to DD when it happened and he feels extremely guilty. She is okay, just a bit shaken and says it stings.

DD(7) is autistic and was having a very big meltdown. During these she can become violent and she was trying to hit us with anything she could find. DH went to slap one of the objects away and accidently caught her instead, hard enough to leave the raised imprint of 3 of his fingers.

We want to get ahead of this by telling the teacher about the incident as it'll likely be seen in PE. But will it be reported? They are fully aware of DD's meltdowns and are trying to support as much as they can but just looking at the mark from an outside perspective I'd probably think the worst.

OP posts:
Youcanpayit · 17/10/2024 22:19

Apologies if I've missed it, but where on her body is the mark? If it's on her face, I'd definitely speak to school.

sunshine244 · 17/10/2024 22:20

I would drop school a brief email but also copy in the disability SS team. Reiterate that you feel you need support with behavioural management. It will hopefully bump you up the list as well as ensuring everything is transparent.

I've had support from the disability social work team and it's been really helpful. Totally different from the child protection team.

PumpkinPumping · 17/10/2024 22:22

N0b0dyhere · 17/10/2024 22:11

DH and I both know that clearly he used excessive force, even though his intention wasn't to make contact with DD at all. There is no excuse for that. We also know that we have no idea how to handle her meltdowns as she's becoming more violent. Hence the referral for early help. We will gladly accept any support offered, even if that is Social Services being involved. My concern is it being misconstrued as DH intentionally hitting her.

He hit her, the marks and pain and memory of this don't care whether he meant it or not, he mishandled the situation. Are there other dc in the picture?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/10/2024 22:23

I would keep a paper trail of some sort explaining what's happened. Even if it's a text to
Your sister or a diary or something else. So that if anything is questioned you can both explain exactly what happened and show that that was the same explanation before concerns were raised

BUT they are not going to take a child off you because of one injury.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/10/2024 22:24

I would talk to the dsl at school. Thank them for the early help and then tell them there was an awful meltdown last night and daughter got a little hurt trying to deal with it - daddy tried to swat and object away and she got hurt.
They will write that down of course but it will only help your early help referral.

Ellie56 · 17/10/2024 22:25

@N0b0dyhere Is the school applying for an EHC Needs assessment?

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 17/10/2024 22:25

Similar thing happened to me years ago. I was gently cupping my daughters chin, when all of a sudden she lurched her head to the side. I have long, natural finger nails, so this resulted in her having a scratch on her cheek. Absolute 100% accident but it was mortifying all the same. And yes, school did report (rightly so).

ThorTheDog · 17/10/2024 22:27

He must have used a lot of force to leave a mark that you thinking will still be there in the morning. He needs to get help to control himself to only use what is necessary when your child is having a meltdown. Hopefully the school do pick up on it and it can result in him changing.

Ablondiebutagoody · 17/10/2024 22:28

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 17/10/2024 22:25

Similar thing happened to me years ago. I was gently cupping my daughters chin, when all of a sudden she lurched her head to the side. I have long, natural finger nails, so this resulted in her having a scratch on her cheek. Absolute 100% accident but it was mortifying all the same. And yes, school did report (rightly so).

I'm really trying to understand this reporting thing, it's real news to me. Who did school report the scratch to?

ThatCalmHelper · 17/10/2024 22:31

I guess it depends if the teacher is likely to notice it - 23 years of teaching, seen numerous bruises on the rugby squad or the tree climbers, but never needed to report anything to anyone.

If there is a risk of someone reporting it, I would speak to the teacher or the DSL and explain the situation.

Must have been quite a thwack to leave a mark that is still visible the next day??

lovealongbath · 17/10/2024 22:32

From personal experience.

keep her off school tomorrow, back on Monday.

trust me, it will be more hassle than it’s worth.

Dramatic · 17/10/2024 22:32

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/10/2024 22:12

That was always going to result in a disaster - you can't swing at/within a couple of inches (or even closer if they're holding something up at the time) of a child with something near full force and expect that they'll stay there meekly for something to be knocked out of their hand.

That and it is, whether anybody likes it or not, exactly the type of explanation people give for non-accidental injuries.

Keeping her off and trying to make her keep it a secret is wrong, as it will come out. And even if the OP was right there and saw it all happen and he's 'just' a deeply stupid man who thought that he'd be able to wallop something out of her hand with absolutely no chance of things turning out as they inevitably would, it's still grounds for urgent safeguarding action.

I don't think people always think rationally in a split second when they think something might be very shortly lobbed at them, especially if it's something sharp or heavy. I certainly wouldn't be so quick to judge, he probably panicked.

ThatCalmHelper · 17/10/2024 22:33

Ablondiebutagoody · 17/10/2024 22:28

I'm really trying to understand this reporting thing, it's real news to me. Who did school report the scratch to?

I think it's a thing in state primaries, I've been 23 years in an independent senior with very active sports etc. if I reported every bruise spotted to the DSL I would end up on every miserable duty by way of revenge!

Not knocking caution, but it's not everywhere.

NerrSnerr · 17/10/2024 22:36

lovealongbath · 17/10/2024 22:32

From personal experience.

keep her off school tomorrow, back on Monday.

trust me, it will be more hassle than it’s worth.

And when she goes in Monday and tells someone that she didn't go to school because daddy hit her and bruised her it would be better?

You really shouldn't be encouraging children to lie- especially when it's about injuries that have been inflicted by others (intentionally or not)

sprigatito · 17/10/2024 22:37

@ThatCalmHelper I think you are right that we are more cautious in EY and primary. My experience is all in nursery and KS1 and I've worked in a lot of different settings, in all of which it would be standard to report obviously finger-shaped bruising on a child.

My son's secondary school, on the other hand, would happily send a child home shaking and bruised with blood all over his school shirt from a beating in the changing rooms, because apparently none of the teachers noticed anything amiss. Very different culture.

NerrSnerr · 17/10/2024 22:38

@ThatCalmHelper it's nothing to do with private vs state. Many state children do a load of sport- my daughter is a climber and has scratches and bruises all over her all of the time and no one has ever batted an eyelid.

The example from what you quoted was a parents fingernails scratching and obviously the OP's husband left fingermarks. Surely you'd report a bruise/ injury that looked like it had been inflicted by an adult?

Banditheelerfan · 17/10/2024 22:39

Ablondiebutagoody · 17/10/2024 22:28

I'm really trying to understand this reporting thing, it's real news to me. Who did school report the scratch to?

I think some posters are confusing ‘someone at school reporting it to the DSL and the DSL making a record and speaking to the parents’ (for example) with ‘reporting to social services’.

The latter only happens if the issue is not resolved/ongoing or the DSL is concerned by the severity or reaction of the parents etc

Stresshead84x · 17/10/2024 22:41

NerrSnerr · 17/10/2024 22:38

@ThatCalmHelper it's nothing to do with private vs state. Many state children do a load of sport- my daughter is a climber and has scratches and bruises all over her all of the time and no one has ever batted an eyelid.

The example from what you quoted was a parents fingernails scratching and obviously the OP's husband left fingermarks. Surely you'd report a bruise/ injury that looked like it had been inflicted by an adult?

My son had small cuts on his face and when his nursery asked what happened he said his dad did it with a knife- we were asked about it and obviously it wasn't- as far as I know that wasn't reported anywhere. That seems to me like something that probably should have been but I think they used their judgement, they knew us as a family and they knew all of my children.

Idontlikeyou · 17/10/2024 22:41

I left a huge fingerprint bruise on DD once, grabbing her when she fell off some play equipment- if I hadn’t got her she’d have been in a&e with something far worse.

I told nursery, HV called afterwards, that was it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/10/2024 22:42

Tbskejue · 17/10/2024 21:53

It looks like I’m going to be the first to say this; how did he manage to leave the imprint of 3 fingers on her?
I work in safeguarding and I have a child who has similar melt downs and I don’t understand how this could happen without him using far more force than was necessary. Where are the bruises?
The advice about keeping her off is stupid and if she goes into school and says my daddy hit me and I’ve been off school since then that will look even worse.
Tell them the truth and take any extra help that might come with this

This is exactly what I was thinking.

TashaTudor · 17/10/2024 22:42

I self referred to social services as I was struggling with my autistic son and they've been amazing, got us so much support, financial support, grants and all sorts so try not to worry about that

ThatCalmHelper · 17/10/2024 22:45

NerrSnerr · 17/10/2024 22:38

@ThatCalmHelper it's nothing to do with private vs state. Many state children do a load of sport- my daughter is a climber and has scratches and bruises all over her all of the time and no one has ever batted an eyelid.

The example from what you quoted was a parents fingernails scratching and obviously the OP's husband left fingermarks. Surely you'd report a bruise/ injury that looked like it had been inflicted by an adult?

A quick google shows some local authorities have much stricter protocols than others.

Yep, of course, but I've never seen such an injury, and hope not to, if a child is particularly bashed around I normally say something like "crikey, fight with a moving car!" or "what's the other guy look like" which almost always reveals a tail of woe which involves us being slaughtered yet again on the rugby pitch, or a hockey ball behaving in an unexpected way.

Invariably appear after sports matches or lunch breaks when a punch up has broken out round the back of the sports hall and a whole crowd have broken glasses and bloody shirts.

SpidersAreShitheads · 17/10/2024 22:48

N0b0dyhere · 17/10/2024 22:11

DH and I both know that clearly he used excessive force, even though his intention wasn't to make contact with DD at all. There is no excuse for that. We also know that we have no idea how to handle her meltdowns as she's becoming more violent. Hence the referral for early help. We will gladly accept any support offered, even if that is Social Services being involved. My concern is it being misconstrued as DH intentionally hitting her.

I completely understand that your DH didn't mean to hit her. I also understand exactly how difficult it is to deal with meltdowns when the child is being physical.

Lots of us have stories about how we accidentally injured one of our DC. It's a normal part of life - accidents happen. It only becomes problematic if the accident happened due to a lack of regard for safety eg/leaving hot hair straighteners out on the table where a child could touch them,

The very big difference with your situation is that you acknowledge that your DH used "excessive force". That is something very different to a run of the mill accident where a child gets clonked on the head while a parent is doing housework.

It sounds as if your DH lost control. Even though he might never raise a hand to your DD directly, if he can't keep a lid on his temper he will put her at risk.

As some others have said, I don't know how he's managed to leave a hand imprint on her - that really does suggest a lot of force was used and at extremely close proximity to your child if he's accidentally caught her.

I'm glad to see you acknowledge you need help. It may well be that a social services referral is what you need to get access to services. There are parenting courses you can go on, as well as specific courses designed to teach you how to deal with a violent child.

Worth mentioning that I speak as the parent of two autistic DC (and I'm autistic myself), one of my DC has attacked me many, many times over the years, sometimes to the point where I've required medical treatment. I really do know how hard it is so please don't think I'm waving that away. But I also know that you can't lose control of your own temper, no matter how difficult things are. An adult man hitting a child hard enough to leave a handprint is a serious matter. He may not have meant to hit her but you still acknowledge that he used excessive force so that can't happen again.

You need to make sure an EHCP has been applied for, if not, this needs to be a priority. And you need to ask for input from CAMHS/the disability team for help managing your DD's outbursts.

Is she at the right school setting? My DS was infinitely worse when he was stressed at school - when he moved into a specialist setting the violent outbursts reduced (but didn't completely go away).

Do you know what triggered her meltdown? Do you understand what she finds difficult? Meltdowns are a form of communication so getting to the heart of what she's struggling with is key to making life easier for the whole family, but especially your DD.

I'm sorry this has happened - it's really hard for all of you.

Icannoteven · 17/10/2024 22:52

You have to hit very hard to leave a mark that persists the next day. Especially one that shows individual finger marks. This was more than self defence.

Lordofthechai · 17/10/2024 23:01

This is not the point. But my child’s meltdowns almost totally disappear when he moved to a special school from mainstream. Don’t underestimate how critical the right school is and what an impact that can have at home.

Has she already got an EHCP?

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