DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

[N0b0dyhere]

Firstly, this truly was an accident. We are both very against physical punishments. He was extremely apologetic to DD when it happened and he feels extremely guilty. She is okay, just a bit shaken and says it stings.

DD(7) is autistic and was having a very big meltdown. During these she can become violent and she was trying to hit us with anything she could find. DH went to slap one of the objects away and accidently caught her instead, hard enough to leave the raised imprint of 3 of his fingers.

We want to get ahead of this by telling the teacher about the incident as it'll likely be seen in PE. But will it be reported? They are fully aware of DD's meltdowns and are trying to support as much as they can but just looking at the mark from an outside perspective I'd probably think the worst.

People expressing different viewpoints are not yelling, they are sharing their opinions respectfully.

When the OP mentions the teacher saying "I know what the DD is like", this is a euphemism for "myself and other children have also been violently assaulted by DD likely leading to staff members having to be called in from other rooms to help safely restrain her."

Absolutely. However, this child deserves protection from parents and teachers who either haven’t learned how to effectively manage her meltdowns or become frustrated in those moments. None of the people commenting on this thread can definitively say which situation applies.

Hiding the signs of physical injury inflicted by a parent is never the way to go. Thankfully the OP chose to be honest and transparent, which is in the best interest of her child. The teacher may well be frustrated, exasperated or even fed up and not like this girl much as she cause them trouble. Will these teachers go over and above to ensure safeguarding standards are upheld? I hope so.

Genuine question as I have no experience of this at all. What happens as kids who have meltdowns like this as they get older, bigger and stronger? Are they still trying to hit you with objects? Do they learn more control?

@LasagneLasagne Absolutely. His previous class teacher told me it was my anxiety causing his behaviour and I needed to be calmer around him!!!

I think they thought he was late to school because I couldn’t organise myself, not because it had taken me an hour and a half to get him into his clothes because “they don’t feel right”.

Edited for typos.

Well I suppose this really depends on the individual but the reason I learnt restraint training in a special school was because, yes, as some children get older they will continue to have violent meltdowns and hurt themselves and others. Sometimes this will mean being in a three or four person hold to safely restrain a young person. None of this nice buts it’s preferable to harm being done.

in terms of learning control, takes a lot of work with the individual on emotional regulation and managing triggers etc. It can be done though, in my school there was a boy who was notoriously difficult to calm in primary school and would be in holds frequently, for safety. By year 11 he was completely different and worlds better at avoiding meltdowns. This is essentially why schools that can support SEN/complex SEN are so important, it can take a lot of dedicated time and effort to help young people regulate their emotions.

Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, do this.

If anyone became aware she’d been intentionally kept away from school in order to conceal a parent inflicted bruise…

honestly absolutely the best policy. I really hope you get further support. You sound entirely sensible!

Things have obviously changed since my day, unless it was relevant to school, ie, DD hurt her knee so can't do PE, I would never have thought of mentioning a bump or bruise to the school. It almost sounds like guilt to be rushing to explain how a bruise happened, do teachers really examine children for bruises these days? I know children apparently don't play out as much, but bumps and bruises were really common just from children being children back in the day.

I'd tell them. Last year when DD was 5, I had to take her to school with a massive black eye. We couldn't even tell them what happened because she woke up like that - all we could think is that she fell out of bed at one point, hit her face on something and then went back to sleep.

We didn't get reported to SS, however that might have been because DD appeared to love the attention and was happily boasting about her black eye the second we got through the gates.

@Wallywobbles I wonder this as well...

It probably depends on a lot of factors, including intelligence. It's very obvious that there are a lot of learning-disabled 12+ stone adult men who are in long-term supported living arrangements because they don't really understand what's going on, have sensory challenges, and lack the tools to emotional regulate. Think of Katy Price's son.

However, as autistic adults are apparently less likely to be violent/aggressive than the population at large, I'd assume most people grow out of it. The book "The Explosive Child" (which I'd recommend to the OP) suggests it's lagging emotional skills, which are usually caught up on eventually.

Our DS7 has asynchronous development to the extreme and is dealing with being developmentally 8, 15 and 5 years old - depending on what's being measured. He also has severe sensory issues. In short, it's emotionally difficult to be him right now, but we're hoping - with help - that everything will even out and he'll get there eventually.

@PumpkinPumping there is, unfortunately, no situation where accusing someone's DH of abusing their DC as respectful expression of a different opinion. No caring teacher or loving parent could see that implication as anything except horrifying, distressing and revolting.

Because hitting your child and then depriving them of their education doesn't start to build a horrible picture at all.

Clearly doesn't understand autism 🙄

'Have a day off' 🫤 How can you be so flippant?

You said you were worried the injury she received from her Father would be seen during PE, so from that it can be deduced that the mark isn't on her hand, thus it must be on her arm (or leg).
A fully grown man shouldn't require a group or course to know that swinging full force at a 7 year old girl isn't acceptable, even if she WAS about to throw something (her behaviour didn't come out of the blue, you've said it's well established behaviour, so he can't have been taken by uncontrollable surprise, She's 7!!!). It sounds as though he lost his temper, pure and simple, and as a Mum I'd be very concerned about that.

If the school doesn't delve further into the circumstances then it's a massive failing on their part.

I have to say I'm a bit 😳 at people telling OP to keep her off school literally two days after the news came out that this was how that poor girl Sara Sharif was systematically abused and brutally murdered in the worst possible way. I really don't think it's ok to tell people to hide things from DSL/SS or to assume safeguarding is a bad thing/a drag. It's literally there to keep kids alive and safe, and if more people were on board with that, that poor girl might still be alive and safe somewhere given the amount of people who didn't think it was worth reporting what they had seen or heard. The culture in this country needs to change to one that asks questions when children are seen or heard to be hurt. We need to stop normalising it when people cover up harm that has come to children or assuming that the parent is decent when we don't know them.

Thank goodness OP has some common sense and just told the school like any normal person with nothing to hide.

👏👏👏

Wow. I’ve never been “known” to social services or had any involvement with any social services agency. But I have seen parents ordered to have no unsupervised contact with their own child due to a mark made at gymnastics. Once they investigated, it was dropped because they were 100% innocent and great parents, but SS took so damn long to interview anyone that they were under suspicion for weeks and not allowed contact with their own child with someone supervising.
Maybe jf social services did their job properly, people wouldn’t worry about marks which are innocent.

@Ivehearditbothways are you saying that an obvious slap mark, which this was, should not be investigated?

What? They were a mum and dad whose child was in my kid’s gymnastics class. The gymnastics teacher saw the fall, applied the ice pack, all the usual first aid. The school then reported the bruise the next day and social services ordered supervised contact only. The gymnastics instructor wasn’t interviewed for almost 2 weeks.

Where in that story do you get a new boyfriend from?

Investigate properly and quickly, yes.
Parents orders away from their children whilst social services don’t even conduct a simple interview for 2 weeks, no.

I don’t think they are fit for purpose.

What are you talking about? I have a new partner. What has that got to do with friends of mine?
Do you not make friends with any parents from school/kid’s club? Ever lived in a small town where everyone talks? Seriously, what are you on about?

My life, my boyfriend has bigger all to do with other parent with a child of their own. Are you unwell or something?

And my being bed bound for a year was several years ago, and I commented that on a thread where another poster claimed that her first through after being able to walk again was to go to an Oasis concert. My first thought was being able to run about with my kids again. It was past tense “I have been” as in, in the past. Not “I currently am.”
I’m actually quite capable of recovering from an illness several years ago and now going in a weekend away with a boyfriend. Is that ok with you?