DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

[N0b0dyhere]

Firstly, this truly was an accident. We are both very against physical punishments. He was extremely apologetic to DD when it happened and he feels extremely guilty. She is okay, just a bit shaken and says it stings.

DD(7) is autistic and was having a very big meltdown. During these she can become violent and she was trying to hit us with anything she could find. DH went to slap one of the objects away and accidently caught her instead, hard enough to leave the raised imprint of 3 of his fingers.

We want to get ahead of this by telling the teacher about the incident as it'll likely be seen in PE. But will it be reported? They are fully aware of DD's meltdowns and are trying to support as much as they can but just looking at the mark from an outside perspective I'd probably think the worst.

Things can happen by accident when you're being violently attacked. I slapped DS across the face once when he was having a meltdown. He'd knocked my glasses off so I couldn't see well and had then punched me in the eye which caused double vision, I just flung my arm out as I could see him pulling back to punch me again, misjudged it and slapped him. DS has no restraint, no sense of self preservation, no holding back when he has a meltdown. He will bite, kick, pull hair, try to gouge lumps out of us with his nails, headbutt, punch, slap, use anything he can get his hands on as a weapon, all the while screaming at us that he wants to kill us, that he wants to die, that we should kill him, that he hates us.

We have asked and asked for help with his meltdowns and were lent a booklet on NVR, which is bloody useless once he's tipped over into having a meltdown, is attacking us and trying to hurt himself. I've had three trips to A&E, DH has recieved multiple blows to the head, we've both been left bruised and bleeding - at one point pretty much my entire right arm was a massive bruise, as was my back. No real help, except the suggestion to call the police, the police won't come out, 999 say the two of us should be able to manage him and we need to do 'whatever it takes'.

To the person that asked what happens as they get older - they get harder to manage safely. DS has improved as he's had help with learning how to regulate his emotions through school and specialist courses, but it's not perfect and sometimes he gets overwhelmed, and then just asking him not to do something can tip him over.

He's 11 now and I can't manage him safely alone if he has a meltdown. We try to have the two of us here as much as possible. I don't know what happens if he still has meltdowns at 14, 15, 16, and we've still had no help.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair that sounds so difficult 😞 I often felt that in my special school that we had the benefit of more staff and opportunities to take a break if we needed time out - parents don’t get that and it’s so hard. I do think ‘people’ in a general way can really underestimate how aggressive children in crisis can be until they experience it themselves. I really hope you get some support 🙏🏻

I get it @EilonwyWithRedGoldHair I sympathise with both kids and parents in your situation, I realise it can be unimaginably tough.
In this case its a 7 year old girl. The OP hasn't given any explicit detail about her daughter's individual diagnosis, and how it impacts distinctly. Her daughter is attending mainstream school without one to one support, and is participating unsupported in PE. So I'm making an assumption on capacity from the information given.
It's possible the OP is in a slight state of shock. I wouldn't want to minimise it though, or justify excessive force via inapposite comparisons. She's only 7 😢

As is widely known in the actually autistic community, no such thing as 'high' and 'low' functioning - it's merely in the eyes of the observer.

What I think you're trying to say is "this child can't have the violent meltdowns as @EilonwyWithRedGoldHair is describing because they don't have a severe learning disability". Core to neurodivergence, at its very concept, is that neurodivergent DCs don't meet usual milestones in a conventional order - that's how they get to be neurodivergent.

It's wholly possible to have someone whose speech & language skills are those of a 4 year old, while their cognitive ability is that of a 12 year old, while they have the motor skills of a toddler. That DC is very likely to spend a lot of time extremely distressed and frustrated, often unable to do some things that their peers find easy, while running rings about them in other areas.

And, yes, it's entirely possible for them to be unsupported in PE and, unless they have an EHCP in place already, they may not have a 1-to-1 (yet) either. If they don't have obvious disabilities, they may even be able to limp along for a time, undiagnosed, almost compensating for their difficulties, but not quite succeeding.

This is one of the causes of 'a child in crisis', which @casapenguin is talking about.

I just wanted to give an example of what parents can face and how accidental injuries can occur, the example I have was a few years ago now so DS was 9. When I had a sleeve of bruises he was 8 and I was told to try mindfulness.

When my eldest daughter was about 2.5-3 years old, she tried jumping off the back of our sofa, as she had stripped off & was practicing for "swimming". I, without thinking, put my hands out to catch her as she jumped & she belly-flopped onto my palms, leaving 2 perfect handprints on her stomach! That was certainly an interesting conversation with pre-school!!! Luckily, they were very understanding, but she did spend most of the day showing all the staff "mommys handprints"

Could have easily hit themselves if they have these sort of melt downs. If the school think there’s anything to be concerned over, they will ask, whether you try to get ahead of it or not. I wouldn’t worry either way if you have nothing to hide.

I am sorry about the meltdowns. Someone has suggested you keep the child off sick until the mark disappears. If it is the first time such a thing has happened, that could be good advice, especially as the long investigation might cause the child a lot lot more misery than the DD can handle.

To help with the meltdowns: have you considered having a 'fat suit' (with a very round tummy part,) made her size, so that when she wants to throw things, put the suit on her. She will be unable to pick up items to throw at you, or even throw them. She may even get the message that it isn't the right thing to do.

You have to try something because unless you do, she will grow up the same.

You have a point, so long as it is the first and only time. There could be some serious damage done to the DD by the long investigation that will inevitably take place.

Tell the school, they will understand - presumably you have a relationship with their SEND teacher. Yes, they will make a note but they will also take into account your daughter has autism. Do remember she could bring it up when speaking to them at a later date, so best to advise them. I saw one comment saying, don't tell them they'll report you to social services. That's completely nonsense. For one incident they will understand, obviously if a child is coming in all the time covered in marks/bruises, then they will report (and rightly so) but as that's not the case here, better to be open and transparent as you've nothing to hide. Speaking as a mum to an autistic child who can have meltdowns too - once so badly he threw himself on the floor and cut his head on a piece of Lego... I told nursery and everything was fine. Things happen, don't beat yourself up about it.

Same as our autistic son:(

I'm not trying to say anything, I'm explicitly saying there's nothing in the OP's posts that can be referenced to justify such excessive force! Nothing whatsoever. No immediate danger to life, nor risk of serious injury - a 7 year old girl holding something she may or may not have decided to throw. The empathetic examples given from other parents all involve entirely different scenarios.

If it was genuinely an accident just keep your daughter off school. Last thing you want is social services all over you.

@Moonshiners my grandson is the same. He's not had any massive meltdowns, takes himself off to decompress. Not ideal, suits him though.

😂

This has to win the prize for most batshit advice on MN ever?

Have you ever tried to get medicine into a cat? Think of that energy when you think of a child in meltdown. Then imagine trying to get a custom made fat suit onto them and a 7 year old is significantly bigger and heavier than a cat.

I really do feel for you but am I right in understanding that you think it's ok for 1 child to die so that 99 other families are not inconvenienced? Probably not even that for most of them as the vast majority of reports never actually lead to action. Apologies if I have misunderstood.

Tell the school the truth about what happened. I've worked with students who've had limbs accidentally broken by their Dads... Them coming into school saying "My Dad broke my arm!" does require explanation. Parents accidentally injured kids. It happens. Abused kids generally have bruises that are more hidden 😔. They may have to make a note for Safeguarding but I doubt it will get taken any further.

A peculiar simile. I didn't find it difficult to get medicine into my cat. It was a few years ago now. Fat suits come in all shapes and sizes. You seem to have missed the point.

If the child is your own, you can see the signs before it is too late. Sometimes children take their cue from the alarm on the adult's face.

Children love to dress up as bees, redcurrants, blueberries, oranges. What is wrong with that? A child with a temper can be persuaded to dress up. It may even be enough to defuse the situation, turning a temper into fun.

Of course by the time the child is 9 or 10 it might be more difficult to play games, but by then you will have a fair idea of what will work.

Another way of diffusing a situation like that is a fizzy drink. It distracts the mind. It also works in teens and young adults who are bipolar.

A child that rolls around cannot pick anything up to chuck. Buy an adult bee suit and join in.

If you think that is crazy I am sorry for you.

Yes, but they’re not usually finger marks are they. If you’ve got kids or work with them, think about all those knocks they get from the sort of thing you’re talking about, and the sort of bruises and marks they’ve got from them. Then think about the number of times they’ve had actual finger-shaped bruises. More worrying isn’t it?

I wish people who didn't know anything about 'autistic' and 'very big meltdown' (literally, second paragraph of the OP original post) wouldn't keep turning up on this thread like clueless tourists.

About half of them contribute stupid advice and the other half are like "not enough posters are humiliating their own DC by describing their autistic meltdowns in nauseating detail, so I don't understand why the OP's DH wasn't inexplicably beating up a 7 year old. Its your job, other posters on this thread, to educate me."

If you don't have a DC who has 'very big autistic meltdowns', please go back and read @EilonwyWithRedGoldHair's post and decide if you have anything to contribute. You probably don't 🤔

Just to explain, autism is associated with differences in sensory processing, and some DCs can get overwhelmed very easily - literally their fight/flight reflexes trigger. This can lead to some DCs lashing out in a blind panic, as if in a fight to the death - it's not 'a temper' anymore than dogs fighting have 'a temper'.

Needless to say, if you've ever had your dog viciously attacked by another dog, offering the dogs a tasty treat doesn't work and, sure thing, bring your custom fat suit to put your dog into... I'll wait (with an ambulance on standby). In fact, if your whippet gets savaged by a bichon frise, you can always wade in mid-fight to slip the bichon into a hot dog costume, your whippet into a superman costume, and then put on an adult bee suit yourself - fun for all the family🙄

I'll unwatch this thread now, before I have an aneurysm from all the stupid.

You are one very angry person. It used to be the case that parents shouldn't be afraid to show anger, as it helps the child to justify it's own anger.

It can develop into a vicious circle, neither one knowing when to stop. Does one anger ever justify another?

Three fingers would show in PE on an upper arm if grabbed, I agree a 7yr old against a grown man is no contest. I was inclined to think that if it was a one off, it could be that the child might suffer more from investigation if reported, but obviously if it is not on an obvious place, then the OP should report it, if only to help the father understand that he cannot do that.

I don't have kids, so that's why I asked.