Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

591 replies

iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:35

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

OP posts:
MyVIsForVendetta · 17/10/2024 18:37

I would have gone.

100%

To the poor kids presentation, that is. Not the gym.

Im assuming this is a reverse….

RaininSummer · 17/10/2024 18:37

You had booked plans so I don't think you were being selfish but would you have taken him if you were free?

Sirzy · 17/10/2024 18:38

I think for a presentation event it would have been nice if you could have missed one class to take him.

Greentreesandbushes · 17/10/2024 18:39

I would have taken him

Aliceinunderland · 17/10/2024 18:39

I voted YABU because it was a presentation event. Surely in those circumstances you could miss one gym session. It seems a shame that he missed out due when at least one adult could have easily changed their plans.

DaniMontyRae · 17/10/2024 18:39

Sirzy · 17/10/2024 18:38

I think for a presentation event it would have been nice if you could have missed one class to take him.

My pt is £40 for the hour. I wouldn't waste that to cover the child's mum who decided to prioritise work over her son.

MammaGisAF · 17/10/2024 18:40

I wouldn’t have taken him because as soon as you cancel your plans once it will become the expectation.

PeloMom · 17/10/2024 18:40

Yanbu. His parents need to plan better and have back up childcare. If you cancelled your class (assuming you wanted to) you’d have been charged. Bet no one would have cared or reimbursed you.

Summerishere123 · 17/10/2024 18:40

Depends if you would lose money? If you have to pay the PT even though you aren't going then YANBU.
Otherwise I would have done it.

Fourtyfyve · 17/10/2024 18:41

Who was looking after your toddler, out of imterest?
(I voted YANBU)

Ilovecakey · 17/10/2024 18:44

Yanbu they are his parents they should take him. Of they can't cancel their plans for their own child then why should you cancel yours for someone else's child?

Inertia · 17/10/2024 18:46

Both of the parents should have booked time off work to attend an event which was important for their child .

You had plans, you had paid, and presumably you had childcare sorted for your own children.

You’re not the safety net for their parenting failures.

Original poster
iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:47

Fourtyfyve · 17/10/2024 18:41

Who was looking after your toddler, out of imterest?
(I voted YANBU)

My mum does when DH works late.

PT is a nice guy so wouldn't be surprised if he'd have let me off the money but to be honest I wouldn't have had him out of pocket for it so would still have paid regardless. Its a monthly fee but based on the amount of sessions take per week (I have a regular 3 per week) so if I don't go, I still pay the full amount for the month.

OP posts:
PrueRamsay · 17/10/2024 18:47

If it was that important, the child’s parents, at least one of them, should have ensured they would be available. They didn’t bother.

WiserOlderElf · 17/10/2024 18:48

It’s a shame neither parent could organise their work/annual leave to attend a football presentation, these sorts of things are important to kids.
YANBU to have said no as it wasn’t your responsibility, however I think as a one off I would have taken him to the presentation.

Original poster
iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:49

DH probably could / would have reimbursed me but he didn't offer to.

OP posts:
Ibloodylovetea · 17/10/2024 18:49

My feeling is that this is a matter of making sure that relationships remain congenial. Personally I'd have given up my gym session in order to do it. It was a special event, you could have missed the gym session as people more important than money. It would've been a chance to bond with SS as his father's significant other. The mother was working - good for her & felt able to reach out to you when she needed help with SS. Keeping a good relationship with you're SS's mum is important for SS's future relationship with your DP & you. You don't say, but presume she's a single mum - that's tough. YABU I'm afraid.

Original poster
iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:50

MyVIsForVendetta · 17/10/2024 18:37

I would have gone.

100%

To the poor kids presentation, that is. Not the gym.

Im assuming this is a reverse….

No not a reverse

OP posts:
Neighboursnumber1fan · 17/10/2024 18:50

If you had nothing on, I would say you were unreasonable but to have a booked paid class then fair enough

Original poster
iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:51

Ibloodylovetea · 17/10/2024 18:49

My feeling is that this is a matter of making sure that relationships remain congenial. Personally I'd have given up my gym session in order to do it. It was a special event, you could have missed the gym session as people more important than money. It would've been a chance to bond with SS as his father's significant other. The mother was working - good for her & felt able to reach out to you when she needed help with SS. Keeping a good relationship with you're SS's mum is important for SS's future relationship with your DP & you. You don't say, but presume she's a single mum - that's tough. YABU I'm afraid.

She isnt single mum no, but her partner was out yesterday evening with his own children.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 17/10/2024 18:52

Yanbu - his actual parents are selfish for not prioritising him.

Is she also accusing her partner of “only caring about his children” as he couldn’t take SS and instead went out with them?

Hatty65 · 17/10/2024 18:53

If I went three times a week to the gym, I'd have skipped one session to take DSS to a football presentation. It sounds like a one off, and something that would be important to him. You could still have made the gym another twice that week.

Yes, it's his parents responsibility, but they were both working. You prioritised your free time. I feel a bit sorry for him as he seems to be bottom of three adults lists.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 17/10/2024 18:53

Personally, I’d have taken the kid. But no of course you didn’t HAVE to.

manysausages · 17/10/2024 18:53

What does she do that meant she suddenly had to work even if it meant missing such a milestone event?

PeloMom · 17/10/2024 18:53

Summerishere123 · 17/10/2024 18:40

Depends if you would lose money? If you have to pay the PT even though you aren't going then YANBU.
Otherwise I would have done it.

No. It’s not all about money. For me personally my work outs are extremely important for my mental health- I’m a better parent and partner when I can keep my workout schedule; everyone in my family is respectful of that and would never think to ask me to skip. OP said that the 3 sessions are important to her and she has made sure they happen by organizing child care for their child.

Swipe left for the next trending thread