Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

What jobs does ex and dh have? Stuck at work is quite unusual in reality.

Would you have skipped a gym session for your own children's presentation?

I wouldn't have booked one in the first place because I'd have known about it and made sure I could go.

I would have missed the gym and taken the kiddie, because it's not his fault that his parents are useless.

Can we not blame op for someone else's poor planning and cunty blame game.

Everyone needs to stop laying it on thick about how terrible it was that no adults were at his presentation. You'd all be the first to soothe a parent who is also a teacher and misses everything at her kids school because they can't help it. You wouldn't be making cunty comments about how if they really cared they would change jobs or be a SAHM.

Its one presentation in one lifetime.

If she cancelled, she endorses the behaviour.

If she cancelled, either her or her trainer would be out of pocket.

All because innocent MUM couldn't just accept that she couldn't make it and shock horror, nor could anyone else at the last minute. MUM didn't invite dad to the presentation when she knew about it. She didn't invite stepmum. But suddenly stepmum is perfectly good to pick up son and scapegoat if she can't. Bonus points for driving a wedge between op and her dh, despite having her own house in order and being more than willing if she had notice. Op was last choice but first to blame. Go figure.

MUM didn't invite dad to the presentation when she knew about it. She didn't invite stepmum

She'd never invite me to anything. I'm only good for helping out haha.

Would you never get stuck in work? I'd have taken him, it's a one off and you attend the gym 3 times a week. The only looser here is the kid who is nobody's priority.

What jobs do the ex and your DH have? One of them should really have left work to take him. Unless the ex is a brain surgeon doing an operation which took longer than expected and your DH is a carer whose replacement failed to turn up or similar roles?

Also, I don't see why you should be blamed for not taking him while the non-parent he actually lives with was "out with his children".

Shame for the poor boy though. I would probably have gone as kids remember this sort of thing.

Clearly not...

I would have considered which matters more in time.

Chances are, missing that presentation will stay with him for a long time.

You skipping one gym session probably wouldn't be much of an issue for you even by next week.

Poor kid

This is tricky to vote on because YANBU to not take responsibility for a child that isn’t yours, you had plans so they can sort themselves out. On the other hand, I’d personally be upset if my DP made that choice in the circumstances because it suggests they don’t care about the DC.

@iamiam9 ‘spring things on him’?

Why doesn’t he know this stuff - especially as you have DSS three nights a week?

Or is she still doing all DSS’s life admin despite you having him for those three nights?

I think if it was not possible, or desirable to you then fair enough you refused.
But also I'd say the gym isn't exactly the most pressing engagement on which to do so. If it was a meal out for someone's birthday, or a show/event you'd had booked, I'd say that's a stronger excuse.
But it's done now. I'd say you could offer to take him to something as a treat to make up for it?

It's not the first time I've been asked. I have done plenty of last minute things in the past. I've been there and got the t shirt of all the "he isnt her kid how dare she do this or that, but I can't take him to school tomorrow morning can she?" over the years.

What are you talking about? I do feel sorry for the Mum who has to work, not sure where I implied OP or the mum should change jobs?

I also feel sorry for a child whose stepmum cares so little about them going to the gym is more important. Don't get with someone with children if you can't be bothered. So damaging to the kids and if she treated her children that way you'd be saying something different. Or maybe you would rather go to the gym than be at your biological children's special events. ONE presentation a year. You can go to the gym anytime.

I'd have been pissed off at missing my gym but I do think I'd have done it as a one off.

Only because I'd imagine it was really important to the 9 year old.

Fair point so I take back my previous commenr although, if I had late notice for a presentation for my own child I would of course forgo a gym class for that

Would I do the same for a SC who had no one else attending, I would hope that I would. It's the right thing to do

Yes you are being unreasonable.....the basics of this is, it wasn't to help his ex out, it was to help a child receive an award. The only person benefiting from going to this presentation was your SS. The only person's feelings hurt because they couldn't go were those of a 9 year old child who is very much part of your family and lives with you 3 nights a week. You could have missed one session and you know it.

So why didn't her partner take his kids along to watch the presentation?

I think she's taking the piss big time.

ONE presentation a year. You can go to the gym anytime

I really don't know much at all about his football or what exactly yesterday was but he seems to have quite a few of these sort of things, he's often coming home with a trophy he got at a presentation. It doesn't seem to be an annual thing, more like every few months.

@iamiam9 I don't think you should have said yes to suit the mum though. I think I'd have said yes because I'd know it was important to my SS who lived nearly half his life with me and id be happy to ultimately help him out when know one else could. It's your DHs fault he didn't no about the presentation, 9 year olds can talk, he doesn't need all info fed to him by his ex.

I feel sorry for the kid. Caught up in the petty power-plays and resentments of a bunch of adults who ought to be prioritising him.

It wouldn't have hurt you to miss one gym night, surely.

You seem to be focusing more on the ex. It's not great she left it so late to tell your dh.
But the one who has lost out is your SS in missing the awards.
I definitely think if you have 3 sessions each week, you could have missed 1 to bring him. It's not fair the late notice but your SS I think was more important than a gym session in this situation.

Maybe his dad needs to make sure he knows about this stuff then so that he can go?

You should have picked the presentation. Poor kid!!