Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

I never understand why a stepmum is expected to drop whatever she’s doing/ change her plans when the parents are unavailable.

Once again another pair of CF parents who have no respect for the stepmum’s time / choices/ plans/ life. The workout is obviously important to her and might be crucial to her well-being. Why should two CFers get to trample all over that?

@Positivenancy she wasn’t the last option. GPS could have taken him (in a taxi, etc). The parents could have contacted other parents whose kids were going as well and organized transportation with them. These things are known in advance, didn’t get sprung to last minute. And if the mom intended to take him in the first place, she should have made it clear with work and left on time.

Exactly

I think it was her partner's job to take him if it was anyone other than the parents because it was happening during her time.

I think it's one of those things where the history is also relevant. Is this the first time this has ever been asked of you, or are you frequently asked/expected to change your plans short notice?

OP works full time and has arranged childcare to allow herself to attend a (paid for) PT session. If she’d gone she would have given up her childfree time and lost out on money, all because the child’s actually parents didn’t make arrangements. YANBU

This is what I was thinking

I would have taken him
You could go to the gym anytime.

This post sums up my thoughts really. Pretty sad for the poor kid.

Despite having a full time job and a toddler of her own. Of course 🤦‍♀️

It’s a tricky one.

If it wasn’t his presentation thing and you already had plans, then I’d not think you were being selfish.

If it was his presentation and you had no plans, then I’d think you were being selfish.

It would depend on the situation and whether you could have dropped him off and slightly earlier/later and still did your thing.

It would also depend on why she was stuck at work - was she in the middle of surgery, her car broke down or just chosen to do an extra few hours.

And whether her partner was in the area or a family member who could have done it.

You weren’t incredibly selfish but as it was a special event, I would have tried to get him there.

Who was looking after him?

Yes! This used to happen to me in my job a lot. I used to perform release sterility testing for biologic medicine. These test can sometimes throw up problems and can go overtime, I can’t “just stop testing” because that leads to more problems and paperwork…and the potential to cause the loss of literally millions worth of medicine ! These are medicines that treat rare diseases so the supply is limited. Now as a mother if I knew that I NEEDED to get him to that presentation then I could try to not test that day…but that’s not always possible as we have to reach release deadlines.

Could the child's mother not have asked another parent, one of her son's friends' parents who was going to the event anyway to take her son?
If she does the kind of job that requires her to stay later at short notice (like @Positivenancy), and knowing that her child's father works evenings, she should have had a contingency plan in place. Much easier to organise in advance "just in case" rather than ringing round and expecting someone else to step up to the plate at the last minute, abandonning their own plans.

Agreed.

So what did his mum's "stuck at work" look like I wonder?

She had obviously planned to take him.

I would have taken him

She was either choosing to work over her contracted hours or failed to plan in good time.

Not your problem. You had a paid for activity and she didn't prioritise him in her time. Nor did she invite DH in good time to book it off because presumably he would have liked to see the award?

It was a class, not a PT session

@iamiam9 I think I'd need more information before I could say if YABU or YANBU.

What is ex's job?

Is this a one off type request or is this part of a pattern?

How often do you and DH have DSS?

How old is DSS?

Could you have arranged your Gym/PT session to another evening this week easily?

But if nobody is available then that’s the way it is. Sometimes they can’t be the priority. Maybe the mum needs a job that won’t cause this problem again if she wants him to always be the priority.

Would you have skipped a gym session for your own children's presentation?

Ok, not your problem their Mum had to work on, but it shows how little you think of them. I always feel bad for some children who are forced into a blended family where the other adult sees them as lesser. That's your DH's fault though, not yours. Never in a million years would I marry someone who didn't care about my children more than a gym class.

It's a presentation which they all love because it's exciting and gives them credit for their hard work, not a simple training session.

I know there are. I was just responding to the question about who was looking after the child that evening 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. Most sensible approach. Step kids are close family and I think you have to take that on board when you become a SM/SD and act accordingly.

If you can't treat his/her kids as you would your own in the practical sense, then don't get involved

She's throwing a huff because you didn't do it when she and your husband could have split the cost of a taxi for the grandparents to take the child to the presentation.

Will try and answer what I can

DHs ex works as a legal assistant in a law firm.

DSS is 9. After school he usually goes to after school club until shes home or her partner will get him if he is home. I assume he was with her parents after the school club yesterday but she didn't say, just that they couldn't take him because they don't drive when DH asked about them.

She has a habit of never informing DH of things like this so it was actually the first he'd heard of the presentation when she messaged him in the afternoon to say she'd be late from work and could he go, at which point he was already in work. It is absolutely not uncommon for her to spring things on him last minute and then make him feel bad for not being able to accommodate it.

Ss is with us 3 nights a week.