Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

Why on Earth would you get into a relationship with a person who has children, if your gym class is so much more important to you than they are?
That poor kid

You’re on the AIBU board asking if you’re BU, then when PP tell you that you are BU, you’re saying you’re not because of XY&Z
So why ask?!

Not sure that’s fair. My ExH left for the OW and I 100% know that she would put my children’s happiness above her gym session.

Yes you're selfish. Family comes first not the gym. Poor boy missing out.

Football training - OK to miss now and again
Football match - not OK to miss from a loyalty to the team POV.
Presentation - not OK to miss ever. These things matter. His own Mother or Father couldn't go and then his step Mum couldn't either. He probably feels rotten poor kid.

I’m assuming this is an unusual occurrence and she doesn’t have pseudo- emergencies cropping up left, right and centre. It wouldn’t have killed you to take the poor boy, least of all for a hobby you do multiple nights a week.
Very selfish.
So many ex wives hate the new stepmum being around their children, this one actively reaches out to you for help like she would any family.
Not good behavior on your part.

You didnt have to do it- so chose not to. So you aren't being unreasonable per se

Would you have missed your gym session if your sister had asked you to take your nephew?
Or would you have missed it to help out a friend's son?

I would think that a football presentation thingy would be important to the kid so I would have prioritised them over my gym session. But that's my judgement on the importance of the event to them, and knowing I'd cope with one less gym session.

Could one of the DC grandparents not get a taxi with him to the presentation if they cannot drive?

It seems nobody wanted to sort a solution beyond them blaming OP for their own lack of planning.

Well it would have been a nice thing to do but you didn't want to.

Maternal Gps couldn't-I'm guessing you couldn't have taken them & SS & collected later.

So back to the parents.

Neither of whom could leave work.

Any other options that weren't thought of?

It would have been nice of you to help out and go. It sound like it was more important than a standard football session for him. You go to the gym 3 times a week; that’s a lot, surely you could have missed one session.

Not your child, he has two parents. They can sort it out. Does she help with your child?! Honestly don’t know how anyone can say YABU!

I would have taken him whilst thinking both of his parents were hopeless. But them being hopeless isn't the child's fault.

I think you kind of sign up for this stuff when you become a step parent. Hence I personally would really, really avoid getting into that situation.

Presumably the other 4 nights a week, on weekends, and after the gym on those 3 nights a week. More than either of SSs parents see him, guess they aren't very maternal/paternal either.

My pt is £40 for the hour. I wouldn't waste that to cover the child's mum who decided to prioritise work over her son.

I’d guess she didn’t get much say

Maybe she should have asked her own DP, why should they try and guilt trip you when neither of his parents prioritised him.
What exactly is 'stuck at work'? Im sure she could have left if she really wanted to.

Son was at his mother's for the evening. So she was responsible for him. She was at work so he was old enough to be in on his own. OP said the request was to take him, not to stay and watch. Mum should have made an effort if it was that important, it was during her time with him and if nobody else could then she could have asked another parent who was going to pick him up or order a cab if he was old enough. On top of that it was a last minute request as she was 'stuck' at work.

They presumably could have got a cab there and back.

What was in the best interests of your SS? That’s what you should have done. It might teach her a lesson about organisation and priorities, but it also teaches him that all of the adults in his life let him down last night - his parents because of their jobs and you because of the gym. I’m afraid it’s you that comes off badly there.

Poor kid surrounded by all these unorganised, selfish people. You all need to step up. Disgusting.

At the end of the day the OP could have changed plans so a DC didn't miss out.

They chose not to, and to go to a regular gym class instead.

This wouldn't be the decision I made for my DC, DSC or even a niece nephew or friend if asked.

That’s a very big reach.

While I get the points you've made, that's not what I'm saying. At all.

Ex can be the worst mum in the world, doesn't take away from OPs actions being a step mum. I've had step children but my children haven't had a step mum so I'm not projecting. I just can't imagine behaving this way. The kids don't do the inviting so why take their mothers non invite out on them? She does at least want someone there for them. Everyone makes their own choices, DC parents included. OP made hers.

We'll agree to disagree.

That’s on his parents to consider.

OP doesn’t come off badly for not taking responsibility for something that wasn’t her responsibility.