Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

I'm not saying it because she's a woman, just be a decent human! Obviously we have different opinions of what tha is. Not arguing with you anymore. Let's move on

She said its a monthly fee, so the price wouldn't be down any money. Op would be down a session for her fee.

This! For ss sake I’d have done it, these things are so important to the child, I know technically you’re not obliged to, but I’d be feeling guilty if i didn’t. Plus missing one gym session to keep the peace is kinda worth it in this situation I think.

There was no aggression in my post.
You being nice to help out a friend's child is in no way comparable to the OPs situation as it doesn't come with all the strings/baggage/future expectations.
OP didn't stick to her own plans out of badness. She's protecting herself.
Personally I'd have taken my DSD if this situation arose in say the last three years as we have a nice relationship and we have all worked out how to do the blended thing in a civilised manner (more or less). Happy to help.
Previously to that, when relations with her mother were a nightmare and I found myself being taken advantage of, I'd have not taken anything to do with it, purely to protect myself, and not have taken too kindly to people who aren't even step parents telling me I'm the bad one in the whole mess.
HTH.

I said she had described the PT as lovely and would likely let her off, I also said, in this comment or another made earlier, that he may well have been willing to fit her in at a later date so she didn't pay for a session she didn't do and he wouldn't have missed out either! If the PT could have slotted me in another time so therefore no one would have been out of pocket I would definitely have taken my stepson to his awards ceremony because that's more important. I've been a step parent and that's what you do, you treat that child like they were your own.

No, that’s not ‘what you do’ unless it’s what you want to do.

OP didn’t want to do at a later date, she wanted to go to the session she’d booked and arranged childcare for.

Who cares about the rest of it…. You are an important person in a child’s life and you chose gym over him. You don’t get to choose how the rest of the adults show up. You only choose your behaviour. Gym can wait, you just hurt someone who probably loves you very much and looks up to you. I think you owe the child a big apology

His parents owe him a big apology for bad communication and bad planning.

That’s not her responsibility though, his parents bad planning is their responsibility . Her choice on how she shows up in his life is x

Mums always get blamed.

Why doesn't he know what his son is doing. Mum isn't his PA. If he's interested he should make the effort to keep up to date.

It seems like she should have been the one to tell work, ‘I’m sorry, my son is going a one off presentation and I have to go to it!’ I get so fed up with all these workaholics who can’t set boundaries with their work.

I would have definitely cancelled the gym but I have a child that does sports and there’s always another parent who’ll give a lift when needed. It’s really not your responsibility though.

I would have taken him to the presentation. Like it or not you're part of a blended family, and you're all going to have to count on each other for a very long time. If they were both truly stuck at work, then I would have taken him. Long time step mum here. If you're in for the long haul, make friends and don't treat the kids like outsiders. That's lose lose!

But why didn't the step father ie the partner of the parent who was supposed to be looking after the child, go?
Why were his other plans more important than the OPs

Out of the four adults, the OP was the last person who was responsible

YANBU.

You had plans, that you'd paid for.

If you'd had notice and been asked to go, would it have been nice to go? Absolutely. But you aren't responsible for SS and weren't invited til you were needed by which time you'd booked and paid for an appointment. Its not just PT's time he might have to travel for your sessions. if this was important to SS his mum should have booked time off or notified you and DH in advance to make sure you could be free.

Maybe it's just me but why are people acting like skipping a presentation for a 9 year old is the end of the world? It's obviously not that important if the dad didn't know about it and the kid didn't mention it at all??? Everyone is way overreacting.

I'm in my mid 30's and I don't remember ANY parents who went to every event, and in any case my parents skipped most of mine, as did many parents back then and no one ever gave them grief about it? In this situation, if my dad was supposed to bring me but had to work overtime and my mom had plans she paid for, she 100% would not cancel those plans to take me, and that's my own mother, not a step mom. Why are people jumping on this woman?

9yro is going to be upset, yes, but he's not going to be traumatized or lastingly affected by it. Unless his parents are habitually letting him down, it's a natural course of life to have things come up and not be able to have things always go your way. And even if, ESPECIALLY if his parents are habitually letting him down, it's got nothing to do with his step mom, who can't do any parenting without getting grief from his bio mom, apparently.