Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

For me, it would have depended on whether I wanted to have this memory with him, for when he's an adult.

If I didn't want to have a relationship with him later in his life or thought it unlikely I'd still be in his life, I think there are valid enough reasons why there are more important adults connected to him that could have changed their plans.

How are you more responsible for him than his actual parents are? 😂 No, it’s not his fault his parents let him down, but it’s not your fault either, and it’s not on you to step in.

No, you’re not unreasonable at all.

So there are 4 adults and not one of them could attend? Pretty shit for the poor child

(And yes the OP and her DH didn't know etc but it's still shit for the kid!!)

My bio dad ALWAYS stood me up... he promised the world then never came through.

I never once expected my 'step-mothers' too. It would frankly be weird if they showed up without him to do stuff with me, they aren't my parent.

Sad that both parents prioritized work over their child.

Totally YANBU. The kid's mum, his dad, and his stepdad couldn't make it, and you're the one who's getting hassle about it? Your mum should watch your DD so you can go to someone else's kid's dull-ass football presentation? Nah. You need that time and no-one else seems to think it's their problem, including the kid's parents, so why should it be yours.

Out of interest, has she called her own partner selfish and berated him for only caring about his children, given he chose to be out with his own kids last night rather than attend the presentation…?

What about dhs parents, or siblings? Also what are there jobs where they HAD to stay late?

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child.

I mean does she care about your child? Would she step in to help you? Doubt it.

Maybe reframe it as doing a nice thing for your young SS, your DH's son, rather than "helping his mum out". He's a kid, just be nice

Think is it poor communication from SS mum in this case. she would have know about event in advance if there was to be a presentation.

shame of her and dad but not you

This

The dad wasn't 'staying late' he was just at work. And OP has already said what the mums job is

The number of bitter exes tying themselves in knots to blame @iamiam9 rather than her DSS’s mother is absolutely wild! And apparently stepdad gets a free pass 🙄🙈

Maybe she didn't have a choice?

So she’d help you out with babysitting your child would she? YANBU. Are you telling me she couldn’t call around and ask another parent to take him? Pay for a taxi for her parents ( now that would have been nice for him rather than you take him? Neither of his two parents could have told work that it was a non negotiable as they had plenty of notice?

She’s off loading her guilt at letting him down on you - as is your DH. Don’t fall for it.

So none of the six adults (mum, dad, stepmum, stepdad or either grandparent) cared enough to take a child to a football presentation.

Whether you were unreasonable or not I find it desperately sad that the child missed out. Stop arguing about whose responsibility it is and make important things happen for this child.

She’s a legal assistant not a surgeon. Staying late was a choice.

Not sure why the OP is the selfish one here.. she isn't the child's parent, either of them could have arranged their lives to be able to cover this apparently important event. I suspect it actually wasn't that big a deal.
OP does the ex look after your children ever? I think she's actually got a cheek asking you rather than one of her friends. Did she ask DH, who then said to ask you, as you weren't busy? Is this in fact a DH problem?

Maybe the thread should be retitled:
’Selfish or not? Didn’t help 9YO DSS out’.

I still can’t understand how your other half had no knowledge of this event despite his son staying with you three days a week.

OP didn't have a childcare problem.

Mum didn't invite dad to the presentation did she? Didn't invite stepmum? But wants them there last minute when it suits.

She works at a law firm. She and her employer know full well if she has contracted hours for childcare that she needs to leave on the dot or, more likely, can take her laptop home. If not, its an unsuitable job. You cant just not pick your child up. And if she can't she can't be giving stepmum shit for not twisting herself in knots when she wasn't even invited to the presentation.

It's a weird time of year for a football presentation, imagine it was more of a getting a skills certificate than end of season big bash with awards.

I'm finding the whole of this thread really weird.

Had the mum said 1 month ago - 'there is presentation on X day could one of you take DS - I'm working.. you would have had time to rearrange the gym session'

You don't have to rearrange and certainly not at short notice.

Seems all the adults in his life prioritise themselves over him.

Yes I would have taken him.

As an aside, 3 gym classes a week is a lot of 'me time' if you're parent to a toddler.

i have an 8m old and 2.5 yr old.

yanbu for various reasons.

Personally I'd have got him to the football thingy. Whatever the rights and wrongs it's not his fault and you do go to the gym 3 times a week. Not a big ask really.