Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

I would have taken him because I wouldn't have wanted him to miss our. However, it's not your responsibility.

Where was SS in the evening then if not with any parent or anyone else who could take him?

For me it would depend on what the exw does for a job and what stuck at work means. And if it was so important to ds why wasn't dh already booked in to go too?

Feels a bit shit that neither of them were making much effort, if they were still together how would it have played out?

However if she's a neurosurgeon and she was elbow deep in someone's brain then I would have skipped the gym!

OK and that is important too. I still would've done it. A chance to spend time with your SS - I'd grab it with both hands, I consider my <grown up SS> & SGC mine & (when we meet at school plays, football/rugby etc etc tell my DH's ex how grateful I am that she's happy to share SGC with me as it looks unlikely that I will have my own GCs. We get on OK - she will call me to ask if I can pick them up if she has an emergency. No problem happy & privileged to spend time with them.

Precisely…

So many posters in agreement that it was very important that the lad got to to his thing, and lucky lucky@iamiam9 should be delighted that her evening plans were considered less important that everyone else's. Nice.

The OP said that the child’s grandparents were available to look after him but they don’t drive so couldn’t take him to the presentation.

For me the difference is that the OP sees her personal trainer 3 times a week but this sounds like it was a one off event. I see a personal trainer 3 times a week too and wouldn’t mind giving 1 of them up for something that was a one off. Having said that I don’t think the OP was being unreasonable because it wasn’t her responsibility, but in that situation I’d have done it.

Tricky one.

Personally, I would have taken him, as I wouldn’t have wanted him to miss out.

On the one hand both his parents were working whereas you were doing something out of choice for yourself, but on the other hand he’s not your responsibility.

Can’t help but feel a bit sorry for him though.

The woman sounds weird. Why wouldn't you care more about your own child than hers? That's how it usually works.

Well of course you didn't have to but it would have been nice. Shame that SS missed his presentation.

Grandparents could have got a taxi. Child's mother and father and GPs could have split the cost if it was an issue.

Step dad gets a free pass for not helping out then? Op should have just done it?

Did anyone take him? I think it's a shame for him to miss out on the presentation with his team, be part of the photos etc. you in your rights not to take him, but it's not what I'd have done.

I would of done but as long as they covered the cost of your PT

this poor child. lowest in the list of priorities for his mother, his father, and his stepfather. :(

So both parents prioritised work over the child and you're the one being unreasonable?

fkd up priorities those parents have.

Poor kid, not a single adult in his life made him a priority.

Why didn't they pay for the grandparents to take a taxi rather than expecting you to lose the cost of your PT session ?

I would have taken him. What's one gym session compared to a one-off presentation? It would have been a big deal for the SS.

There are these marvellous things called taxis that take people to places. As the kid's parent I'd have told the grandparents to get one and I would pay.

All these people trying to shame the mother for prioritising work over her child are obviously in the very privileged position of having a job that allows flexibility. Not every job does. And the reasons can vary from a minimum wage worker on a zero hours contract that's told they won't get any more work that week if they don't do extra time at the end of a shift, To a neurosurgeon whose patient will die if they don't stay in the operating room. And hundreds of other reasons. Sometimes people just have to work and plans can change at short notice.

Edited to respond to the post above me:

Not everywhere has taxis. If you live in the country the nearest taxi could be an hour away.

In this case…as it was an important one off…then yes I would have done it. I think deep down you know you could have been “the hero” (for want of a better term!) but you chose yourself first. Which is fine @iamiam9 but in this case, you were the last option and unfortunately it was SS who lost out.

Gym three times every week could have been skipped once, IMO.

All you saying it's his presentation evening. I would have gone.... his own parents didn't prioritise it.

His DM didn't find out about it that evening, not down to OP to fill in their gaps, they didn't cancel what they were doing. Why should she.