Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

RTFT. The child's mother views any attempts by OP to actually treat the child "the same as hers" as overstepping - in other words, there'd be a major tantrum. Yet OP's good enough to be called on as unpaid staff on what isn't even her partner's scheduled time.

"No one was out of pocket"? Guess in your eyes the PT - who'd be left without a backup client for a prime slot given the last minute character of the request - counts as "no one" in your scenario. OP's already stated he might well have let her off but she couldn't in common decency accept the sacrifice.

Pretty common to still have to pay for a missed session if you don’t give enough notice. My clients get billed if they don’t show up.

(I posted previously that OP INBU at all so definitely don’t think she should have skipped PT! But still my point stands)

I would have changed my plans for that.

Personally, I would have taken him. When you married his dad you became part of his family and as the only adult that could have taken him to something important to him that's pretty harsh.
Unfortunately regardless of anything else he'll remember that you prioritised your PT session over him and that will impact your relationship going forward.

If it was that important the mum would have got a taxi, lift, told work no, etc. ’Stuck at work’ is a vague and poor excuse if you’re then going to talk badly about someone else for not stepping in to do your job and provide the support you arrange to provide your son.
She can’t have it both ways and want you to step back on the parenting side and then expect you to cancel plans on your night to provide emergency parenting support.

She's a legal assistant in a law firm, so not a profession where life or death emergencies arise.

How come? Is his mum bad mouthing "that selfish b*tch for not giving up her paid PT appointment! 'She' only cares about her own kid not you"? Otherwise kid wouldn't KNOW would he?! 🤔
DS only needed to know that his step mum was 'busy' which could be anything including being at home with toddler.
A strong message needs to go to the dad in all of this debacle. As ever it comes down to a DH problem. He needs to step up and get his phone and email on ALL his DS's activities then he would know what's coming up that needs a parent to book ahead.
I feel for the OP stuck between abusive ExW and useless DH.

She neither wanted to nor had to.

It’s common decency not to try and dump your responsibilities off on someone else then have the audacity to whine about it because they say no.

You mean he’ll hold the person who he never expected to take him, that had no responsibility to take him, to blame over the person that actually let him down?

Maybe it will teach him that stepparents aren’t there to be dumped on. Or he’ll learn that sometimes you can’t always get what you want because life happens - the same thing a child in a nuclear family would be expected to learn in such a situation.

Personally, as a mum of a step son, your choice was selfish. The gym would be there the next day or the day after that when you can go again, but that presentation was probably a yearly or maybe a termly thing and he missed it. How would you have felt if it was your bio child?
Kids come first, step or bio child.

Exactly.
If it were that important you'd think one of his actual parents made the effort.

Well. I'm assuming if her were her BIO child she'd have made the effort to attend
Just like SS's actual parents should have done.

Well the bio parents didn't put their own child first, so why should the OP? It's not a stepparent's job to manage the parents failings Maybe if the mother had let the father and the OP know about the presentation sooner, a solution acceptable to all could have been found, but letting them know at the last minute was a dick move.

Tell that to his actual parents.

No, they don’t always come first. OP bothered to arrange childcare for her own child so she could go to the gym, something that’s important to her. It isn’t on her to drop her own plans because his parent planned poorly.

Wow, that's a harsh response. I'm glad I didn't grow up in a family like that!

Really? It wasn't just an everyday thing and I think they all let him down. Poor kid has 3 parents/sp and none if them could be bothered.

No, the kid has two parents responsible for him. He has two stepparents that aren’t (but apparently the stepfather is the only one whose plans and time are respected). One parent had arranged to take him but had to work, and the other one was unaware of the presentation but was also at work. That’s life, and it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to step in.

A kid in a nuclear wouldn’t be able to go either in such a situation.

Dad would probably actually know about the situation if they were in a nuc and work is work. She could easily gave dropped her plans to kindly take ds, she didn't! When you marry someone you don't just marry them, you take on their baggage too. She should care about ds but clearly she doesn't.

You didn't have to. But being a blended family it would have been the kind thing to do for the child.

Yes, work is work. Knowing about the plans doesn’t mean he would have been able to go, so yes, in such a situation a child in a nuclear family wouldn’t be able to go, and would be expected to understand that that’s life sometimes 🤷🏻‍♀️

She didn’t want to give up her plans, ‘easily’ or not, and why should she? (Oh, to ‘be kind’ I suppose? Funny how that’s something women in particular are always expected to aspire to be, regardless of what they want). The gym is important to her and she bothered to arrange it so she could go. That the kid’s parents failed to do the same isn’t her problem to solve.

And no, if someone marries a parent they can absolutely choose not to take on responsibility for their child. ‘Stepparent’ isn’t a legal relationship, and what role the stepparent wishes to have is entirely up to them.

The only person missing out was your SS. Personally I would have cancelled gym and taken him.

If I ever have kids then I'll probably feed them solely on organic food I grew myself in my windowbox.
Easy to say when you aren't faced with all the practical limitations and complications of a seemingly easy and worthy principle which in reality you know nothing about.

@DearestGentleReader
Hey why the aggression? You know nothing about what I've had to deal with in my family. Are you just trying to be a part of a mean hang, to make yourself feel superior.

I stand by what I say, I've done the same for a child that was a friend's. Hth

@DearestGentleReader

Oh and I actually have children who don't eat organic veg or whatever nonsense you were going on about