Before I approach head with the request

[Number14]

Hi guys,

Just looking to gather some ideas/options before approaching head.

DS just started reception at siblings’ school. Reception kids finish 20 minutes earlier than other year groups. I.e Reception at 3.pm and other years at 3.20. DS has SEN (just reviewing his draft EHCP now). Major transition/sensory issues. His class teachers/other staff have seen his melt downs during pick up time e.g throwing himself on the floor, hitting me, throwing things, running onto road! On top of this - I have to wait 20 minutes in front of the school until sibling is let out. Cannot wait at reception - very small. I also have a 3 year old to deal with. Dad is at work but on off days he picks son up and brings him home before returning for his sibling. It has started to become really unsafe because the tiniest things can set him off and he runs off! And he gets so tired waiting.

I have thought about approaching school head re either letting him stay the 20 minutes in school or letting my DD go at the same time as him. DD is year 5 and says those 20 minutes are allocated for reading/getting ready to be dismissed. 3/5 days would be this format.

Am I being unreasonable? Any other option? Would they go along with it? Do I have a compelling case?

Thanks everyone!

Can you get rains / backpack rains for your youngest
Take a little walk up the road? Have a snack?

I would be very surprised if the head agreed to either of these options but its worth trying

Can you take a scooter /ball to amuse dc in the yard? Sorry but those of us with more than 1 dc deal with such a situation most days... After school is witching hour even with NT dc.... Been doing school runs for 31 years..... I'm onto last dc in primary at last!!

YANBU to ask for a meeting to discuss options to find a way that works for everyone. Even if there's a safe space they can allow you to remain whilst you wait.

What a crap set up! Who wants to sit around for 20 mins waiting for kids, it's as though they think parents don't work!

My youngest is fine. Sits in the buggy and just gets on with it. It is My DS that is the issue. There is no compromising with him and littlest things will set him off. E.g I have to take his favourite snack everyday otherwise meltdown. Same size too. If one breaks or falls off - that is it. He will run on to street, hit everything, scream, hit me, hit sibling. I have to chase after him and little one is left in buggy waiting. Another example, will only
enter school one way and exit one way. One day we were late in the morning - refused to enter through reception. Literally on the kerbside sitting until staff opened gate to let him in because they recognised what was happening.

Re taking a walk - once we start walking, there is no way we can return. His routine cannot be disturbed otherwise cue meltdown. Screams ‘this waaayyyy’. He is big. I am 5 foot. All this happens whilst I still have to deal with the buggy/DD2.

Not making excesses but wish he would accept a walk to the shop - I would even get him whatever he wants EVERYDAY if only be would return to school for sibling.

Honestly, I would be surprised he they agreed too 😭😩😩

Being let out early/kept until everyone else has left is common practice in my DS school, there's a child in his class (year 1) who leaves 20 minutes early. My own DS is autistic and they did offer this as an option in reception however he settled in well and is doing fine so it wasn't needed.

I'd suggest just asking, they'll either agree or if not, they might have an alternative idea

I don't think it's fair on your daughter to ask if she can be collected at the same time as your son. I would ask if she can go near the front of the dismissal line though.

Could your son sit in the buggy during the waiting time instead of the three year old?

I don't think you can ask the school to keep him on, who would supervise him.
It's not fair that your dd would lose over an hour a week of education for the other idea.

Trust me, I see other kids having tantrums everyday too in playground, whilst waiting at shops etc. My own DD1 has them. My DD2 as well. My DS has meltdowns related to his disability - they are not within his control and last a long while and very unsafe behaviour. If you were present for them - you will think ‘that child clearly has SEN’ not ‘ahhhh another day another tantrum’.

Congratulations! I have soooo many years to go….and many more months of this - which is why I need a solution.

I think this is a good idea.

It is a standard reasonable adjustment for children with Sen to avoid busy transitions.

Is the issue the transition or the waiting 20 minutes?

My sentiments exactly!!! Like why??? …their view is that reception kids can’t handle the extra time. Too tired.

Is there some kind of meet in the middle option. It's takes 5-10 mins for my youngest class to all be dismissed. Her finish time is 3.15, I sometimes get there about 3.20 and still sometimes wait a couple mins, as oldest pick up is 3.25.
So be last to pick up youngest, and ask for oldest to be out first/5 mins early? That probably brings wait time down to 5-10 mins

Personally I think it’s reasonable to ask - whether it can be reasonable accommodated is really up to the school and their resources. My DH has to review these things all the time, like making sure certain young people can leave before others and go straight to their taxi or parents. A child who is eloping is a serious safety issue, I have the same issue, although fingers crossed it’s improving, but I feel you!

But if they let all out at the same time, there is always some parents saying they cant manage that either, especially if like ours, have to go to seperate buildings to collect different year groups

I don’t think you can ask to be honest. It just sounds like you’re saying ‘Can you have him back because I can’t control him for 20 mins’.

There must be loads of other parents waiting too? Don’t they all play together in the playground?

Does the school have a sensory room, OP; or a quiet space for children who need it? If so, could you ask if your DS can be in this room until their older sibling finishes school each day?

Is there an after-school club you could transition him in to?

It feels unfair to ask for your daughter to leave early...would she feel self conscious about being treated differently?

Or just an indoor space you can wsit in? Do they have a library or empty classroom you could sit in with him?

I'd definitely have the conversation with head but avoid asking for daughter to leave early.

This would not work. Here is the structure.
3pm - gates open for reception, parents to inside playground to pick up kids. 3.10 gates close - so late parents will go reception and late parents leave through reception. They are pretty spot on with timings. 1-2 minute delay/early at most.

Gates open again at 3.20 - same routine. All year groups are lined up in playground before gate is opened which is why I think if DD missing these 20 minutes is not crucial.

I have him on waiting list for ARP school but I have noticed that he is getting worse during this transition/waiting time.

This is a weird set up that must be inconvenient for many parents.

OP the problem you have is that it’s not reasonable to ask for your son to stay 20 minutes after the others have gone, but he’s the child who needs the adjustment. It’s not fair to your daughter to miss as much school time as you’d need and the school would be mad to allow that. It might sound like not much goes on at the end of the day but in reality it would be incredibly disruptive for the class and your dd.

I would ask the school what they can offer to help your son cope with this transition. There must be something that can be done to motivate your son to wait, like going to the library or something and you can ask the teacher to help prepare your son for it towards the end of the day.

Sorry if this has already been suggested but can your older child walk home from school? Or come home with another family who are walking the same way? A lot of children start to walk in Y5 but obviously it’s whether you and your older child are ready. If you walked slowly they may well catch you up?

YWNBU at all to approach the class teacher in the first place to request a 'reasonable adjustment'.
You can't expect her to keep him an extra 15mins after school each day, but asking if you can come in and spend 15mins in the empty classroom at the end of each day whilst you wait, to support his transition would not be an issue for any teacher I know.
Chat to them first.

I don't think it fair on his sister to remove her from her class every day.

Your solutions are unreasonable IMO. Either a member of staff has to stay back to supervise him for 20 minutes or the other 30ish children in your daughter's class are disrupted by her leaving early.

I used to work at a special school and it was very common for these type of arrangements to be made, especially when our local authority started tightening up on eligibility for home-school transport. We would sometimes liaise with the local mainstream schools where siblings of our pupils attended so that the best solution could be found. In my experience collecting more than five to ten minutes late was not usually agreed as it would need staff in school to supervise but most schools would agree to siblings being collected a little early as parents couldn’t be in two places at once. I wouldn’t see a problem with your daughter being collected at the same time as her brother for a maximum of two and a half terms

The playground is not accessible until gate is open for parents to collect - before gate opens kids line up there. It is not as simple as control vs not controlling him.

That's a tough one!
I would def approach school for a solution as they may have had this issue before and have a solution you haven't thought of.
Perhaps there is an indoor space you could wait in that was more contained and easier for you to manage?
One other suggestion I have is could you perhaps use a tablet to keep him occupied? I know its not ideal but needs must.