Before I approach head with the request

[Number14]

Hi guys,

Just looking to gather some ideas/options before approaching head.

DS just started reception at siblings’ school. Reception kids finish 20 minutes earlier than other year groups. I.e Reception at 3.pm and other years at 3.20. DS has SEN (just reviewing his draft EHCP now). Major transition/sensory issues. His class teachers/other staff have seen his melt downs during pick up time e.g throwing himself on the floor, hitting me, throwing things, running onto road! On top of this - I have to wait 20 minutes in front of the school until sibling is let out. Cannot wait at reception - very small. I also have a 3 year old to deal with. Dad is at work but on off days he picks son up and brings him home before returning for his sibling. It has started to become really unsafe because the tiniest things can set him off and he runs off! And he gets so tired waiting.

I have thought about approaching school head re either letting him stay the 20 minutes in school or letting my DD go at the same time as him. DD is year 5 and says those 20 minutes are allocated for reading/getting ready to be dismissed. 3/5 days would be this format.

Am I being unreasonable? Any other option? Would they go along with it? Do I have a compelling case?

Thanks everyone!

If your son really requires that level of routine and structure how does he cope in his classroom when things change?

I think you need to get some reins so he can't run off. You may be 5ft but unless you have significant disabilities you're stronger than a 4 year old.

I work in primary . Our Head would be sympathetic but you have to think about how unfair that would be for other NT child to miss the end of school. Often other lessons will be taught and changes in timetable happen. Also, your ND child is attending a mainstream school and although reasonable adjustments can be expected, ultimately you want to bring him up so that he can function in the world. I think I’d try to find a third solution where you are working towards getting him to understand that he needs to wait- the reasonable adjustment could be how and where you do that.

I wouldn't want to take DD out 20 mins early every day. The end of the day is nice together time for the class, a bit of fun after working all day, bits and pieces of last minute admin.

As PP have suggested, her walking home alone or with friends would be better. She would benefit from that rather than being disadvantaged.

It would be 1 hour across the week. The other 2 days DH is off so DS is brought home straight away avoiding the 20 minute waiting. One of us stays home with the DD2 and DS and one goes to pick up DD1. It is likely that she would miss announcements and reminders if she left early which isn’t great to be fair.

I don’t think DDs leaving would disturb other kids any more than a student putting hand up and requesting to go to toilet,
leaving then returning.

Edited to add - in this school they are required to be released to someone +16 but I could work around that. Get another mom to do it and then she can walk home. Not totally comfortable with her walking home but I get I have to compromise tbf.

I can't believe schools give different pick up and drop off times depending on year. Literally only in the UK. Just why do we overcomplicate everything??

Honestly I don’t see why this would be a problem at all you should make the request

It’s ridiculous, right? We aren’t allowed to stay outside gates waiting for it open again either but no one listens.

20 minutes is madness! My dc's school do a 5 minutes earlier finishing time for nursery and reception to help beat the crowds which I understand. But this is just so out of touch with parents needs and the needs of any little ones hanging around too.

I would definitely get in touch with the senco about this, there's no harm in asking. I'd mention it within comments for draft of EHCP as well - x struggles with transitions, waiting, needs consistent and familiar routine each day etc.

I would talk to the school and see if they can help. Our school would be helpful and try and come up with a solution. It sounds like your son is really struggling and it must be very hard. Good luck with your application to the ARP.

We had that for years till a new HT saw the light and aligned the times!

This is likely be a downside to it. I actually have no idea if DD1 would agree to it. Dad is on the way and we are going to ask her. She hates being late to school as she says everyone looks when you enter the class. Likely DD1 would not like it…will ask today and see.

But it isn’t unpaid. Teachers are contracted until 4.30 in most schools. None of my teachers would mind this. I wouldn’t have when I was in the classroom either and if they did, I would happily let that child stay in my office for 20 minutes after school to support a struggling family. I guess it depends on the type of culture you want for your school.

Thanks everyone. You are all giving me lots to think about and some have suggested good work arounds. I will defo push for maybe allowing me to wait in the reception area or another closed space. Also, will be trying the double buggy. I actually have my old one so will ask DH to bring it out. Walking home (very safe and busy area) is also another option (DH might need convincing).

@schmeler I’m unsure why you think a meeting at 3.30 is acceptable but being with a child isn’t. Genuinely interested.

I have an early pick up for my eldest in year 2 due to my youngest in year 1 having one due to SEN, school actually offered when they saw me struggling to control him outside his brothers classroom, it's a huge help to us so I would definitely ask, the waiting outside was causing him more issues than the early exit was solving!

Sorry you didn't clarify here why reins aren't the solution to this? You just need to put reins on him, for his safety, and hold tight.

I would try to avoid DD1 having to leave early - it feels very unfair to her. I think it's definitely a good idea to speak to the senco or HT about the issue and see if there are solutions they could help with.

The end of the school day is hard for all young children, but it's well-known that ND kids in particular can be explosive. It's not about whether you can 'control' him or not. It's about him being put in an unnecessarily distressing situation every day, which is exhausting for you as well.

No, I don't think staff should be asked to do extra work unpaid, but hopefully there's a solution that can be found

Do you allow screen time or will it cause more issues? I think you need to do what works and is safe.I'd put them in the doubly buggy put bluey on your phone or tablet and hopefully everything with be calm and the 20 mins will pass quickly.

No they are not! They are contracted until the end of the working day! I am a teacher and no they are not contracted to 4:30 at all. Your school might make them stay until 4:30 but they are contracted for directed time only.

Yeah in your school if working above directed time then you need to work on that not bring everyone else down to your level.

Staff meetings are part of directed time...babysitting isn't.

I know it's easier the days you're husband brings him home, however this could also be causing issues. By doing this you're telling your son he can leave early, therefore in his head it could still be a possibility by having a melt down. I would keep all days the same. Invest in a special needs harness (the hobble de hoo is great). I would also ask if you could stay on the yard after the gates have closed as a reasonable adjustment. It's a great idea also if he could sit in a buggy with his snack and maybe an iPad.

You are wrong. When DD1 was at reception it wasn’t like this and they trialed it it for a year (parents were consulted) based on the reason reception kids would be overtired until 3.20. Then people were unhappy so they reverted back. After Covid, they did it again. I do not want them to work for nothing - don’t be hyperbolic. I don’t want childcare! Which is why I was going to request the option to allow sibling to be collected early. I would defo be willing to pay a late collection fee daily. The wrap around after school care is really
expensive as you can just book short slots.

I wouldn't ask for it because it's highly unlikely that they would agree to it because soon lots of parents would ask the same thing. What you can do: find activites to occupy your son while waiting. You can bring a blanket for him to sit on and bring drawing book/lego/plus-plus/his favourite toys for him to sit down and play and have a snack.

Oh be serious. Every teacher works out of their ‘directed time.’ If in your school your staff are only ever required to work during their teaching time I would question the quality of the education you provide. When do they look at the children’s work? Or plan lessons? Or engage in relevant professional development?

My suggestion isn’t even to force the class teacher to stay with the child, if this were my school where I’m deputy head, I would stay with this child myself if that were the only option. I have over the years picked up and walked kids home to help struggling families. I think it depends on what you went into teaching for. But for me, a mum struggling with a SEN child deserves support from a school regardless of whether she’s able to pay for extra childcare.

It’s a difference of opinion, but with how hard myself and some schools work to provide support for children and families, I resent the ‘bringing down to your level’ comment.

In most schools they give the younger kids more breaks to ensure they finish at the same time. Suggesting that they stay in school for 20 minutes on their own is saying that someone has to be in there to care for them. Or else the suggestion would be can I come into school and care for them.... Schools see all kinds of ridiculous asks....from babysitting, buying clothing, feeding them by hand etc.

I see you ignored the bit where I said about asking to go into the library!