Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

[ExhaustedAbroad1]

My friend of years invited me to go on a mini break with him, it was to be my first time abroad. He has been trying to persuade me to come away for ages now.

Being an experienced traveller he offered to sort the accommodation and make all of the arrangements.

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores. It worried me a bit as I'm a light sleeper and had a crap time of it with a loudly snoring exH.

I got some ear plugs and figured they would take the edge off. They haven't. His snoring is just as bad as my exH, probably even worse tbh. Ear plugs totally useless.

I didn't sleep well the night before we came away as I was nervous about flying so I was already tired when I got here.

Night 1 I managed a broken 4 hours because of the snoring, he then jumps out of bed at 5.30am bright eyed and busy tailed to get ready for the day and puts the big light on so I get up. I was that exhausted I fell asleep twice on the way to and from an excursion.

Night 2 was much of the same. I had to ask him, gently, to try moving positions as the snoring was off the charts. Barely any sleep for me again and this morning he jollied me along and insisted we go for a massive walk first thing. I'm not a very confident person and didn't feel able to say no. That is my issue I know.

24,000 steps on my pedometer by the end of the night and I'm so tired I feel ill. I laid here for about 2 and a half hours desperately trying to fall asleep because we have to leave at 6am in the morning for our flight home. Snoring like mad again.

I eventually had the idea to put some white noise on my phone next to my ear to hopefully drown it out a bit so I could atleast get a few hours in.

It must have worked eventually because the next thing I know I'm startled awake to him standing over me, incredibly pissed off, demanding that I turn it off because it woke him up. I never spoke to him in any way shape or form like that despite keeping me up for three nights.

Off he goes back to snore sleep.

I'm just sitting here crying now.

I couldn't afford to spend out on another room or I would have done.

Was I being unreasonable here?

Bloody tell him straight, he's kept you up two nights and it's now your turn to sleep.

You are not unreasonable but you really need to stop being a push over "no I am not going for a walk you kept me up all night snoring"

YANBU I'd have been quite scared in that situation.

I agree I need to stop being such a push over. I've always lacked confidence to a certain extent but after going through DV I feel completely ill-equipped to 'have it out' with a man.

My response to him when he woke me up fuming about the white noise was to just turn it off and say nothing as I felt quite nervous actually. He has never spoken to me like that before.

I don't think he'd hurt me in a million years but to my 'healing from trauma' brain, angry men = danger 😔

Wake him up!

Wake him up now and aggressively tell him to stop snoring, then tell him your putting your white noise on again and if he even thinks about waking you up again you'll punch him in the cock.

bless you, I’ve just read your update, don’t do that then if you are uncomfortable with it, but why not wake him up and tell him how upset you are?

have you told him his snoring has been terrible?

either way put your white noise back on anyway and try to get some sleep.

Do you have ear buds or headphones? I went away with my partner for three nights last week and on the second night I listened to white noise through my ear buds as he was snoring.

I don't think he'd hurt me in a million years but to my 'healing from trauma' brain, angry men = danger

No, your reaction is normal. It's perfectly normal and healthy to be wary of a man that is acting aggressively towards you, which he was. Angry men are a danger, a huge danger.

What an absolute DH.

Put the white noise back on. Tell him you need to sleep and his snoring has meant you haven't slept for 2 nights.

F him. How entitled some people are, wtf.

BTW he's no friend if he was aggressive with you.

I have some over the ear headphones but they don't keep the sound in at all, iykwim? Being in the same room he'd still able to hear it, if I had it as loudly as would be required to drown out the snoring. He's so loud.

Oh God, that’s horrible! I can understand how vulnerable you must have felt. In bed, in a foreign country, alone in a room with this bloke and he’s being aggressive with you. You poor thing. I hope when you get home he won’t be a friend any more 😡

I don't think he would see it as him being aggressive as he wasn't shouting and swearing. It was the sort of tone you'd take with a teenager that you'd told 10 times to turn their music down. Very firm and very pissed off.

Just tell him the least he could do is let you go to sleep first get some ear plugs and over the counter sleep aid tablets. Not sure if you can get them there but kalms one a night are really good.

Perhaps you're just not well matched for vacationing.

You were nervous about flying, you're a light sleeper, you couldn't sleep despite having earplugs, you lacked confidence to verbalize your wants/needs, the excercise/exertion/lack of sleep exhausted you on a very short trip. This is just what you directly identified.

Snoring is annoying but there isn't anything he can do about it...does sound like he wasn't patient on the last night certainly...but only you know if you are fun to travel with. Perhaps don't write the friendship off but do consider if you have the same travel/vacation styles.

I'm dreading when he wakes up. At best it's going to be awkward as hell.

I don't even know what to say to him tbh. He clearly has no insight at all.

The exercise didn't exhaust me, I'm young fit and healthy, it's just the lack of sleep.

I think I'm reasonably fun to be around, atleast he must have thought so as we've been friends for years and he has been trying to persuade me to come away for most of them. I'm super easy going and went along with whatever he wanted to do.

Being a light sleeper is of course my issue and not his fault, ditto the snoring for him. It's just incredibly loud to the point it is barely muffled by ear plugs at all.

He had already invited me on another trip but there's no way I'll be sharing a room with him again.

@ExhaustedAbroad1 You need to be very clear to him when he awaken from his lovely, noisy slumber, that he must never speak to you that way ever again. You don't need to explain, but you can mention how triggering it is for you if you feel generous. You certainly don't owe him an explanation.

Then - autopilot mode for the travel home. Be a grey rock, a robot, go through the motions to get from point A to point B safely. Crawl into bed and sleep for however long you need to when you get home. Look after yourself.

Going forward, if it were me I would not continue the friendship. But you need to make that decision.

Be kind to yourself and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Nightmare OP. I think I'd have insisted I catch up on a bit of sleep in the day while he went out due to him keeping me awake.

In fairness, he probably has no idea he snores that loudly, and woke with a jolt to loud white noise.

A lot of people who snore badly have no idea, they think it’s a moderate thing while in fact they’re like a faulty chainsaw.

He didn’t have the context of “exhausted, sleep deprived and trying to drown out awful snores”, he had “roommate started playing her phone loudly in the middle of the night.”

It’s a shame your trip hasn’t gone well. It’s rotten that you’re so exhausted. Don’t let it put you off future travel, just insist on separate buildings rooms

I don't even know what to say to him tbh. He clearly has no insight at all.

'You may not realize this but you snore very loudly and I am a light sleeper. It's ruining my holiday and I really did not appreciate the way you spoke to me when my white noise (that I put on to try and block out your snoring) woke you up.

At least you have had sleep all the other nights, which I unfortunately have not.

Do you have any suggestions how we can sort this out, or should we just decide we are totally incompatible as holiday companions in the future'.

Hmmmm good friend utterly disrespects you in a domineering fashion.
I don't think you are "friends" at least from his perspective and he's a surrogate for you.
I'd end the friendship.

Record some of it on your phone and play it to him when he gets up

He could have just turned the sound off and left you sleeping. He could have booked separate rooms knowing he snores. He could have let you wake up gently each morning instead of forcing you up with light and noise. How selfish.

If anyone feels awkward in the morning it should be him.

In future make sure you have fuck it money. I would want to just calmly leave and make my way home by myself. Or have my own room in the first place.

You never know someone until you share a room with them on holiday 😅

There's a time and a place for diplomacy and tact and there's a time and a place for murder.

Don’t let this ruin your friendship. You’ll be back in your own (snore-free) bed tomorrow, which you’ll appreciate so much more. Hopefully, you’ll be able to look back on this together and laugh.

I know you’re feeling fragile, but if the way he spoke to you was out of character, he was probably just ratty because he’d been woken up. If he says anything about it, just tell him the truth, but take the edge off with humour. Something like: “It was the only way I could sleep through your effing snoring, mate. I’ve barely slept a wink the whole break”. Then laugh.

And book another break together. But in a two-bedroom Airbnb, with the living area between the bedrooms. Floor plans are your friend. When away with friends, apartments make it easier to chill together but also have your own space. Sharing a twin hotel room, even with a mate who doesn’t snore, can be a bit much. Especially if you’re a light sleeper.

Yes! Don’t push down and ignore your perfectly valid gut feelings.

He really shouldn’t have booked a twin room without checking with you first. Some women would be ok sharing a room with a man who isn’t their partner, some wouldn’t.

He sounds inconsiderate and domineering. I don’t think I could be friends with him after this and certainly would never go away with him again.