Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

[ExhaustedAbroad1]

My friend of years invited me to go on a mini break with him, it was to be my first time abroad. He has been trying to persuade me to come away for ages now.

Being an experienced traveller he offered to sort the accommodation and make all of the arrangements.

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores. It worried me a bit as I'm a light sleeper and had a crap time of it with a loudly snoring exH.

I got some ear plugs and figured they would take the edge off. They haven't. His snoring is just as bad as my exH, probably even worse tbh. Ear plugs totally useless.

I didn't sleep well the night before we came away as I was nervous about flying so I was already tired when I got here.

Night 1 I managed a broken 4 hours because of the snoring, he then jumps out of bed at 5.30am bright eyed and busy tailed to get ready for the day and puts the big light on so I get up. I was that exhausted I fell asleep twice on the way to and from an excursion.

Night 2 was much of the same. I had to ask him, gently, to try moving positions as the snoring was off the charts. Barely any sleep for me again and this morning he jollied me along and insisted we go for a massive walk first thing. I'm not a very confident person and didn't feel able to say no. That is my issue I know.

24,000 steps on my pedometer by the end of the night and I'm so tired I feel ill. I laid here for about 2 and a half hours desperately trying to fall asleep because we have to leave at 6am in the morning for our flight home. Snoring like mad again.

I eventually had the idea to put some white noise on my phone next to my ear to hopefully drown it out a bit so I could atleast get a few hours in.

It must have worked eventually because the next thing I know I'm startled awake to him standing over me, incredibly pissed off, demanding that I turn it off because it woke him up. I never spoke to him in any way shape or form like that despite keeping me up for three nights.

Off he goes back to snore sleep.

I'm just sitting here crying now.

I couldn't afford to spend out on another room or I would have done.

Was I being unreasonable here?

I've actually done the freedom program already 😕

Admittedly it was the online version and not in the group at Women's Aid. It's exactly the same program but I think you tend to get more from the group setting.

You gave away a lot of power before you even booked. Where you would go, room
arrangements - and gently, you put yourself at risk in my view.

He continued to stamp all over your boundaries and treat you badly.

You've learned much about your friend over the last few days. He is a controlling and inconsiderate bully happy to make you tired and miserable so you give him companionship and pay half the costs of the sort of break he wants to have. That's the sort of information that once you know..well, you can't unknow. All you can do is decide if this is the type of person you want as a friend.

Glad you got home safely OP... I hope you are feeling better and less tired. Many people have said that he behaved very very badly and that is not your fault. He owes you an apology.

Abusive people take advantage of other' people's trust. That is their loss.
Perhaps it can be looked on as more of a learning curve. Yes it would be good to work on this so that you feel stronger but don't forget that You kept calm, you dealt with it and got home safely without further distress. You are stronger than you realise.

He actually paid for the vast majority of things during the trip. He wouldn't hear of it when I offered to buy dinner and/or other bits, adamant that he wanted to treat me after what had been a difficult couple of years on my end.

In the almost 11 years we've known one another we've never had so much as a crossed word, though admittedly holidaying with somebody is a different dynamic, especially if you're in one another's pockets sharing a room.

As a person he's the furthest thing from confrontational and/or argumentative and I've never, ever heard him raise his voice or get shirty with anyone. Ever.

If there was any inkling of him being dangerous or a violent person I would never gone away with him, he really isn't like that.

Whilst sharing a room turned out to be a bad idea at no point was I worried about my safety or anything like that. I get nervous around men who are angry but that's my trauma and nothing he has ever done. I trust him completely as a person. He's not a bad person at all he's actually been a really solid friend over the years, and he says the same about me. We've supported one another through some pretty major life events, ill health, surgery, relationship breakdowns etc.

It was completely out of character being that way toward me and I think that's why I was so taken aback and upset, because I would never have expected him to speak to me with anything but kindness, because he has never been anything but that.

I'm feeling quite sad about how it ended because despite me being permanently knackered we did have such a lovely time doing the things we went to do and I'm sure he'll be feeling the same as me 😔

He was probably not acting himself as he’d been woken up and reacted badly. Doesn’t mean he is an aggressive person generally. I think it will be important that you explain just how bad his snoring was and how this impacted you. As he was rather dismissive (I can’t do anything about it) and maybe isn’t aware (otherwise he shouldn’t have booked a twin room). He also needs to know the reaction to being woken up made you really uncomfortable and quite upset. It’s more the hypocrisy and lack of empathy which is the part he can reflect on. And yes, maybe he should seek help for possible sleep apnoea if it’s that bad and no, he should never expect anyone to share a room with him again.

@ExhaustedAbroad1 It was completely out of character being that way toward me and I think that's why I was so taken aback and upset, because I would never have expected him to speak to me with anything but kindness, because he has never been anything but that.

Maybe if you can actually have the conversation, you’ll feel better. I agree his behaviour could be seen in two different ways and yes maybe it’s possible that he’s the kind friend you know him as. There is probably more work you can do on boundaries and assertiveness. It’s such a long trek. Either way I hope you can find a resolution so you don’t have to feel sad about this incident any more.

I get nervous around men who are angry but that's my trauma and nothing he has ever done.

@ExhaustedAbroad1 You're still not listening to what people are telling you! It is normal, and a good thing, to be afraid of angry men. Because they can be dangerous.
Don't think it's a you problem and something you must train yourself out of.
You're still making excuses for him and telling us what a good person he is. Yet he didn't allow you to make choices and frankly bullied you. There was absolutely no need for him to stand over you and speak to you angrily, then shut you down when you tried to talk about it. Can't you see that?

I think you do get more out of the in person programme - I was challenged a lot about things I had considered ‘good’ things which in hindsight were v calculating and to his benefit and my detriment

I had not realised how easily he had utilised the grooming I had been put through by former men in combination with his ‘good guy’ persona to manipulate me so thoroughly back to the harmful beliefs that any abuse was either imagined or my own fault

I don’t know if the online programme would give the same opportunities for others to point out abuse tactics they recognised or self-blaming ingrained by abusers

If we had been in a group together I’d’ve been asking you if this good, safe, kind never-a-raised-voice man was always like this - even when challenged - or was he like this only when you were compliant, pliable, agreeable and going along with how he preferred and things he wanted to do

On holiday it was all fine and dandy while he was paying for everything (how would you dare complain - that would make you look selfish and ungrateful - so you didn’t did you?)

When you asked him to change position he did - but you had to ask more than once, he didn’t listen the first or even second times, you weren’t getting any sleep and yet he didn’t suggest any other solutions or enquire about how rested you felt, or if you were still ok to do the trips (that he had planned)

And when you tried to solve it yourself (without consulting him or considering what he preferred) then his reaction was angry and authoritarian - both in the moment and afterwards when he silenced you

you strayed from his carefully constructed path for you and were firmly put back on it when he noticed

^ all of the above stuff is the querying and challenging needed to think about how we interact with others and them with us and is essential when we have been abused (esp if v young the first time) because we may have received so much grooming that it becomes difficult to think of it as anything other than ‘normal’

and it is v v usual to get out of abuse one relationship at a time as we improve our self-esteem and abuser-radar moving from worst, to slightly less bad, to closer to normal, to actually respectful and loving

if you can find an in-person group give it a go, if not, at least look afresh at how people interact - are they open and listening and caring and reciprocal?

Great post 👏

I agree that's a great post DaisysChains and it's given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

You’re welcome @ExhaustedAbroad1

I’m only going from your posts and my own experience, which is of course going to be on alert for abusive tactics (esp as ex has groomed others to continue his abuse for him)

reflecting on everything you know as the person going through your own situation and leaving a space open for different viewpoints as you’ve done by posting here is a healthy thing I think

we get caught up with protecting the man’s reputation/image and I’m sure partly that’s because we really really want them to be ‘one of the good guys’ and not just the same as all the other abusers who manipulated us

this holiday was very horrible for you

consider that plus all the responses on thread, plus more data from the rest of your relationship history, plus whatever his behaviour is like now/in future if you continue to be in touch

each thing will shine a light from a different angle to help you see more clearly

then you choose your own path 💐

He paid for everything? Another example of exerting his power. It’s not the behaviour of someone in an equal relationship. He’s dominating you.

Hi. Veteran traveller. Earplugs - wax ones. Then sleep headphones on too playing white noise

You are completely missing the issue here, it’s not simply an issue of noise control.

Agreed!

He knew he snored badly but still booked a room to share? And then had the cheek to get angry with you?
Im sorry you have trauma OP because you definitely didn’t deserve how he treated you and he needed to be told he’s being a selfish unreasonable bastard.

Take care 💐💜

Hi op,

I am so sorry this is happening. Please take some rest and reassess tomorrow. If he is your friend, he will listen you out…just maybe wait to see him next time. Then over a coffee tell him what you told us.

You are safe. He is a friend even if grumpy. You are going home soon. Hang on.

Good luck 🌺

I think your slept through the fact he booked twin beds thus sharing the same room, as soon as I read that I thought this would raise a few issues. He's obviously an A hole as well, some people, yes men and women have no social awareness around their behaviours. I was always taught 'put yourself in someone else's shoes' and see their perspective. Your friend hasn't got a clue.....and probably never well. He'll probably thinks it's been an amazing holiday and ask you again..

This is bad advice. You don’t know he’s safe, and he is not a real friend. As others have said, he’s been grooming you. The Freedom Programme is the way forward as I and others have suggested.

Jesus Christ! He sounds like a selfish,over-entitled man.

I used to think I was an optimistic, positive person that trusts other people ( why wouldn’t I?) I realised my inability to notice the signals other people could see. I was missing the radar antenna due to my abusive childhood,

What feels like an open nature can be an inability to protect yourself fully. Not looking at ulterior motives is a classic sign of this. It wouldn’t occur to me either so I am not blaming you, but why is he paying for everything? I am not suggesting it is romantic based but what is he buying? Why the investment? Does he like to call the shots?

To me this sounds cynical but I realise no one pays for stuff without reason.

I think he treated you badly, and you were more vulnerable than you realise. In a hotel room, thousands of miles from home. Without the resources to go elsewhere and a support network. I am glad you are home safeky, but honestly please look after yourself. This could have had a different ending. As you can probably see in hindsight.

Agreed. The description of this man’s behaviour is giving some of us the shivers. OP and clearly some of the PPs are oblivious to these warning signs. Hopefully they can be learned.

Gosh, thank you so much for your invaluable insight. Life changing 🙄