Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

[ExhaustedAbroad1]

My friend of years invited me to go on a mini break with him, it was to be my first time abroad. He has been trying to persuade me to come away for ages now.

Being an experienced traveller he offered to sort the accommodation and make all of the arrangements.

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores. It worried me a bit as I'm a light sleeper and had a crap time of it with a loudly snoring exH.

I got some ear plugs and figured they would take the edge off. They haven't. His snoring is just as bad as my exH, probably even worse tbh. Ear plugs totally useless.

I didn't sleep well the night before we came away as I was nervous about flying so I was already tired when I got here.

Night 1 I managed a broken 4 hours because of the snoring, he then jumps out of bed at 5.30am bright eyed and busy tailed to get ready for the day and puts the big light on so I get up. I was that exhausted I fell asleep twice on the way to and from an excursion.

Night 2 was much of the same. I had to ask him, gently, to try moving positions as the snoring was off the charts. Barely any sleep for me again and this morning he jollied me along and insisted we go for a massive walk first thing. I'm not a very confident person and didn't feel able to say no. That is my issue I know.

24,000 steps on my pedometer by the end of the night and I'm so tired I feel ill. I laid here for about 2 and a half hours desperately trying to fall asleep because we have to leave at 6am in the morning for our flight home. Snoring like mad again.

I eventually had the idea to put some white noise on my phone next to my ear to hopefully drown it out a bit so I could atleast get a few hours in.

It must have worked eventually because the next thing I know I'm startled awake to him standing over me, incredibly pissed off, demanding that I turn it off because it woke him up. I never spoke to him in any way shape or form like that despite keeping me up for three nights.

Off he goes back to snore sleep.

I'm just sitting here crying now.

I couldn't afford to spend out on another room or I would have done.

Was I being unreasonable here?

I shared a room with my mum on holiday once. After a couple of hours of her snoring I went down to reception, stuck another room on my credit card and slept separately for the rest of the week. If you have to share a room like that it's no kind of a holiday. It's not a matter of people pleasing and putting up with it and if he was miffed at you switching rooms then fuck him, it's about your sleep not his ego. It's too later now and you say you can't afford another room but in future if you can't afford your own room then don't go. It's one thing to never have gone abroad and to appoint him as your expert in charge, but much better to dispense with casting yourself as naive and incapable and instead assume you can manage to book a holiday and make your own choices. There's never been more info and help online and to suffer this because you've given him all the power is needless. Next time, assert your basic needs and don't spend a penny if it's gonna be hell.

I'm old fashioned as I would never share a room with a man that wasn't a family member. How do you relax in the loo, or get changed, or just have some time to yourself?

Advice to OP - get own room next time. Sleep problem - solved. Early morning escapades - just don't answer the door.

What a selfish prick booking a twin room when he snores! I’d be asking him for a refund of my half of the room. Twat

What an arsehole ! I struggle to share a hotel room with my husband due to snoring so now tend to stick to two bed appartments. Record him and tell him never to speak to you like that again - I know how utterly exhausted you must be , on our honeymoon I slept upright on a sofa in reception on a couple of evenings !

If you were my daughter I would be concerned. This man is your friend, I should imagine has knowledge of the DV, this is your first trip abroad, and it’s all about him.
He is not your friend, OP.
I can guarantee you that.
He should not have booked a twin room you should have your own room. It’s actually highly inappropriate.
Next time get your own room and go with a different friend.
I am shocked at the way he’s treated you, he’s an arsehole.

Glad you're going home, imagine if you were there for a week!!

You'll sleep so well tonight being back in your own bed. Never go on holiday with him again!

This doesn't help you now but after the first night of snoring hell the two of you should have both paid half towards another room so you could sleep in separate rooms. Really he should pay the full amount for the extra room and fuck off and snore in there, if he had any decency.

I am a firm believer that the one who makes the antisocial noise sorts it out. Irrelevant that he supposedly cant help it. He knew he snores. Did he bring a mouth guard, nasal strips, provide earplugs for you? No. Selfish git.

He didn’t consider you or your past when he booked the room or even ask 🚩

He knew his snoring was a problem but he went ahead anyway only mentioning when it was a done deal and too late 🚩

Your safety and sleep mean nothing to him 🚩

my own experience of an ex deliberately depriving me of sleep and ensuring complete exhaustion from physical activity has me very very concerned for you and I can only hope that you get home safe and sound today and never have to spend time alone with him again certainly not now when you are at point of collapsing into a deep sleep

I agree with @WiddlinDiddlin he is a ‘type’ and not a nice one

he is not safe for you to be around even if the ‘worst’ he is doing is ignoring your needs to further his wants with no overt ‘abuse’ happening : both in ‘’ because for someone who has experienced abuse you may feel it is not the same or bad enough to be described as abuse

but every abuse ever starts from the point of “ignoring your needs to further his wants“

get home and get rid and do not agree on a trip away with him again

personally I would consider never seeing him again at all until or unless you are recovered enough to be 100% confident in asserting your needs - over his needs even never mind his wants

I hope you can get home and lock your door and have a good long restorative sleep 💐

Not in a million years would I travel (overseas?) and share a bedroom with a man I wasn't already sleeping with. It sounds like you have trouble identifying and setting safe boundaries with men. Please get home safely and distance yourself from this person.

I entirely agree with this. No blame towards you at all, but this man seems abusive also. This is not a friendship. I wish you all the best.

I also agree- I don't think he is a "friend" at all.

1. He booked a twin room without checking with you first (prsumably knowing your history?)
2. The snoring he cant help obviously but insisting you get up and waking you up at 5.30 am is selfish beyond belief
3. He hasnt tried to help you in any way to get a good night sleep despite you being exhausted- he doesnt care
4. He is insistent and bossy about going for long walks when you dont want to- he isnt even listening to you
5. The ONE fcking time you tried to actually sleep he had a massive go at you

What kind of BS "friend" is that? If I had kept someone awake all night I'd at least apologise (whilst knowing I couldnt help it) and would have let you rest to make up for it or suggested ways to mitigate it.

He's a shit selfish friend and I'd be ending it. You dont need people like this in your life. None of us are perfect but he isnt even listening to you which is a basic standard for friendship in my eyes. I promise you that not all friends are like this - you deserve better "friends" than this garbage example.

He's not much of a friend is he?

He's overridden your wants and needs at every single point. He's pushy about you going on holiday in the first place and he's booked a twin room without even checking if you were ok with it, then he couldn't give less of a fuck about your feelings. You have to creep around him while he does what he wants.

Him waking you up to tell you off is pretty unsettling behaviour - you're not overreacting to be upset by that. Waking up to find a man standing over you, with your history, must have been scary. You're in a vulnerable position - i would be rethinking the friendship and i would certainly never share a room with him again.

Basically he's a selfish arsehole.

Awful awful man.

Why is his sleep more important than yours?

And he booked a twin room - you didn't agree this? You said you couldn't afford a single?

I would not make a scene with him now but I would just not be responsive to any messages or phone calls beyond the perfunctory.

He's not a friend.

If you didn't mention the snoring to him then he had no idea it was affecting you unfortunately. So all he heard was noise that you had put on. You need to be clearer about your needs and things impacting you

This speaks volumes. If this is his response, then I agree with pp: he isn’t your friend, he’s a selfish arse.

I’m sorry this was your holiday and I hope you have some nice things to look forward to when you get home

I voted that you're being unreasonable, because you're being so wet and passive.

Don't allow anyone to walk all over you like this ever again.

Cut this selfish non friend out of your life, he's a prick.

My husband snores like a freight train and I always make sure we have an 'escape room' when we go on holiday (e.g. book a family room with a little side room or airbnb with a sofa bed / 2 rooms). There is not much you can do now about the room arrangement unless he / you can come up with some cash to book a second room. To save your sanity / friendship, you can perhaps stay in the hotel during the day to catch up on some much needed sleep while he goes out?
People who snore often don't know the impact they have on others, if he's been a long term good friend, try let it go and be mindful of holiday arrangement if you are to go with him again.

He's a selfish fucking twat. He KNOWS his snoring is keeping you awake, and instead of accepting that you need white noise to fall asleep through HIS noise, he wakes you up to preserve his own fucking sleep!

OP, I am a snorer and know it keeps people awake, so for that reason would never book a twin room and expect someone to put up with it, and on the occasions friends have opted to share a room with me (knowing that I snore), I wait until they're asleep before I go to sleep and would never ever dream of waking them up once they're asleep.

Your "friend" is a complete fucking knobhead.

OP you sound lovely but vulnerable and it’s great and encouraging that you were able to be assertive with him. He sounds obnoxious. Please rethink being friends with this man and if you do stay friends, don’t go away with him again as it is all on his terms which does not say anything good about him. I had a similar experience with a male friend and it was the end of our friendship. I hope you have a safe journey home.

He may NOT want to discuss but you do. Your feelings are validated and don't need aproval from anyone to have.

Express your feelings in a calm and firm way. e.g. "I felt scared when you shouted at me and uncomfortable." "I cannot sleep due loud snoring and have to have white noise." If I known about snoring and sharing a room I would have requested seperate rooms."

You've done nothing, express your feelings.

Wake him and demand he stop snoring as you can't fucking sleep

This man is a horrible selfish idiot. No reasonable human just switches the light on to wake someone else up, books them to share the same room without warning them about snoring and being open to eg white noise, nor is rude to someone who is clearly exhausted. I doubt if you think about his behaviour more widely you will think he's a great friend - selfish people are usually selfish in other ways and it is likely you haven't noticed or have just let it go. If you genuinely find him a good friend and this is a one off I'd just not go away with him again. If you realise he actually is selfish more widely I'd ditch him. No need to tell him if you feel uncomfortable about it but really it would be good for him to realise the impact of his behaviour.

OP, without downplaying for one moment his appalling, aggressive behaviour, I think you need to take some responsibility for this — you went on a holiday you don’t appear to have wanted to go on, you let someone else choose the destination, the twin accommodation, and (presumably?) excursions, and treat you badly as regards the snoring, and while I absolutely understand why after a DV relationship, you find male anger so triggering, I think you need to work on your self-esteem and boundaries. Even if he hadn’t been a snorer, sharing a room should have been discussed.

So sorry, OP. My DH has a sleep apnea and his snoring is horrendously loud to the point where we've slept separately for the past number of years as it's that bad. Your "friend's" snoring sounds like this so I'm not surprised you couldn't get a wink of sleep.

Tell him straight you thought he treated you horribly and unfairly waking you up at 5.30am and in the night. He needs to know. Sending you hugs and a good night's sleep tonight. At least you're in your own bed soon.❤️