Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

[ExhaustedAbroad1]

My friend of years invited me to go on a mini break with him, it was to be my first time abroad. He has been trying to persuade me to come away for ages now.

Being an experienced traveller he offered to sort the accommodation and make all of the arrangements.

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores. It worried me a bit as I'm a light sleeper and had a crap time of it with a loudly snoring exH.

I got some ear plugs and figured they would take the edge off. They haven't. His snoring is just as bad as my exH, probably even worse tbh. Ear plugs totally useless.

I didn't sleep well the night before we came away as I was nervous about flying so I was already tired when I got here.

Night 1 I managed a broken 4 hours because of the snoring, he then jumps out of bed at 5.30am bright eyed and busy tailed to get ready for the day and puts the big light on so I get up. I was that exhausted I fell asleep twice on the way to and from an excursion.

Night 2 was much of the same. I had to ask him, gently, to try moving positions as the snoring was off the charts. Barely any sleep for me again and this morning he jollied me along and insisted we go for a massive walk first thing. I'm not a very confident person and didn't feel able to say no. That is my issue I know.

24,000 steps on my pedometer by the end of the night and I'm so tired I feel ill. I laid here for about 2 and a half hours desperately trying to fall asleep because we have to leave at 6am in the morning for our flight home. Snoring like mad again.

I eventually had the idea to put some white noise on my phone next to my ear to hopefully drown it out a bit so I could atleast get a few hours in.

It must have worked eventually because the next thing I know I'm startled awake to him standing over me, incredibly pissed off, demanding that I turn it off because it woke him up. I never spoke to him in any way shape or form like that despite keeping me up for three nights.

Off he goes back to snore sleep.

I'm just sitting here crying now.

I couldn't afford to spend out on another room or I would have done.

Was I being unreasonable here?

I don’t think you should be spending time alone with any man a friend or otherwise, until you’ve had some help identifying the signs of abusive men OP ♥️
For example, the first red flag was the twin room - an understanding gentleman would know a woman may not feel safe or comfortable sleeping in a room with him and sharing a bathroom/ getting dressed etc.
He is a steam roller.

There are very few people I would share a room with, ever. Never a platonic male friend. I wouldn't want to share a bathroom with him either. Even if they want to save money/have late night chats/think their snoring isn't too bad - just no. Tell him his snoring spoiled your trip and if you go away then separate rooms are non-negotiable. Even if they don't snore then I'd want it just for some time out, privacy for bathroom, down time alone to recharge for the evening etc.

You were being unreasonable in not telling him about the problem and trying to work something out together.

@strawberrysilk
So he was cheeky not being upfront about it but they probably both got a cheaper trip.

OP now knows she can't share a room with a snorer so that if a trip suggestion comes up again, she can ask her fellow traveller/s and sort out accommodation accordingly. She's learnt something.

Look, I am not saying it's great but OP seems to be catastrophising this, and others are saying 'dump him as a friend' - which is ridiculous. He's the only friend to recognise that OP is not well travelled and done something about it. As this is her first trip abroad, maybe he thought, if we share a room, she'll feel less anxious.

I have a group of friends and we travel occasionally - 1 person is a horrendous snorer - no one will share with her, she has to get her own room. Everyone knows this after our first trip away together, where the person she shared with got no sleep and they were a bit ratty with one another in the morning. We didn't exclude her from future trips, she's still our friend.

A bit of perspective people!

At least you know if you go away again that you need a separate room, and possibly not to stretch your funds so much that you can't afford one if you need it.

He can't help snoring, you knew in advance so that was the time to suggest two rooms. Have you done the freedom programme? It might help your confidence

@MeridianB
Completely disagree. Read my post above.

Sure, but he’s not on here asking if he’s being unreasonable, the OP is. All she can change is her own behaviour. If she is so sleep-deprived she feels sick, she should say ‘Off you go on your excursion, I’m staying in bed to catch up on sleep. See you later’. That way his failure to warn her he snores, or his cheapness about booking two rooms, has consequences for him as well as her.

Exactly!

I understand that there are reasons why OP didn't bring it up earlier. However, in my experience, people who snore really don't know how badly they do it. If OP didn't bring it up, it's reasonable that he didn't know that it was affecting her.

If I was woken up by my room mate's loud phone noises in the middle of the night I would be pretty short with them, too!

I agree with this! He sounds selfish and unpleasant. He might be nice company in small doses but he's definitely not a holiday friend.

My husband snores and we sleep apart now. Holidays are hard because we don't always have space to sleep apart. He has the kind of snoring you can not only hear but FEEL through the floorboards. Unless you have experienced it you won't understand!

You are friends for years, why couldn't you just talk to him?

Or during the day 'I'm wrecked, I'm going back for a sleep'.

Lesson learned - don't room share.
Lesson #2 - speak up!

Just because he is a man doesn't mean he isn't allowed to express emotion. Given the circumstances, I think I might be a lot less restrained, in his shoes.

I’m another one who is surprised at the room share situation. Sharing a room with anyone at all requires a deep trust in the other person that you are safe with them while you are vulnerable (ie asleep.) There are only 2 men I would share a room with on a holiday - my husband, and at a push my brother (although I would do my best to book separate rooms if I had a choice there!) Even among my female friends, the answer would probably be a no, with the exception of a very small number of close friends.

I’ve just managed to resolve a complicated situation where one friend wanted to share with me, but I didn’t want to share with her. I had to rather delicately tell her I did not wish to share a room with anyone on this particular trip, not just her as I have happily shared with her in the past, but we will be doing some activities that will require a lot of energy and she is a snorer too, and it could well be cold and rainy while we are outside so I wanted my own bathroom to come back to at the end of the day, not to have to share it and have someone left waiting. It was a bit fraught, but it’s so much better to get the debate out of the way before you go away, than to get part way through a trip and it be ruining it. I’ve had another situation when a large group of my female friends shared a dorm room and the one in the group who snored brought a big bag of ear plugs for everyone, as she was mortified she might disturb us.

Anyway, as others have already said to the OP, she needs to realise what constitutes a ‘good’ man - a good man would never have booked a shared room, not even considered it! And a good man would certainly not have been so unselfaware as to shout at you for attempting to block out the sound of his snoring.

He is a very nasty man.
Knows well he snore but booked a double room.
He intimidated you last night.

You are in another bad relationship with a man.
In your place I wouldn't go on that trip.
I would sleep.
He shut you down like abusive men do.

End your relationship with him asap and never contact him again.
He is not a good man.

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You desperately need to up your boundaries for your safety.

Him booking a twin room was very off too.
Not a normal thing for a man to do, very dishonest and manipulative.

OP you need to step away from men until you learn to identify red flags, learn to stand up for yourself and certainly not be going away on trips with men like him.

This ⬆️ with bells on!!

OP...why on earth did you agree to this set up in the first place?? It's completely bizarre to me, that you'd agree to a holiday where you're sharing a room with a man you aren't intimate with! 😳

Where are your boundaries?

Snoring is awful. But the real problem is him booking a twin room without asking. That is a serious issue and has put you in a horribly vulnerable position. I would never share a room with a man I wasn’t romantically involved with.

Listening to snoring is absolutely infuriating and I say that as a snorer too!
Your friend has got a bloody cheek moaning how loud your white noise was when he knows he's disturbed you too. If I'd kept someone awake, I'd be falling over myself apologising.
Mind you, I wouldn't have agreed to sharing a room with him anyway. That's just a bit weird to me. Lesson learned I suppose.
Go home and hopefully you can sleep on the plane/in your own bed later!

He sounds vile. Did he check you were happy with a twin room before hand? I would be uncomfortable sharing with any man other than my partner, even my close male friend of nearly forty years. If he did and you agreed, did he spell out the snoring issue to you?

You seem very passive about it all, and I think that reflects the relationship dynamic. He is in charge essentially. He seems to have planned the itinary, including early starts. He actually wakes you loudly to tell you off, does so again in the morning re the earphones, and now you feel he doesn’t want to discuss it any more. So you’re not. The power balance is all off.

Lots of boundaries pushed on only your first holiday . I’d be thinking carefully about what you are getting out of this “ friendship” Also, no matter how safe you feel he is , you can never be sure of this unfortunately. Women are attacked often by men they are close to.

He doesn't sound very sensitive, I think you could try explaining that the white noise needed to be on that loud as his snoring was that loud. Headphones aren't comfy for sleeping.
For future, don't go on trips or at least don't share rooms with people you can't have a frank conversation with! He's being rude not to properly acknowledge the problem. It sounds like this was the last night but be very clear if he tried to plan future trips!

All of this, and yes to the Freedom Programme.

I guess you missed the part about being a previous victim of male abuse.

Or you just had an empathy bypass.

Do not go on holiday with this man again. He sounds like a jerk. Really.

If you do go away with him again, knowing full well what he is like then it's all on you.

Did he know how little sleep you have had before this morning? My husband snores and I will move him/wake him to stop, he won’t always remember me doing it. I think if you wanted to go on holiday with him it would need to be seperate rooms.

I think for some the room sharing is a genuine cost saving thing without any bad intent. In isolation I'd give that the benefit of the doubt.

Personally, like many, I got to a point where I suddenly wasn't ok with it and that's fine. It's something that needs to be talked about and not assumed.

Entitled knob of a person. You deserve better.

My friend ( female) had to travel home to Italy for the funeral of granny. She shared a room with her sister for the first time in their adult lives. Her snoring was off the scale. Her sister mentioned it and it was denied, so the second night she recorded it on her phone. The following morning she played it back to her. The snorer was horrified at how loud she was. ( Their brother then set it as the snorers ring tone whilst her phone was unattended because they are siblings and that's what siblings do)