Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

[ExhaustedAbroad1]

My friend of years invited me to go on a mini break with him, it was to be my first time abroad. He has been trying to persuade me to come away for ages now.

Being an experienced traveller he offered to sort the accommodation and make all of the arrangements.

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores. It worried me a bit as I'm a light sleeper and had a crap time of it with a loudly snoring exH.

I got some ear plugs and figured they would take the edge off. They haven't. His snoring is just as bad as my exH, probably even worse tbh. Ear plugs totally useless.

I didn't sleep well the night before we came away as I was nervous about flying so I was already tired when I got here.

Night 1 I managed a broken 4 hours because of the snoring, he then jumps out of bed at 5.30am bright eyed and busy tailed to get ready for the day and puts the big light on so I get up. I was that exhausted I fell asleep twice on the way to and from an excursion.

Night 2 was much of the same. I had to ask him, gently, to try moving positions as the snoring was off the charts. Barely any sleep for me again and this morning he jollied me along and insisted we go for a massive walk first thing. I'm not a very confident person and didn't feel able to say no. That is my issue I know.

24,000 steps on my pedometer by the end of the night and I'm so tired I feel ill. I laid here for about 2 and a half hours desperately trying to fall asleep because we have to leave at 6am in the morning for our flight home. Snoring like mad again.

I eventually had the idea to put some white noise on my phone next to my ear to hopefully drown it out a bit so I could atleast get a few hours in.

It must have worked eventually because the next thing I know I'm startled awake to him standing over me, incredibly pissed off, demanding that I turn it off because it woke him up. I never spoke to him in any way shape or form like that despite keeping me up for three nights.

Off he goes back to snore sleep.

I'm just sitting here crying now.

I couldn't afford to spend out on another room or I would have done.

Was I being unreasonable here?

I know people like this. they cannot see others’ perspective. Challenge them in any way and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. You otoh must be told what to do if you step out of line. Plus he sounds horrible and inconsiderate. Life has to be on his term and from what you’ve said, he has no insight into how you may be affected by his snoring and behaviour.

These are all narcissistic tendencies. I also think you’ve escaped abuse but can’t see people for who they truly are right now.

Horrible: poor you. I’ve been reading this part in sympathy, but also wondering how on earth you’ve got into this situation - how would any man assume you’d be fine sharing a room without checking, how you’d be fine accepting that, how you could go through more than a night without talking about it in the morning and , frankly, if you’re skint and he’s the one with the antisocial snoring habit - whether it’s his fault or not - asking him to pay for another room for you, or at least go halves. If he didn’t I think I’d just put myself in debt somehow and go home. Screw him (metaphorically).

But then I remembered I did something similar when I was in my 20s - went away with a guy having no intention of it being anything but friends sharing, and I was irate when he made a move on me on a 32 hour train journey where I couldn’t escape. It ruined the holiday, of course. Friends afterwards said I was an idiot to share if I didn’t ‘want more’, which I believed then was bollocks: it made me angry people would bring everything back to sex. It shouldn’t have to be like that, I reasoned. I never gave him a come on: he never asked. Even now I’m rolling my own eyes at my own naïvety… a few decades on and longer in the tooth I’ve changed my take. I know this guy hasn’t threatened you as such, and is ostensibly a pal, and this isn’t about him making a move on you, but he’s got control of your space and called the shots in a domineering way. By agreeing to share with him you’ve put yourself in a crap situation. The snoring, the up-at-crazy-hour, the waking you up, the assumptions he can make decisions for you - all no-nos. Women can be too ‘nice’. Ffs! You’re allowed just to say no. Bolt on a thank you if you feel you have to be polite (!), but a firm no is the point. It helps if you can train yourself to spot the red flags early. By all means ignore, but I’d offer this up as advice to my younger self. I was rubbish at it. Then. I’m bloody great at it now.

if you’re determined to stick it out, then at least insist you spend this morning not yomping up hills or whatever but out finding some really decent earplugs. Good luck :-/

Exactly what I said. And he booked the twin knowing that he snores. And he woke her at 5.30 to do stuff that HE wanted to do.
Not a nice person at all.

Some of the ideas people are offering for blocking out the snoring are making me think those people haven't experienced really bad snoring. Absolutely nothing could have blocked out my ex's thunderous snoring. It wasn't like normal noise, it was the low rumble that felt more like vibration that was so disturbing. Being woken every time you drift off to sleep is torture.

It's true that snorers can't help it. But they should try to understand how badly it affects others, and not expect them to just put up with it and then be cheerful in the morning after a sleepless night listening to an obnoxious noise.

Snoring or not I wouldn’t want to share a room on holiday anyway. Could you not have booked an Airbnb and had two separate rooms? Lesson for the future whoever you go on holiday with.

You should be completely honest in the morning

‘last night you really scared me waking me up like that, if you need to wake me again please do so really gently. I needed the white noise to sleep as your scoring is really loud’

If he is any kind of friend at all he will apologise. You need an apology op. If he doesn’t take some responsibility then I would reconsider the friendship.

Honesty and straight talking is needed here or this will fester.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, especially as it was your first time travelling internationally! Bad accommodation can really spoil a trip as no sleep impacts absolutely everything else. Personally I find that white noise on my mobile with good wired earbuds works for a lot of noise, but doesn't block everything and of course vibrations can be disturbing too.

Did he ask if it was OK with you to book a shared room? I appreciate that it might have been the only affordable option and that some people wouldn't mind, but I would be really surprised and uncomfortable to be blindsided by that, even without the snoring. It's an unusual thing for someone to just assume.

Also he's an arse to rage at you for (in desperation) finally doing essentially the same thing - making enough noise to disturb the other's sleep - that he proactively did to you and continued knowingly doing night after night.

I'm really shocked that anybody is downplaying just how badly this man has behaved here. Although reading on mumsnet the utterly crap behavior so many people put up with, I guess I shouldn't be. As others have pointed out, this is especially true for women who are conditioned to be nice even to our own detriment, as evidenced in this post. Op, it is absolutely NOT ok that your "friend" has effectively forced you to share a room with him without checking you're ok with it, especially when he snores. And then waking you up super early without prior discussion? And then to have the nerve to wake you up when he knows full well he's been disrupting your sleep for the last few nights? That's one incredibly selfish, inconsiderate man! I would not stay friends with someone like this, especially when you sadly find it so hard to speak up for yourself, OP, and to enforce healthy boundaries. Please try to stay away from people who are not considerate and respectful of your obviously gentle nature. I hope you find your inner strength, lovely.

Also did you agree to the early starts? I think going forward you need to start asserting yourself. If he wants to wake up early and walk etc he can, but that doesn’t mean you have to. I would be seriously unimpressed being woken up unless we had arranged it.

It really does sound like he decides everything, start exercising some choices of your own with your friends op. You need to address your people pleasing and start advocating for yourself.

@ExhaustedAbroad1

I don’t think he is a friend, because a friend considers the needs and feelings of their friend and doesn’t use them for their own benefit.

It sounds like he has homed in on your ability to empathise and exploited it.

To help currently, can you listen to the white noise through earphones so he can’t hear it?

Not sure when you go home, but insist on doing something separately from him today as you are exhausted. Tell him you haven’t slept. And then sleep in the room when he has gone.

And then I think you end the friendship. He doesn’t seem to care about your well being, and is exploiting your kindness.

Every time he started up I’d have gone over and given him a shove! What an entitled bore he sounds. You on the other hand need to stop allowing him to organise and control you….holidays, time to get up, activities etc etc. It was meant to be yr holiday too and as I read it you had the most miserable time imaginable. I haven’t read the whole thread, so am suspecting this is the last trip away with him?? It certainly would be for me!

I hate to think it OP but do you think he wanted to share rooms to try to get some?

If you don’t want to confront him while there/in the middle of the night, and I can’t say I blame you & understand it given your past. You’ll just have to firm it out tonight, but record him snoring, possibly even with a decibel meter app, and when you get back send him a message telling him how inconsiderate he’s been. The fucking nerve of the dickhead , I am angry for you.

I'm awake, I think I managed about 2 - 2.5 hours.

I was expecting him to raise the white noise but he didn't. He was just being perfectly pleasant which felt awkward after the tense response to the white noise, so I raised it myself.

I said the white noise was on because I was trying to drown out your snoring which was very loud. He said "I'm sorry but I can't help it, you could have listened to it through your headphones. It was very loud"

I replied saying that I haven't slept properly in days and I'm completely exhausted. The exchange ended there, he went for a shower and I don't think he wants to discuss it any further.

About the 5.30am wake up, we had an excursion booked that day and were being picked up from the hotel at 7ish so we did need to be up early. It was more about the way I was being woken up abruptly with the light pinging on after next to no sleep, before I'd even adjusted my eyes if that makes sense?

Record him snoring and play it back to him in the morning when he has a go at you over the white noise - or if he insists on squeezing in another multi-thousand step walk before your flight home! What an entitled, selfish arsehole!

Edit - Just seen PP with same advice after I’d written mine, must anjve been writing at the same time! He’s obnoxious OP and I’m not surprised he didn’t want to talk about it anymore! Don’t let him off that easy - he ruined your holiday.

I am older than you, @ExhaustedAbroad1 , but there is a reason I don't share rooms on holiday with anyone other than my DH, my DD, or my mother. At home DH and I each have our own bedrooms and sleep as well as possible as a result (both have sleep issues).

I don't think this needs to be the end of your friendship, but you should address it; tell him he snores really loudly and the white noise was necessary for you to finally get some sleep. If you choose to go on vacation with him in the future, check that you have separate bedrooms - not only for the snoring, but so he doesn't wake you us at the crack of dawn.

I think the fact he didn’t apologise or at the very least empathise speaks volumes

He sounds like a selfish weirdo. Is your confidence so low that you've attracted selfish dickheads as mates?

And ‘I’m sorry but…’ doesn’t count. Anything before the but is bullshit.

I‘m afraid he sounds like an absolute prick. Booking a twin room without checking that’s okay for you (and he knows he is a snorer), dragging you around without concern that you are tired, reacting aggressively when he‘s woken up by your white noise - he‘s domineering, selfish and unpleasant.

Seriously, please do rethink your boundaries around friendships once you get home, and don’t go away with this man ever again. This man is not your friend, he doesn’t care about you and has shown it.

Yes it all makes total sense, you are being completely reasonable, stop doubting yourself. The fact you’ve raised it in an assertive way is great, well done, and his avoidant response shows he has some issues with open and honest conversations himself. He’s an arsehole, only an arsehole wouldn’t know that if you wake up before someone else sharing a room you quietly move around in the half light or with a phone torch at most until they get up, not just slam on the light. Don’t let him make you feel like you’re in the wrong, and as pps have said doesn’t sound like a friend worth having.

Totally out of line deliberately waking you with the big light like that.

Does he realose how loud he snores?
Record it.
He will likely be snappy being woken but given the noise of his snorning talk it out and expect him to understand ot works both ways. (Men can be so selfish).
I liken this to when I used to have to answer drunken calls until I recorded them, replayed it to the person, who realised what a load nonsense it all was for me.
Hope he comprehends your exhausted, on holiday! Not good.

I wanted to tell him that the way he spoke to me upset me but it's clear he doesn't want to discuss the issue any further so I won't say anything else, it'll just look like I'm spoiling for a row at this point.

I think his position remains that I was unreasonable for the white noise and he can't see past that to how bad the snoring issue has been for me.

I think you need to have the last word here for once op. And well done for standing up for yourself!!

’Going forward if we decide to go on another trip we will be booking separate rooms and afternoon excursions’ and leave it at that.

He knows he kept you awake, he might be embarrassed. Let it go now and be pleased you told him how it was for you.

The next holiday if you decide to do this again, needs to be booked together and separate rooms can be arranged.

And just for the record the white noise was not unreasonable at all in the circumstances.