AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

I think xmas is what you make it.

I wouldn't want to spend the day in a smokers house either.

As an only child I always preferred the Christmasses when it was just me and my mom. No having to wait for presents or share, no fighting over the food etc
make xmas magical in your little unit. He’ll appreciate them when he’s older.

I would stay away from them, and create your own Christmas traditions 💐

What traditions can we do to make it special for him just the three of us?
We are one and done due to medical reasons so no chance of a sibling?

I felt like this for the first few years of my kids life, especially when friends had extended family involved or would mention gifts from "all the relatives".

However (and probably after a thread on here) we embraced it for what to was and have had some amazing xmases. Instead of trying to recreate a busy family Xmas that was never going to happen we did our own thing (beach walk in the afternoon why not... Kids fab food for Xmas lunch why not.... One year we asked the kids what they wanted to do and it was pj's and movies and board games and we embraced that. Just throw yourself into doing it your way.

We tried to see good friends in the Xmas season and did seasonal trips (we had NT cards and went round all the local houses all decorated which I still remdmber as magical) so it wasn't just days in end at home.

Mine are teens now and I still get a pang when hearing about others xmas plans or reading what people get their kids for Xmas knowing it's just us... But honestly it's okay. Be sad for a bit and then rewrite the rules. We did all m and s food one year as I wanted a treat but wanted to play with small children and not cook.

This is true op if you present it as normal and exciting.

What I would say is I feel for your parents a bit. I understand the issues in visiting them, but as they seem interested in spending time, it seems a shame for them and DS not to. Can you not go to an outdoor lights display or similar and all get hot chocolate together or similar do there has been a lovely Christmassy event with grandparents. DS doesn’t know that many families spend all day together breathing in each other’s cigarette smoke and sprouts farts!

I notice all too often on MN how family interactions are eschewed because of the least awkwardness of inconvenience - then posters wonder why they are sitting alone and without support. Family is important and especially enriching for children, so I’d urge you to find some way of doing something special with them that doesn’t involve all day in smoke or triggering your mum’s frettiness.

Tbh I think it's a bit "the grass is greener" because I'd absolutely love a quiet Christmas at home !

But all families big or small make their own Christmas traditions surely? Yes it would be nice to have a large jolly easy going family to share it with, but it doesn't mean your ds can't have a great Christmas. We have often seen good friends at Christmas, or we have Christmas day at home. Just us (relaxing and lovely), then visit our friends on boxing day

The best Christmas’s we ever had were me, my brother and my mum. She made them amazing, on a very tight budget!! I hated going to family over Christmas, it was so boring, I wanted to play with my presents 🤣

You can make it special!

Is one day of passive smoking that bad? My Christmas memories involve being in and out of houses with those big china troughs for the cigarettes. Personally I would go over for a few hours or try to heave your father out for a walk at least.

But don't worry about your son - he will be perfectly happy playing with his toys and eating chocolate and watching The Grinch with you. There is more than one way to do Christmas ⛄

@Calliopespa
No my dad won't do anything like that. We go and see him at his or it's nothing.
Unfortunately. I would love if he'd want to come to something like you've mentioned.

My dc have always had nuclear family Christmases and we have great traditions and happiness around it. Love , sharing and giving is what matters, no matter how many people are there.

DS doesn’t know that many families spend all day together breathing in each other’s cigarette smoke and sprouts farts!

When you put it like that....

We have always had Christmas at home just DH and I and our two DDs. My family are spread all over the place and DH's parents were alcoholics so Christmas in particular was very difficult for him.

We love our quiet Christmas Days just our immediate family unit. They are infinitely preferable to being stressed or unhappy hosting or visiting wider family. We do that but on other days, Christmas Day is kept special.

I think it can be what you make of it. DDs are allowed to eat chocolate for breakfast, we open presents and DH plays with them while I cook the turkey etc for lunch. In the afternoon we normally go on a walk to feed the ducks and say Happy Christmas to them (and to all the people we come across on our walk, which always feels lovely.) We watch TV and DDs always get a new game we can play together in the evening as one of their presents.

Sometimes we invite friends over for a drink in the afternoon of Christmas Day but not always, it depends what other people are doing.

We put disco lights on and have a dance party and DDs are allowed to stay up as late as they want so it's a proper treat of a day for them. We usually end up falling asleep on the sofa together and then having to carry DDs up to bed.

I grew up like that 😂 And then my older brother started smoking a pipe 🤦‍♀️

All cook the meal together. DS on whatever he can manage even if it’s just putting the potato peel in the bin! But let him see it come together. Christmassy movie while it cooks. It’s also lovely to save a special gift for each other to bring out in the evening, once the excitement has drained. In our house this was often a small but more expensive gift ( I remember getting a watch for example). Another thing that was beyond exciting for us was that my grandmother used to bring out in the evening a tray of treats. Hers had mini mince pies, Turkish delight, chocolate dipped fruits and other foiled chocolates but you could do what you like. She took great care arranging it in rows across the tray, one row of each thing and it looked really effective. And of course a Christmas walk coming home to hot chocolate is always nice.

Same!

We usually have 'big' family Christmases - maybe like 12-14 people, but my favourite one of recent times was covid when it was just the 4 of us. I wasn't looking forward to it but now look back on it so fondly.

Went out to the big local park for a couple of hours with kids and their Santa presents. Took a picnic of pastries and flasks of coffee/hot chocolate etc. Then kids rules for a few hours until dinner time around 4pm, when we all got our fancy clothes on to eat. Played some board games that the kids got, got the cheapy diso light out the loft and had a disco after, then watched a movie.

Loved it and longing for an excuse to do something like that again!

We had to stop doing bigger family Christmases because DC (both autistic) couldn't cope with the changes in routine, upheaval of in laws or cousins (who also have SEN) staying, noise, different food and grandparents not understanding how we parented them because of their neurodivergences. BIL, SIL, DH and I are also neurodivergent and it was all so exhausting for us too. So there's a general agreement everyone has Christmas in their own homes and visits are done after when it can be more low key and less pressure to do or eat certain things, etc.

YANBU to feel sad that the big get togethers aren't possible, but Christmas can still feel special and fun and you can create your own traditions. And people who have big family Christmas often won't tell you about the times they all got on each other's nerves, Grandma and Auntie Susan fell out over the roast potatoes or Uncle Bill had a few too many and made a pass at his DIL!

A lot of people are posting from the perspective of 'kids', it's very different I think when you have just the one. No sibling or cousin for him to play games with etc.
but I do appreciate the advice on here and will pull my socks up and sort Xmas for him.
Was even thinking of a mini break maybe

Assuming that the rest of the year you work and your DS is at school could you embrace that opportunity to really spend time with him just as a three? In the morning open presents and you’ll have plenty of time to play with him, the presents can include things to do through the day like a Lego set to build, a board game for the afternoon, a special bath bomb for bed, you can also watch a Christmassy movie and if the weather is ok can wrap up and go to the play park with some hot chocolate. Just make it a really relaxed day focused on doing nice things together the three of you?

You have loads of excuses for not visiting family over Christmas, which surely will make it much nicer for your son.

At that age, I would have hated having to spend Christmas with grandparents or teenaged cousins.

I agree with @SageBlossomBunny - you can either spend Christmas wishing it was full of family or create new family traditions for you, DH and DC.

we embraced it for what to was and have had some amazing xmases. Instead of trying to recreate a busy family Xmas that was never going to happen we did our own thing (beach walk in the afternoon why not... Kids fab food for Xmas lunch why not....

We've done similar in the past - highlights over the years have been a Christmas curry, Christmas picnic lunch after a long hill walk complete with crackers, fizz and a couple of surprise gifts, meeting some friends at the beach for a walk and flasks of hot chocolate and turkey sandwiches, volunteering at/running a parkrun...

Don't be fooled by the John Lewis 'family together laughing over dinner and singing round the piano' adverts - behind closed doors there are plenty of major rows, tired family members as there are not enough seats/beds, someone feeling frazzled and stressed out with all the planning/catering, kids arguing, inlaws that don't get on and Uncle Bob drunk on the sofa at 10am!

Break the day into chunks, relax and enjoy making it 'your' Christmas.

This all sounds lovely!

I'd suggest doing some nice things during the festive season. See Santa ( we have a local steam train line that does Christmas trips in December) Go to a carol service, maybe a wrapped up well and cold walk followed by hot choc? Then Christmas Day as recommended above?
We are on the coast and they play carols at the bandstand on Christmas morning, and sell hot drinks and mulled wine. We've gone to that a couple of times, when the weather's been nice. Always a good crowd, and there are often kids running about on the beach afterwards.
Have a look now at what's on offer locally. Doesn't have to all be cigarette smoke, sprout farts and family squabbles.

We have fabulous Christmases and its just us.
I make a Christmas mocktail menu, and have lots of fun drinks with umbrellas, straws.
We bake little gingerbread houses and decorate for hot chocolates over Christmas.
Have Christmas karoke, watch films, go and see lights.
Little buffets, family boardgames etc.
You can have lots of fun as your own family unit.