AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

I have never once in my childhood had a family Christmas do NOT feel sorry for me, I love it. I had group Christmases in my teens and they where bloody awful full of tension, arguments, stress, resentment etc...

My DH years where split alternating between family Christmas and home Christmas and he by far preferred home Christmases. He hated having to act for family and entertain little cousins, it was basically a day of stressful social chores.

Our kids have never had a family Christmas by choice, we have an amazing time just us in our house relaxing.

You COULD have family Christmases but are choosing not too because its a nightmare. Sorry you have some faux idea where people fall over themselves to give you an insta Christmas but that just doesn't happen in reality.

This is your chance to put a big distance between yourselves and the families. Stay home and have a lovely relaxed day. Let your kid choose his dream meal whatever it is, dream dessert, and watch what he wants while wearing pjs and eating treats. Lock the doors!! Kids don’t want all the faffing about adults think they need.

You could take dc to a christingle on Christmas eve. Lots of dc will be there, he gets to hold a candle and the church will have a crib.
You don't need to be religious to enjoy it.

Traditions like watching the same Christmas movie every Christmas Eve, same snacks etc. Crafts ? We did snowmen finger prints which is cute because their hands will get bigger each year. Maybe a huge Christmas jigsaw to complete over the festive period. I like traditional old fashioned stuff at Christmas , kind of timeless things to do, and so do the kids. I hope you have a lovely time.
I was wondering if maybe your sister would be more likely to just want to spend time with you and not your mum and dad. Maybe chat to her about it telling her youd like to be closer etc. See what happens .

Just see your dad...one days passive smoking is hardly the end of the world. If your ds was a newborn baby, I'd take your point

Loads of people have just one child through choice and have a lovely Christmas.

I would take your son up to see your parents. Believe it or not, the smell of a chain smoking granddad on Xmas day is one of those memories you guys will laugh about when he’s older

When it was just me and mam it was amazing, then my sibling came along and it was OK (a few kid fights but nothing crazy). Then in my teens we got my step dad and his family came in tow and it all just went to hell.

The more people involved in something they more chance it will go wrong.

My son is 11 now and over the years I'd say we've had about five or six times where it's just us three for Christmas and it's so lovely. He absolutely loves it, although also happy when his granny visits every second year. So far this year we've already planned the menu for Christmas Day and what he'll help make. He even asked when the Christmas magazines are coming out as he loves a flick through. I get he's older than your son, but even when he was younger, he just wanted to be with us. It's a lovely day and I can't wait - we do have one day over Christmas break where we meet extended family (cousins) and that's fantastic.
That said, I did feel exactly what you feel when he was younger and felt bad that it was a "small" Christmas. But over the years I've learned that it's a really special time and I know for sure he has no sense of missing anything.

I was an only child to a single parent at Christmas with no cousins. My mum was a nurse and often worked some part of Christmas day so it'd often be me and my grandma (and sometimes my uncles who were 11/14 years older than me. My Christmas memories are full of love and playing games, pulling loads of crackers, and watching films. All happy.

Now I have an only child but our families are small. We sometimes have a grandparent stay over for Christmas and sometimes we go there in the afternoon but lots of our time is spent just the 3 of us. We always go to the same place on Christmas eve for the magic, then home to a party tea with paper plates and Christmas crackers. Christmas morning is stocking on our bed then downstairs where we do presents (make sure you let your son pick your gifts from him and wrap them - my boy's favourite part is getting our gifts from him out and having us open them, he really feels involved in the giving then), we usually have croissants for breakfast or whatever DS has requested specifically. We make sure his gifts have something to actually do, so Lego or an interactive toy that he can get stuck into while I start lunch. He likes to decorate the table and we have piles of crackers because he loves them. There's usually downtime in the afternoon where we watch The Grinch or this year's Julia Donaldson offering. Picky tea and then lights off, disco lights on, glow sticks out and dancing till it's time for a bubble bath and bed. It's low-key but it's lovely, and to be honest doesn't really alter that much with who is here. I hate the idea of rushing about and dragging him away from his new things to go touring the family.

Your son is not alone. Lots of people don't have family's around, or family's that care.
He has you and that's enough and more than some.
Think what you have, not what you haven't.
Have you not got any friends. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.

We are also a wee family of 3 and we always loved Xmas day just the 3 of us. DD is 14 now and some of her fondest memories are out with the new bike on Xmas day, me and DH on the floor playing barbie or lego with her for hours. Lovely dinner at our own pace, take the dog out a big walk with the new dolls pram or scooter. Lovely, lovely memories to treasure.

Just make a lovely Christmas the 3 of you! Maybe a carol concert on Christmas Eve. Stockings, breakfast, presents, Christmas lunch. Go for a walk and play board games in the afternoon. Buffet and Christmas film in the evening. Do some short family visits on Boxing Day to exchange presents if you want to have some contact with family.

Or to look at ot another way...although grandad smokes so he can't be indoors with him much, he loves DS and you are welcome anytime. And your mum can be a bit annoying because she likes to be in control, but DS has a grandma who cares for him. His auntie lives near by, and while she's not great with young children, there's every chance a relationship can grow and she'll be there for him when he's older. Your in laws are lazy and show off but at least they're not on the door step so can be tolerated for a few hours.
My point...these perfect extended families will be comprised of flawed hunan beings just like your own. The trick is to focus on the positives and tolerate the negatives as best you can. I can pretty much guarantee that if the perfect families were told to list the things they didn't like about each other they could come up with a list to rival yours.

My initial thought is that you could do Friendsmas! Do you have any friends in similar situations? Get together and have a laugh!

But either way, Christmas with just the three of you can definitely be magical! Some really nice ideas on this thread.

An aside, wrt the "big family Christmas" thing: a few years ago I was given the advice "remember the kids." It sounds completely ridiculous because it's literally all about the kids and I was breaking my neck trying to make this wonderful Christmas for them, but my friend's point was that we often impose our idea on what a perfect Christmas is, but for little kids it might seem like:

• Weird breakfast (what is smoked salmon anyway?) or "treat" breakfast (chocolate etc) that gives them a weird feeling (sugar spike and crash!)
• Presents!! But then you've got to leave them all here and go to Nana's, sorry
• Relatives they don't often see, who ask them weird questions (I don't know, have I grown? Ask my mum)
• No lunch because we're having a 'special' lunch at a weird time (but I'm hungry now! More chocolate...)
• Special lunch, loads of hype... Oh, it's a roast dinner (I'd rather have chicken nuggets!)

And so on and so on.

I think she had a point tbf and now I always make sure that they drink some water, we get outside at some point even for half an hour, they have the option of some "normal" food if they want it (i.e. their usual breakfast or usual snacks) and they have a quiet place to decamp if they need to.

I think what I'm trying to say is that some normality is a good thing! Don't worry about making it completely different from what he's used to. Just have a nice day with some extra treats thrown in, and he will love it.

Yes. Being in a smoker's house is absolutely disgusting.
You come out stinking it's vile.

We had a quiet Christmas at home last year and we loved it so much we’re doing it again!

Christmas is special when you're 5 because:

• Father Christmas comes
• you get lots of presents
• everything is Christmassy and sparkly
• you eat lots of nice food including loads of chocolate and sweets plus mince pies or whatever are your Christmas favourites
• it's a special day
• you watch Christmas TV
• if you're lucky, your parents actually spend some time with you playing with your new toys

None of those things are to do with other DC.

I loved Christmas as a child, and I have a sibling but we argued as much as we played. My memories of Christmas being special aren't to do with us playing together, it's all the things above.

Oh so much!!!! A dinner out in a special restuarant on CE (we always go to the Ivy at dusk so that the lights are out) - we take Dobble and Uno so that we are all connecting as a family.
Lead up to Christmas - we drive around looking at the Christmas lights, go to a show in London, to a light walk thing.

For me, it's the build up rather than the day and for some of these things, you can involve friends.

I also do a little Christmas party in the last week of school and invite a few of their friends.

When you look back on your own magical Christmasses, what do you remember as special? For me it was the traditions and never the presents or even the actual day - i don't remember who was even there!

I had one child. Their favourite was the year we stayed out of the big gathering, just the two of us, and had a whole table full of party food and watched movies together or they played with their new stuff.

You don't want to go to your parents because it's a smokers house, I get that. So invite them to you? He can go outside for a ciggie if he needs to. Buy him some nicotine patches for Christmas!

If not, meet up with them for an afternoon walk somewhere. It's nice to get outside on Christmas day.

If not, maybe get a dog or cat so the focus isn't just on DS (not just Christmas but all the time). Someone else in the family to share the fun with.

You play Dobble at the Ivy? 😅😅

I'm an only child, all your son will want to do is stay home and play with anything he's just opened, he won't care about seeing people as long as you and his dad are there. It doesn't need to be about the wider family. I wish people would stop the whole oh they won't have a sibling (thinking it's best for the child), I have not at any point of my life missed having a sibling, being an only is not bad!

@notatinydancer
I agree. We absolutely reek.
It's not pleasant at all. And DS suffers from post nasal drip a lot and it aggravates it so we are then in for a night of coughing.
We do see my dad regularly in the summer when we can be outside.

Quietly!!!!!! And with my cocktail safely in my hand!!!