AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

🤣🤣🤣

Thanks to all those who made lovely suggestions, fully taking it all on board.

We also do crafts - on Christmas Eve (or the day before) we all go to Waitrose and the girls chuck in whatever they want - the only time that ever happens and it's a lot of fun seeing what each other chooses.
Also crafts - we do lots in the lead up, loads - some expensive, some free.

Top trumps at the Ivy last weekend with friends kids 😂. In fairness unless it’s the original they are just chain restaurants.

Thank you for this.
We have had a steady drip feed of 'oh an only child how sad' since he's been born.
Which was not our choice actually but it is what it is.

AIBU to ... feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

They really won't. Some of them will, for sure, but a lot of them will have families that look idyllic on the outside but actually are rife with problems, resentments, arguments, etc., even if they put on a good show. Have a lovely Christmas just the three of you.

It's hard if it's what you wanted, lots of people choose to be one and done, and let's face it most siblings argue relentlessly anyway!
Ask him if there's anything he'd especially like to do on the day/Xmas eve etc. Make it all about him.

I guess it's all about your point of view. We're having Christmas just the four of us this year, possibly hanging out with friends in a similar situation, but won't be seeing family. I'm personally really excited to have a few weeks of family time with no travelling, no adhering to the expectations of others, no being in a different house. There are lovely points to a big family Christmas, but there are many positives to keeping it to a smaller crew as well!

Op i think you over estimate what family gatherings are like, normally someone gets drunk, there are arguments, fakery, you can't relax. Forget social media or American films about big jolly gatherings and enjoy building a strong bond with your son and making it magical.

It's just the 4 of us at Christmas and even when it was 3, we had fun Christmases.

Ds is 9, the one and only. It's usually just us 3 for Xmas and we love it! We play games, or ds can game all day, eat what he wants, do what he wants etc. My Xmas' as a child were BUSY. I'm one of 3, my mum is one of 12 (loads of cousins) and as much fun as it was cramming a minimum of 30 odd people into my Nans house over the day, it was hectic and I much preferred just being at home tbh. Although I had siblings, we didn't 'play' together much, we were too busy with our own presents.
It's what you make it. Siblings/cousins arent required to have a great Xmas as a child.

I have just myself and my one child.
I have loads of stuff I would love to do not do as I am nervous without another adult.
Then it’s a whole Xmas dinner etc just for us two who won’t really bother about it .
I have decide to do as much on the run up to Xmas as possible so a quiet xmas day is bliss.

What about church the day before if it’s something you are into . A pantomime . Xmas markets Xmas lights switch on.
cmas markets and a family means the week before Xmas with any members that would like to go . If not just your own family of three.
I was going to go abroad but my child doesn’t want to as I’d have picked to have skipped xmas altogether .
Id also like to go to Paris or Xmas markets elsewhere for a couple of days but am nervous of going alone.

You have your husband your own wee household. I wouldn’t be leaving my home in your circumstances.
I suppose we both have the same guilts but in different ways .

Santa footprints to the tree.
Cover the living room door with wrapping paper to burst through
Fabulous dinner
Watching movies together
New scooter/ bike/ outdoor thing that you go out on on the day
Find a Carol concert etc in Advent.
Find Christmas lights switch on in November
Lively Advent calendar
Crafts
We always made a door sized advent calendar from wallpaper and last year's cards!
He will love doing your traditions year in year out!

We have at least two Christmases. The obligatory family one which we endure and one we arrange with good friends and their children a week or so before Christmas. Most of us have family we have to travel to/or who travel to us and all the usual issues of extended family, everyone has a dickhead or two showing up.

All the trimmings, presents [for the kids - secret/santa kriskindle, set £ limit] and it's a big party. We take it in turns to host annually, share the cost of the main meal and the booze and divide up starters, deserts and cheese.
It's universally accepted among the group and the kids that it's our favourite Christmas.

Create your own traditions. It's a lot more fun.

@billytiina
My kids have no grandparents or aunts and uncles, they're teens/20s now.
Growing up I often felt they missed out when other kids had these big Xmas and gifts from lots of family members.
One year my then 14DD said "mum not all families are 100s of years old, ours starts with us' she is right, we now have our own ways of celebrating and now they have partners/fiances we have our own celebrations.
Have the day you want and that your wee one will enjoy, don't waste time trying to include negative ppl.

One of the best xmases my kids ever had was the one where we made homemade pizza and wore Pjs all day because our ILs (who are lovely and usually travel a long way to be here) couldn’t come due to lockdown.

Just make it a fun mum n son day, watch Polar express (or whatever xmas family film you both love), serve only the foods that you both want, dress up/wear silly costumes or PJs and make it YOUR day. He’ll love it because it is with you and you’ll have made it special.

There are plenty of people who don't have "big family Christmas" - you just don't see them on supermarket adverts or in Christmas films, and people don't talk about them as much or post on the MN Christmas forum because there's less of the juggling in laws or sibling difficulties or who is seeing who when and where strife! Just do your own thing.

Chipping in a mention that there are often Christmas Day parkruns - 9am on Christmas Day, anyone is welcome, you can walk them you don't have to run, but it's also nice to volunteer at them. People often turn up in Christmas jumpers or with santa hats and antlers and tinsel and things. Part of the idea is that it's a social event, acknowledging that some people don't see anyone else on Christmas Day, so it's a nice opportunity to get together all having some fresh air and exercise and wish other people a Merry Christmas.

We only have one, and have enjoyed Christmases on our own. You can play games with him - and you won't throw a tantrum if you lose. We used to get a new game most years. It was perhaps easy for us as DD liked reading and jigsaws and lego and things like that. At 5, you could have a lovely afternoon helping him build a new lego set. Definitely head out for a walk or to the park for a bit. Check out local things to take him to - our village has a Boxing Day walk, and a lot of churches have something on Christmas Eve that would be fun to go to even if you're not churchgoers - a candlelit carol service or an outdoor nativity.

All my grandparents died before I was born, I have one auntie and one cousin who we rarely saw (less than once a year in childhood and he was 15 years older than me anyway) so it was just my parents and my sister for every celebration. I sometimes get a slight pang wondering what it would have been like to have huge family Christmases but honestly I have such good memories, I loved Christmas day with just us.

Actually I disagree slightly. I think Christmas is a really good time for children to learn the joy of thinking of others.

As a poster mentioned above, if they plan, budget and wrap carefully chosen gifts they do learn the fun of gifting as well as receiving. And most children enjoy helping with Christmas dinner etc. This is so much easier if it doesn’t have to be “ guest quality!” In lockdown DH and I put our feet up in the evening after cleaning up from Christmas lunch and asked the children to put together leftovers and treats from the pantry ( no cooking) for a supper by the fire and wait on us! They absolutely loved it!! It helped that the pantry was more festive than usual. The tray came wobbling in and we all tucked in by the fire. There was definitely a lot more pink lemonade on offer than when I host!

I'm a family of three since my husband dyed when the kids were very young. Most of our Christmas celebrations have been the three of us, as friends are with their own families, my family live in another country and my in laws don't care (though my mil has been unwell last few years and passed sway this year).
We have a lovely time. We don't focus on the lack, but what we have. We open presents, walk the dog, I cook dinner, afterwards we play games and then watch a movie.

It'll be lovely. I can't stand cigarettes (asthmatic) so absolutely get not wanting to be there.

My dh's family are very dysfunctional and controlling - my children hated going there at Christmas when younger because their older cousins were always the centre of attention even when they were just attached to their phones all day and headphones in.

I won't see most of my adult children after this weekend until Christmas/after Christmas so I'm putting together (finishing today hopefully) an Advent activity pack, reminiscent of doing something Christmassy every day in the lead up to Christmas with my mum as a child - only child and my dad was a vicar so his busy time! Got ideas from here so will be posting when done.

I think your ds is lucky to have your full attention - games aimed at his age group, a lovely film, hot choc in PJs when you've put the lights on the tree, making saltdough shapes to string up, choosing the crackers, making name cards for the table, dancing to a favourite Christmas song.

Let him choose a bauble every year, take a picture of it and note down why he chose it.

You'll have a lovely time doing what you want and I promise your ds will remember the fun and closeness. And how relaxing to do everything your way!

Ooh I think there are loads of lovely things you could do just the three of you! My partner and I will be spending Christmas at home by choice with our son (who will be one by then) and I'm so excited, a five year old would be even more fun! I'm obsessed with Christmas lol and have already been thinking about it loads so here are some of my ideas:

Lots of elf on the shelf cheekiness!
I've bought cheap artificial snow sheets which I'll lay on the ground Christmas Eve night
Christmas Eve box for our boy with; Christmas pjs, Dear Zoo Santa book, Christmas bath bombs, reindeer cuddly toy, Christmas plate set and Santa slippers
Christmas films, hot chocolate and takeaway on Christmas Eve
Mixed pastries and fruit platter for Christmas morning (and Prosecco for me and dp!) while we look in our stockings
Winter walk after breakfast
Presents!!
Big Christmas lunch followed by games, films, snack and drinks in the evening

With a five year old you could also write yourselves a Christmas letter about all the lovely things you have done to pop in the Christmas tree box ready to read next year! You could also order one of those virtual personalised videos from Santa

Last Christmas our little boy was only three weeks old but it was still just bloody amazing being able to plan Christmas exactly how we wanted it, eat what we wanted when we wanted and work to our own schedule, stay in pyjamas all day and have a couple of drinks without worrying about driving anywhere. Honestly it will be exactly what you make of it and with a five year old you can make it wonderful and magical!

Perfect! Wishing you another Happy Christmas 🎄

I am screenshotting your reply ready for Christmas when my boy is older as this sounds amazing!

comparison is the thief of joy OP

plenty of families are together but bickering. I don't want to be negative but the older I get the more i dislike christmas. Endless consumerism - panic about spending spending spending - someone always ends up doing insane amounts of shoppingg cooking, etc.

It's not natural to spend days on end cooped up indoors with family at the shit time of year when you can barely even get out!

Your son will enjoy it if it's peaceful and relaxed and he gets some nice things to play with.

If you think going forward you would like a busier christmas how about hooking up with friends?