AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

I forgot about gingerbread houses @ThisHangryPinkBalonz OP, you can buy those in a box ready to put together and decorate, to keep it simple

It was just the three of us for Christmas for years, as both families were in our home country and DH always worked on Boxing Day so we couldn’t travel. DS (now 12j has very warm memories of those years — watching Christmas films, playing in snow (couple of very snowy winters), going to get the tree and wrangling it back in the car, decorating it (we bought a new bauble annually), school nativity plays, advent calendars, special food etc.

Tbh my brother would have loved the Lego day. We had busy family Christmases - presents and breakfast at home, then in what felt like no time were being shoved into best clothes for formal lunch with cousins and various extremely elderly maiden aunts etc at one set of grandparents, then we would rush off to a second evening meal with cousins and grandparents on the other side. I quite liked it, especially as the half dead great aunts made what fuss they could manage of me . But I remember my brother packing and unpacking his new Lego in various stages of assembly and hauling it about and honestly he’d have loved to just sit by the fire, build it with my dad and eat pizza.

Oh, and his single favourite memory of Christmas is of racing little clockwork Santas from crackers.

Do lots of xmas activities in the lead up to xmas. For example, make a gingerbread house, baking mince pies, making xmas cards and decorations, writing letters to Santa, elf on the shelf (if you can stomach it), visit Father Xmas, go see an xmas lights display at one of the stately homes, book a panto, watch xmas movies, do a little xmas party for a few of his friends, read xmas books etc.

On Xmas day itself, you could go away for a few days if you fancied it so that the change of scene added to the excitement of the day. Or stay at home and create your own traditions that you do together as a family. Opening stocking presents, then have a special breakfast, then open family presents, then put on a xmas film whilst dc plays with his new toys and so on etc etc. You get to create a wonderful relaxed xmas day where you aren't being pulled between families or owing anyone your time, or spending all day travelling between people. There are also lots of kids who will be having a small xmas without a million family members. It is what you make of it that matters.

A small, cosy, family Xmas sounds so bloody lovely!

Any amount of traditions to make up.

Singing, board games, a meal of course, a walk outdoors is always good afterwards. There are some lovely Xmas picture books for kids, stargazing. Lie on the sofa all day drinking boozy hot chocolate while your DS plays tetris.

I mean, basically you can do whatever you want, OP. You get to have a lovely day with just your family. Enjoy it. (And at the same time, probably worth remembering that we all have unrealistic hopes/expectations of what Christmas is going to be like. It's never a John Lewis advert in real life ...)

The money that you save on buying presents for your family spend on the weeks building up to christmas. Breakfast with Santa, Santa’s grotto, garden centres, ice skating, panto or cinema. Christmas Eve have popcorn and hot chocolate and an xmas film, carrots out for reindeers and milk and cookies out for santa. In the morning go at his pace, try and slow down present opening to make the magic last, after lunch walk, maybe something charitable. Games and snacks in the evening, playing with new toys, being thankful and enjoying time as your own little family unit. Christmas is what you make it, set your own little traditions now and he will look forward to the magic every year.

He has two parents who love him and I presume a safe and stable home which is more than many children will have this Christmas. I’m sure there are children in his class for whom this isn’t the case. Christmas should be a time for being thankful.

It's on you to make his Xmas good. You don't need relatives or other kids there to do this. Make a fuss of it for him. Do elf on the shelf (be warned that's a good 5 year commitment!), do a visit with Santa, read Xmas books, do Xmas crafts , go to a Xmas market. Find something to do on Xmas Eve like a trip to the cinema or a church activity, make a buffet tea or get a takeaway, matching family pjs before bed. Stockings cuddled up in the big bed in the morning, special breakfast. Presents together, spend time playing with him with his new toys. He's lucky there's two of you and only one of him, so he can get full attention from one of you whilst the other is busy doing dinner, or go out somewhere for your Xmas dinner. Honestly what matters most to children is attention from their parents. Other relatives/kids etc, not so important. Unless you want them to provide the attention for you.

That is tricky then. Could you pop round and exchange small gifts and just stay for a morning tea ( you could even take a tin of something or a small shop bought Christmas cake and something DS would like). If it’s all cheerful ( and there’s cake and a present!) I don’t think being quick would matter?

This is the bottom line op.

Don’t feel guilty for a moment.

Suggestions were only really because you asked!

Make your own lovely Christmas traditions. Honestly, Dh and I can’t see either of our families because both our mums went on to marry convicted paedophiles who can’t be around children. We are NC with my family and see MIL in only a very limited capacity. Dh’s family has lovely big Christmas’s but we aren’t invited because we’re the only ones who take issue with having a child abuser there. It’s life. Some families are shit. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You make your own memories. Your ds will know no different and will grow up thinking Christmas is a lovely cosy time with family.

Try and get your son to earn some extra pocket money these next few weeks and then top up what he’s earned, get Dad to take him out shopping for presents for Mum and vice versa, get him involved in wrapping and label writing too, he will love being able to pick things out for you both and watching you open them on Christmas as well as it being nice for you and DH to be able to have more gifts to open.

@billytiina we are going to Disneyland Paris the weekend before Christmas, there will be parades and fireworks etc so really magical for children. We plan to make it a tradition to go somewhere really festive for the weekend before every year, could you do something like this? Ice skating and Hamleys in London with ice cream at the harrods dessert bar or Christmas markets in Germany etc

You know you can play games with him too right?
It's going to sound harsh but stop feeling sorry for yourself and appreciate what you do have.

A lot of kids would rather be at home playing with their new toys than being carted round to various relatives. There's loads of things you can do to make it feel special.

Sounds lovely 😍

But your child has two loving parents, who care about him, who centre their life around him. He is a blessed child who will have a wonderful Christmas with his little family.

You stay home christmas day and make it special the 3 of you.

• North Pole breakfast
• Ginger bread house to decorate on christmas eve
• A walk around the christmas lights in your area
• Set the table all fancy
• Christmas music on
• his favourite food
• games mum and dad can play too
• get him things you can help him set up and play with
• Fancy hot chocolate and a christmas movie in the evening
• Make it an over night trip to visit your in-laws either before or after christmas and add in a couple of fun stops on the way, cinema trip, soft play, big swimming pool etc The in-laws might love to make the effort if you go to them
• Again with your dad and mum, visit before or after christmas to bring them gifts and don't stay long
• Organise play dates with his friends, santa's grotto etc in the days/weekends leading up to christmas.

Are there any of his friends or families close by you can organise to meet, even just a walk or go to the local park with so he has some kids to play with at some point? I have learned to try and not put soo much pressure on the day itself and try to make the whole christmas holidays fun

The busy large family gatherings are often a tv dream- if you look here on/ after Christmas there will thread after thread talking about awful experiences and stress.
make it yours.

Not wanting to be the Grinch, but I always wonder if people who talk about gingerbread houses have ever actually made one. 🤨 We have one Dc who insists every year. Every year I’m tempted to get out nails and toxic superglue! I honestly think I could build an actual house more successfully - and it has definitely given me a deep and abiding love of Lego and it’s quick- fit brick system!

😳😳😳😳😬

Christmas with just immediate family is the absolute best - even better without annoying siblings!! I think you are projecting your own feelings of disappointment onto your child. You all get to do exactly what you want to when you want to, eat and drink what you want to, stay in your PJs all day if you want to. Seriously, hunkering down with immediate family over the Christmas period is magical.

We will have similar Christmas too with family relationships on strain on both sides (everyone is pretty self-absorbed to say the least). Our DD is a toddler.

I agree with many posters, do a few fun things at home and have a nice lunch or dinner. Choose a great Christmas movie to watch together (may I suggest Home Alone?!).

Movie night on Christmas Eve?
Plate out for Father Christmas

Own way of presents opening.
Eg we had stockings at the end of the bed, then we'd go and see if FC had been.
Nice breakfast / brunch

Dinner later on

Games /tv evening.

As a child I hated being dragged to relatives houses for Xmas. I refuse to do this to my children, we have it home with just us, lots of food, music and party games, toys etc. Its amazing.