AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

We’ve been on our own twice in the last 40 years, both times it was absolutely lovely. Easily our most memorable.

You want big Christmas and you can't have them.
Solution is to make your own thing.
In our family, my entire family is abroad. DH family is his mum and brother with cousins x 2.
My kids are autistic.
We let them open presents through December so on Christmas day it's only stockings. They won't eat any food apart from preferred food, so they have their special lunch first and then have movie while me and husband have lunch.
Then kids and husband go to BIL for 'fun' afternoon, while I have a deserved time off home with champagne just chilling.
They love Christmas. they talk about it all the time and count down to it from July 😂 (age 10,8,6).

It's what you make it and what you let go of.

His best Christmas would be with his mum and dad and without the stress caused by other family members. Our best Christmases with our daughter are when it is just the three of us.

Would you be able to spend Christmas abroad or stay somewhere else in the UK (presumably that’s where you’re from)?

I have 1 son, his dad left when he was 18 months old so it was just the 2 of us. Christmas is a magical time for kids, if you make it magical. We did the full thing, singing carols while baking mince pies together, decorating the tree, gluing paper strips to make streamers to hang in the house, leaving a carrot out for Rudolph and a mince pie and glass of sherry for Santa etc etc. Christmas day we opened presents then played with the new toys all day long.
I once apologised to my son (now adult) because we didn't have much cash so he never got the named trainers or the expensive electrical goods his school friends got. He said are you kidding? I had the best time ever, just you and me.
Kids want time, attention and love - that's really all anyone needs.

I often had to work Xmas day afternoon so we always made Xmas Eve super special going to cinema or panto or dvd , new PJ's hot chocolate etc. I would do snowy footprints up the hall for Xmas morning. One year we 'found' a sleigh bell in the garden (must have come off Santa's sleigh 😊). Presents started with a stocking and then some from Santa (different paper) and then little presents from me were done like a treasure hunt so a simple clue with each and onto the next one to discover round the house. Made the morning last a little longer. Nice breakfast then off he would go to dad's and I'd go to work. I miss doing it all now

Ask your son what he wants to do you might be surprised give him all the options & then say or we could have a day just you & me we can get up open presents & have whatever you want for breakfast we can go on a walk & pick up leaves pine cones acorns twigs etc & come home & make our family Christmas picture that we put up every year. & that we can add to it (if he likes that sort of thing) just turn the day into shat he wants to do eat his food for the day it might be pizza & chips but it’s Christmas make it about him not the others who sound a bundle of laughs & so supportive

Mine loved to put out a glass of milk, carrot and mince pie for Rudolph and Father Christmas.
Of course my tradition was last thing at night... add some booze to the milk, dh & I take a bite each of the carrot and finish the mince pie and now boozy milk.
Much excitement in the morning. (Mine was and still is very easily pleased!)

Another happy memory is making paper chain decorations in the run up to Christmas - I use up all of last years Christmas wrapping paper in this.

This kind of thing is so much more fun if you don't have the added stress of tons of family coming for lunch.

Take your dad out for Xmas eve to have a nice Xmas eve meal and look around the local town and lights etc- nice that no one has to cook and you are away from his smoke.

Have a cosy Xmas day just the 3 of you paying games and enjoying his presents - plus it is nice and easy to prepare an Xmas dinner for just 3.

Then arrange to meet the in-laws half way on boxing day for a nice boxing day meal and walk.

Have your mum over the next day when it is less stressful and hopefully she will be less anxious.

Why don’t you do a city break away explore Xmas markets elsewhere

If you can travel for a few days.

We've had mainly Christmas with just the 3 of us since DS16 was a baby.... definitely prefer it...
We never get toys that need more than one person to play with although we did play with him ... of course
Also he gets to eat what he wants... I do make a basic traditional meal but if there's somewhere specifically wants, we have that too...
We make a deal of decorations etc and DS has always been involved... I don't do fancy matching stuff... so all a bit random...
We bake with lots of Christmasy spices etc

My husband is 1 of 5 and his sister has 9 children, 5 still at home. We used to go to my Mil every year when her and my fil were alive. I wasn't used to a big family but got used to it. Long story short, we now have a Christmas me, my husband, 17 and 20 year old and we would have one of the brothers. 2 he speaks to are now single. Enjoy your small family, it's quality time not how many people are there.

We always used to have amazing Christmasses with just the three of us!

I'd recommend getting some Lego to build together or a jigsaw. Watch Muppet Christmas Carol or Arthur Christmas together cuddled up under a blanket on the sofa. Definitely read Night Before Christmas before bed on CEve then put out snacks for FC and Rudolph.

We used to get DS to bring the stocking into our room and enjoy finding out what every present was before breakfast.

You can do tree presents at any time.

If DS isn't up to a long sit down lunch then don't have one! Have a starter... Then a break... Then turkey or chicken... Then have pudding when you fancy it. Some years we've even gone total buffet style and mine has had prawns next to a bit of turkey, a sausage, and sprouts!

I really feel this, we also have basically zero extended family, won’t go into all the reasons as I’d be here all day…so our Xmas has really always been just us for the last 10 years or so. I still feel bad for my kids, and anger at family for being so useless. but they are happy, they love Xmas and really look forward to it just being us, now they are older they say they don’t envy their friends having to make numerous trips, or have people round all the time, they can really relax. It’s really hard for us, and I think I’ve learnt lately that all kids really want/need is HAPPY parents! So look after yourself and be kind to yourself first, it makes all the difference. X
your not unreasonable at all for feeling how you do. It’s really not the big things that they love, it’s the little things like having a hot choc with you looking at Xmas lights,..those annoying board games…decorating the tree and watching Xmas movies etc x

Start traditions this year

The 3 of you don't need other people.

Make Christmas cosy and sparkling .....start 1 December

Google ideas.....there are millions 😀

A Christmas book advent calendar with a little story to read each day , is lovely

So much you can do to make each Christmas absolutely magical for the 3 of you

I was looking back through old photos on my phone trying to find something last night, and all our Christmases until DS was 7 were just the three of us, and look adorable, and (now 12) has very warm memories of getting the tree home and decorating it, racing clockwork Santa Clauses, baking gingerbread, putting out mince pies for FC, playing with his new toys, watching Christmas films etc.

Thank you, I really appreciated your post

My daughter is 11 and a only child and christmas is her most favourite time of year. It has always been the 3 of us and we have the best day and traditions! Santa leaves a stocking of presents in her room which she then brings into our room waking us up and opens them. We then all head down and open all the other gifts santa has brought with Christmas music playing. We have a nice breakfast together and watch Christmas tv whilst playing with what santa has brought. The day proceeds like this with snacks in between then Christmas dinner at the table with pulling of crackers. Then after dinner we usually have a rest and maybe a nap. Then we play a board game and maybe a switch game or play some silly Christmas games until bedtime.
Your son will remember the time spent together being happy, together and relaxed!

I’m late to the tread as you’ve had loads of ideas already. My suggestion is to play some board games as a family after dinner. As a child I loved it when the adults would play games with us. Christmas Day at home with just the three of us is the best. We used to visit PIL and my family and it was always stressful with all the running around. At home we can just chill in our comfy clothes and presents can be played with and enjoyed.

I only have 1 child too, and it never happened again & now have had a hysterectomy so never will!…. It’s actually surprising how quickly the day goes. By the time they get through the mountain of presents and then sit playing with them all, eat dinner, do a dog walk with their new scooter/bike etc it flies by!
we did do the Elf, but ours came with little treats rather then being naughty, things that made my DD laugh or smile, (made an ice castle out toilet rolls, cut up snow flakes, made paper chains and left some in made for her to do…. Bought her a Christmas bauble with her name on .. that sort of thing… it was so lovely because every morning in December she’d come running in excited to see what he’d done… now she’s a young teen she had 2 years where he didn’t do anything anymore and then last year decided that it made her so happy believing he was real that she now makes him so funny things to make me laugh!!
my cousin and his wife take their DD to Butlins every Christmas, they pack the presents in a suitcase, decorate the place they’re staying in with a small tree and lots of decorations, there’s loads of shows and loads of other children to play with, they’ve made it their tradition and book for the following year while there!! They love it!!

@Jaybail that just made me cry - so lovely!

Aww no, Christmas being just the three of you would probably be a lot better than having a bunch of other adults around! I imagine he would love cosying up to watch a festive film in the evening, maybe playing some sort of (board) game in the afternoon, and having all your attention while he enjoys his presents! Honestly the best Christmas I’ve had was the one where it was just the three of us as well. You’re probably just feeling sad about it because your Christmases were full of family, but it’s not necessarily the norm. The Will cherish the Christmases you give him, and they will be the norm for him.

We’re a family of 2. 1 adult and 1 DC with no wider family at all.
We make our own Christmas cake and DC has decorated it since they were a toddler - now 11. We cook a Ginger star biscuit Christmas tree for Father Christmas and DC decorates this.
We have an obscure tree decoration- each year a new one appears on the tree for Christmas Day on the same theme.

I bought a packet of baubles with bells inside that I wrote the different names of the reindeer’s on. Each year a different reindeer bauble bell is found on the lawn when the magic door key box is retrieved. One year a real deer antler was purchased and put on the lawn (ok not a reindeer antler but as a pre schooler - close enough to be a cherished item on the bookshelf in DCs room.
We watch the Box of Delights during Advent each year too. As well as going to a local Christmas story in a beautiful location with Christmas lights.
Each year Father Christmas writes a handwritten personal letter to my DC. Which is stamped with a North Pole ink stamp etc. Look at Tolkien’s letters that he wrote from Father Christmas to his own children. This always includes something that they’ve done that’s thoughtful/kind.
We also have certain stocking presents each year. The same number of fruit canes put on the tree as their age.
DC has decorated the tree since being a toddler too. We put on our Christmas jumpers, wacky hats and glasses as well as playing Christmas music.
We play lots of different board and card games.
DC will help to prepare our Christmas meal and enjoys decorating the table.
We have special decorations that come out every year and eat by candlelight.
It is what you make it. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the challenge of devising our Christmas traditions. It doesn’t have to cost the earth. Just spending time together is important to us.
Have fun with your Christmas and don’t worry about all those social media posts of the perfect family Christmas- the reality is often not as great as they make out.

I was an only child and we never had Christmas with other family members because they lived so far away. I never missed having any of that because it was always just the three of us. I think your past memories of childhood Christmases with extended family have colored your expectations in a way that they just won't for your DS - he doesn't know it to miss it. I was never "sad" to just have Christmas with my parents! I loved it. My Dad and I went to a tree farm together and picked out a Christmas tree. I remember one time we brought my little red wagon and put the tree on that to roll it to our car. We had all sorts of beloved ornaments that we collected over the years. Each year we opened the boxes where we kept them and it was like rediscovering old friends as we unpacked each one. I got to decide where to hang many of them on the tree. My mother made Christmas cookies. We went to Christmas concerts. Some of my parents' friends came by in the weeks leading up to Christmas - and gave me presents! I was taken to see Santa Claus.

I grew up in New Jersey, US, so we also took the train to New York City at least once and looked at the shops all decorated for Christmas and went to the legendary FAO Schwartz toy store! We all watched The Nutcracker on television. One really exciting thing for me about Christmas was the endless arrival of boxes of presents from far off family members that seemed to arrive on a daily basis. I could barely contain my excitement when the post came and another huge box of mysterious packages in exotic (to me) wrapping paper arrived and I read the tags of all of them to see which ones were mine.

On the day, we all took part in cooking the meal. My parents shared the duty of roasting the turkey, debating about the best methods to make sure it came out juicy. My Dad always made the pie - I helped him roll out the dough and cut the apples. There would always be a little dough left over after he had fitted the two pie circles to the bottom and top of the pie, so he baked little extra strips of dough with cinnamon and sugar in the oven next to the pie for me to taste because it seemed like a long time before we would get to the actual pie.
One by one my grandparents and aunts and uncles would telephone and talk to my parents and then to me and I would excitedly tell them about our Christmas.

The house was warm and cozy and my parents were always happier and more relaxed than usual. We'd play games and listen to music and overindulge on sweets. I loved it.