AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

Making a special Christmas tree decoration each year so when he has his own home he’ll have a collection. ( use air dry clay or go to a pottery class, use fabric and sew or glue, card, glitter etc..)
Baking together.
Pantomime.
Christmas lights. Free to drive round a neighbourhood or walk around a city centre or if you can afford it go to one of the big gardens or stately homes. Just Google Christmas lights your town.
Make Christmas presents.
Choose food together to make a “ hamper” for a food bank.
Better to have a happy, healthy Christmas in a small way than full it with people who don’t want be there / make it toxic etc.,

I think maybe you're over-estimating how many families really do have a big family Christmas with relatives pouring in and out. There's a lot of only child families who spend Christmas just them. Amongst the families that do spend it all together, they don't have perfect families either. All the types of issues you list are still present, some people choose not to spend Christmas with chain-smoker/ anxious wreck/ braggart family members and some people choose to suck it up in the name of family

Re only children, Christmas is the only time I do slightly wish DD had a sibling, but we are 1 and done by choice, and the research shows that being an only child is advantageous in a lot of ways. A quieter Christmas is perhaps one of the drawbacks, but for a 5 year old, having a whole day to play with a pile of new toys without having to be concerned about sharing, and having the full attention of 2 parents who don't have to be at work, is probably the best thing they could imagine.

Bigger family Christmas gatherings are overrated, stressy and boring ime. Good food, loved ones, sharing gifts, a game and a film are absolutely fine. Being around difficult people isn't

I am an only child OP. My mum was widowed so it was just the two of us a lot of the time (she got a partner in later but her that’s a whole other story). I can promise you as an only child that your parents are “enough”. If you take the time to play with your child, explore their new presents, get excited about Santa, let them be involved in the Christmas dinner (maybe they could mash the potato or pour the custard?) they will have a wonderful time.

Really take the time to make yourself believe in the magic and I promise you that your child will adore sharing this with you.

We do have friends but mainly they all have extended families who make a huge effort.
Which we then hear plenty about.
DS is the only only child we know of.
I need to get better at ignoring it.
We also lost both my grandparents this summer (one each side) who were lovely, made an effort and really supported us through some hard times so I guess that has also hit home.

This OP! Love all these ideas. We also go and watch The Snowman at a local cinema on Xmas Eve and usually go for a Boxing Day walk/skate/bike. Do you have any friends or neighbours or anyone who interacts well with your 5 year old? Could they join you on one of the days for a mince pie and cup of tea and a play.

Thank you

What about somewhere like center parks? Spend Christmas in the Forrest, a Christmas swim, whatever dinner you fancy

We have a dog!
Love the mock tails, will do that.
It's been a tough year but I shall stop feeling sorry about it and take on board some of the lovely suggestions that people have made on this board so thanks for all of them.

I have only 1 child and have never spent Xmas day with wider family since he was born. I came from a big family who did big get together and whilst it's lovely seeing cousins and playing with them etc my favourite Xmas were at home. My kid doesn't have to rush to get dressed in the morning as we don't go to see anyone. He gets time to play with all his new toys and bits. We can watch a movie or play games or listen to music without thinking about others and we eat when we want.

Traditions you could do:

• Get a board game or card game and every Xmas play a game whether a new one or the same one that comes out each year
• have a special breakfast that you only get Xmas day
• make it a pyjama day
• go for a walk every Xmas day before dinner
• do craft activities or a decorate your own gingerbread house
• do some baking
• make mulled apple juice
• get a new book each year you can read as a family
• watch a christmas film

It's all about connection so things that involve you all

As adults my kids now say the things they loved about Christmas was getting a new pair of pyjamas to put on on Christmas Eve, and watching a Christmas film together with some nibbles and hot chocolate (I did this initially to calm them down so they would go to bed).
Then we would all tackle the sprouts and veg, so there was nothing to do on Christmas morning except put the turkey in.
We would have Christmas songs or films.
They loved making Christmas decorations,
They still ask for new Xmas pyjamas it has such fond memories for them, they are now 34 and 35 :D

Oh I might give that a try, thanks. They are really quite tricky - worse than card houses as the gingerbread is heavy.

TBH we always went to my DP's for Christmas day as did the rest of the family...it was noisy, present wrapping ripped off then onto the next present without even looking at the gift tags, just rushed through.

Looking back, my DC are now in their 30's, it was awful, DC not being able to sit for a minute playing with what came out of the wrapping...like a whirl wind of rubbish left behind.
Had the plumes of smoke also.

Now I have Christmas day in my own home, DC every other year, only fair as DS GF's parents live over 300 mikes away and we have great fun, relax, games general banter.

If I was in your position and it was your thing and you could afford to I'd be doing the santa visits, Christmas light walks and as you say a break away somewhere, even for a night or two..bliss.

Christmas is what you choose to make it, no expectations, yes people do think it's time to be with family and you will be but it'll be the family members you want to be with and your DC will remember the memories of being together.

I was an only child and would have loved to have had my parents focus on Christmas Day. As it was my mother always wanted to be surrounded by people, gathering waifs and strays, and my dad and I had no choice. I would have lovely gifts on Christmas morning but no chance to do anything with them because mum was busy in the kitchen, dad was on hand to help her and I couldn't make a mess or use the table because all the focus was on Christmas Dinner. Then if by any faint chance it was just the three of us, everything had to be cleared away because there were people coming for tea and there were sandwiches to make and sausage rolls to cook. I always preferred Boxing Day when it was just us.

I used to go to my sister's but she is an alcoholic really controlling. Right down to deciding when we could have a drink eat or my DC could play with some of their gifts. They both have severe autism they are young adults now. But my sister is a bit too houseproud and hated them making a mess. It always ended up in an argument if something didn't go her way. She would accuse me of being ungrateful when honestly I just wanted to stay at home with my children and not have the agro. I honestly don't know how her husband puts up with her. Luckily they never had children of their own. She's a narcissist and spends most Christmas's alone.

You don’t need large numbers of people to make Christmas good, creating your own family traditions and building the excitement yourself is what makes it good.
We don’t have extended family for various reasons and my DC are obsessed with Christmas. They love our traditions.

Every single Christmas when I was growing up was just me and parents - and often one of them had to work at least some of the day - in fact, sometimes they both did and I ended up there with them!

Christmas was still one of my favourite days of the year - you really don't need a massive family and loads of cousins or siblings to make it special. In fact, those huge Christmases can actually be quite overwhelming and the total opposite of fun and festive.

We've never spent Christmas day with any family. We visit the week before tk hand out presents but Christmas Day through to New Years Day is always just 3 of us.

Christmas Eve used to be crib service St church then home for pork rolls, film and bed for DS. Now he's 16, nearly 17, we have pork rolls, watch a film then fill our flasks with mulled wine and go to Midnight Mass. After that, we go the Vicars house where he serves mulled wine and cider and hotdogs. We got home at 2am, go to bed.

I'm awake by 6am ish so I pop the turkey on low and have a cuppa in peace and quiet and then go for a walk.

Get home and DS and DH are awake, so do presents then showers and we put our new pjs on and then do whatever we want till dinner time, might play a game or read or jigsaw or playstations then it's dinner and after dinner, doing whatever we want again

The rest of the week is pretty much like that and we go out new years eve.

Tell a lie, I stopped going to people after DS first Christmas because everyone wanted us to visit them on Christmas Day and go from house to house so I said from now on, if anyone wants to see him Christmas Day they can visit us but otherwise we will be round the week before

Yes I think that’s the main thing for children. Make it yours and have your own traditions. The lead up is as much part of it as the day itself.

I´m from the South of my country and my husband from the North. We have nuclear family xmases and it is lovely. We used to travel North and South, while everyone else had local xmases until I put my foot down. Bliss.

Going to one of the illuminated Christmas trails a few days before (book now)

Gingerbread house making

Matching PJs for Christmas Eve/morning (my DD loves this)

Creating a traditional movie you all watch like Nativity which is cringy British humour but lovely

So many things you can do to make it lovely.

I know the above is a bit spendy but there are definitely cheaper versions

ds(20) is an only child. The best Christmases were the ones we had at home. Just relaxed with no rushing about or pressure at home with their new toys.

Put the roast on and take the dog for a walk together (weather permitting)

We always included a new board/card game to play and pulled out some of the old ones too. Sit around a table after dinner with some special snack bowls and drinks and just enjoy.

Or a new Christmas day movie each year, but that is more a Christmas eve thing for us.

I don’t think kids really give a fuck about wider family at Christmas, particularly when it isn’t something they’re used to anyway! They care about playing with their new toys and games and that’s about it!

DH and I both come from large families and whilst we all get on, we were at different life stages and locations most of the time. The only times we have had family for Christmas is a couple of years when when had one of our mums over to stay.

Honestly it's fine just your own unit. We tried going out for dinner to see if that would feel more Christmassy and we've found just us is better. Granted we had 2 DC and not 1 but I think at times both would have preferred to be an only child especially for Christmas 😁

We would have stockings (left on their door handles) opened in our bed usually while one of us got ready and we swapped. Include a few small puzzles/games in the stocking and a wrapped brioche/carton of uht milk/juice that they can eat while this happens.

Then one of us would go down "to check if Santa has definitely finished and left" aka, switching on the lights and getting the camera ready etc and then would shout up when everything was ready. DC and other parent would descend and we'd open presents and then get a late breakfast.

Presents would include things to do like lego etc and also a new board game, a movie and something for outdoors (a skooter/remote car/ball etc). Play with stuff until lunch prep to eat about 3 and then get out for a walk/play with whatever outdoor thing (weather depending). Come back, more play while lunch finalised and then a board game after. Early evening would be snack buffet with a movie and off to bed usually with a new book. Adapted as they got older to include a walk to the pub :)

Dc are early 20s now and this is the first year since H and I split and he's moved out. We were split but still living together last year so tried to keep it as normal as we could. No idea how things will work this year.

Do the in laws ever host you OP instead of coming down to yours could you go to them?